(At our movie theater, “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” is playing. A 70- or 80-year-old woman approaches.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a ticket to that new movie.”

Me: “No problem. What movie are you looking for, ma’am?”

Customer: “That new one. You know, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Nasty.”

(I’m a cashier ringing up a customer.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay today?”

Customer: “Yep, it was fine.”

Me: *smiling* “That’s good.”

Customer: “You have a nice smile.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Customer: “You must be very happy.”

Me: “Usually.”

Customer: “I have a friend who is a stripper. You’re much happier than her.”

Me: *speechless* “Uh, thanks? You’re total is [total]. Have a nice day.”

(My manager & I are working one night. A very well dressed woman in her 50s walks in.)

Me: “Hi, how are you doing tonight?”

Customer: “I’m doing fine.”

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Customer: “I’m looking for something for my husband. He needs something for…”

(She motions her right hand to make it into the shape of a ‘C’.)

Me: “He needs vitamin C?”

Customer: “No…something for…”

(She emphasizes the ‘C’ shape of her right hand.)

Me: “He needs some calcium??”

Customer: “No…you know what I mean?”

(She’s still making the ‘C’ with her right hand, but is now widening the shape.)

Me: “I don’t think I know what it is.”

(I ask for my manager who has been watching us. He immediately gets what she’s asking for.)

Manager: *points towards the male enhancements* “Ma’am, we have a wide variety of libido enhancers, but there isn’t anything to make him ‘wider’ or ‘girthier’.”

Customer: “Aww. Well, his libido’s fine. He just needs a little more to work with. Thank you for the help anyway!” *leaves*

(A kid walks into the store and brings “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” up to the counter. He’s no more than 11.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you rent that game. It’s for over 18 only.”

Kid: “My mom lets me play this all the time!”

Me: “Well, you’ll have to get her to rent it for you then.”

(The kid stomps off and returns with his mother. She brings the game up.)

Customer: “I want to rent this.”

Me: “Well, I should tell you that it is a very violent game.”

Customer: “I don’t mind that.”

Me: “Well, in this game, you can actually pick up a hooker and beat her to death afterwards to get back your money. There’s loads of graphic violence and bad language.”

Customer: *alarmed* “Bad language?” *turns to her son* “Darren, you know you’re not allowed things with bad language!” *grabs him by the arm and storms out with him in tow*

Related:
Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
Grand Theft Innocence

Me: “Welcome to [theater name].”

Customer: “Two tickets to Chippendales.”

Me: *brief moment of silence* “Um…what?”

Customer: “I said I would like two tickets for Alvin and the Chippendales!”

Me: “Do you mean Alvin and the Chipmunks?”

Customer: “Whatever, just give me two tickets to that movie!”