November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Worth Its Weight In Golden

| Exeter, England, UK | Funny Names, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(A rather frazzled looking customer rushes in and comes straight over to the counter.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like 12.5g of golden virginity please…”


Me: “I’m sorry, love, there are some things we just can’t give back.”

Customer: “Oh my goodness, Virginia! I meant golden Virginia!”

One Large Popcorn, Extra Salty

| Aldershot, England, UK | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I am working the concessions counter for the evening. It’s been a hectic shift when two customers in their 20s approach me.)

Me: “How can I help today?”

Male Customer: “Hey, yeah, can we get a large popcorn and a small popcorn? And uh, can you do us a favour? This is going to sound really weird…”

Me: “Go for it!”

Male Customer: “Well, uh. My friend and I have been playing jokes on each other for a while, and I was wondering if you could help out?”

Me: “Uh… yeah, sure.”

Male Customer: “Great! Could you uh, put this in the small popcorn and cover it with the popcorn so my friend cant see it?”

(The female customer pulls out a rather large adult toy from her handbag and hands it to me as discreetly as possible – at this point I couldn’t help but laugh or deal with the customer by myself.)

Me: “Hey, uh, [Coworker], do you think this will fit in a small popcorn bag?”

(My coworker walks over looking mortified.)

Coworker: “If you want to successfully hide that, I would really suggest a large popcorn.”

Male Customer: “Okay! Change the small to a large please!”

(I took the object behind the counter so no one could see and filled up the bag as requested and processed their order.)

Woman Customer: “I’m really sorry. They’ve been doing this for a while now.”

Me: *still laughing at this point* “No, no, it’s okay. This is probably the best thing to happen whilst working here. I hope it turns out all right!”

(After they left my coworker and I had to take a moment to stop laughing and then we had to tell other coworkers and supervisors about it. To this day, I still don’t know if it was against policy or if a manager saw, but those two customers made that shift so much better!)

Their Own Private Joke

| Spain | Hotels & Lodging, Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Tourists/Travel

(This happens on a class trip to Spain after a girl realizes she left her comb at home.)

Girl: *walks up to front desk* “Do you have any combs?”

Employee: “No hablo Ingles.”

Girl: *in Spanish* “Necesito un pene, por favor.”

Employee: *laughs hysterically*

Girl: *angry* “Hey! Necesito un pene!” *pantomimes brushing hair*

Employee: *realizes what’s going on, takes out comb, and hands it to girl*

Girl: “Sí!”

Employee: “Ese es ‘un peine.'” *That’s ‘un peine.’* “Un pene es:” *points to his privates*

Girl: “Oh. S***!”

Trying Your Patients

| New Zealand | Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

Charge Nurse: “Hello.”

Caller: “Is Mr [Name] one of your patients?”

Charge Nurse: “Yes. Why?”

Caller: “He’s in the gynaecology ward. Please retrieve him.”

Charge Nurse: “How did he get there? He needs one assist just to walk around his bed!”

Caller: “Well, either the dementia made him forget he couldn’t walk or he’s just been alone for too long in life.”

Charge Nurse: “Pardon me? I’m sure he’s just in his bed in his room”

Caller: “Look, just come and get him. He took the elevator up four floors, found the gynae ward, walked into a room with a cervical smear in progress, and asked if he could be of assistance.”

Charge Nurse: “…”

Lack-Of-Clothes Make The Lack-Of-A Man

| UK | At The Checkout, Money, Rude & Risque

(An older customer comes to my checkout. He has been staring at me a lot while he has been waiting for service. I am 17 at the time.)

Customer: “Are you from [area in my town]?”

Me: “Oh, no. I don’t live there.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I’ve seen you around there, at [address that is not mine].”

Me: “Oh, no. You must be mistaken.”

(The transaction continues, extremely awkward as he keeps insisting he ‘knows me from somewhere’ and has ‘seen my house’ and things to that effect. I brush him off as one of the harmless, odd customers that one sees in a day.)

Me: “Right, so that comes to £52.56.”

Customer: “Oh I only have £50 on me.”

Me: “Well, if you have no other means of paying, we’ll have to take something off.”

Customer: “Like your clothes?”

Me: “…no.”

Customer: “Like my clothes?”

(I am speechless and upset, and about to go into a rant and call a security guard over, when the next customer intervenes.)

Next Customer: “You are soooo creepy, mate.”

(The customer scuttles off after paying me the full amount, obviously embarrassed about being caught harassing a teenage girl!)