Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Pajama Drama, Part 2

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I work in the lingerie section of a very well-known department store when a male customer walks in.)

Me: “Hi there. What were you looking for today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for some sexy bras and underwear for my girlfriend.”

Me: “Okay, did you know her bra size?”

Customer: “Um… no.”

Me: “Well… sexy pajamas it is, then!”

Related:
Pajama Drama

Trying To Get Caught With Your Pants Down

| ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

(A customer in his 60s approaches me.)

Customer: “Can I ask a strange question?”

Me: “Go ahead. I’d be happy to help.”

(He begins to adjust his pants.)

Customer: “Can you check the tag for my size?”

Me: “Let me stop you there, sir. The washroom is a short distance away and you can check the size yourself. When you get back I can help you find a pair of pants that fit you.”

Customer: “Coward! What is your name?!”

(I turned and walked away. I found out later that he complained to my manager that one of the employees refused to look down his pants.)

Give Them An Inch And They’ll Take A Vile

| Duluth, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

(I take a phone call for someone in the bedding department:)

Customer: “I’m looking for a white duvet, but I need it to cover a bedspread that is 96 x 114. I can’t seem to find anything that will fit.”

Me: “The closest thing I have is only 104″, but I think you could fit an extra 10″ in just fine.”

Customer: “Oh, believe me, honey. I’ve stuffed 10″ in before!”

Me: *stunned silence*

Customer: *laughing* “What did you say your name was? I am definitely going to find you when I come in to the store!”

Me: “Um, I think I can have it waiting at the checkout for you.”

Number-Crusher

| Cornelius, OR, USA | At The Checkout, One-Liners, Rude & Risque

(I am 19 and working at the register in the slowest and emptiest part of the store, so I tend to get a lot of creepy people with no one in sight to help me. A customer in his 50s comes up and I ring him up. As I finish the transaction…)

Customer: “So, do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: *laughs, thinking he’s going to be sweet* “No.”

Customer: “Wanna go out some time?”

Me: “Oh, thank you but no.”

Customer: *gets annoyed* “Why not?”

Me: “Um… you’re just a little bit too old for me.”

Customer: “You know, age is just a number in your mind…”

Me: “Yeah, but yours is a REALLY big number…”

Don’t (Mi)Stress Over It

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Bizarre, Religion, Rude & Risque

(Most of the clients are 18-year-old girls getting their navels done or university students wanting unusual cartilage piercings. It is a really friendly place with a good reputation. I get a call:)

Caller: “Hello? I was wondering if your studio has specific facilities?”

Me: “I’d be happy to help, sir. What kind of facilities—”

Caller: *cuts me off* “DON’T CALL ME SIR.” *in deadly serious whisper* “Call me mistress.”

Me: “Ah… yes, mistress?”

Caller: “That’s better. Is the studio sound-proof?”

Me: “No, mistress. I can’t say that it is.”

Caller: “I see. Does it have restraints?”

(The man in question goes on to ask an increasingly creepy list of demands. It turns out he’s a professional dominatrix and apparently people pay money to live with him and be his ‘slaves.’ Needless to say we weren’t what he was looking for, so I suggested he contact a few establishments located in the ‘sex industry’ areas of the city, who might be able to help.)

Me: “… anyway, mistress, to sum up for you, we just don’t do that sort of thing here. I hope [Other Business Names] will be able to assist you.”

Caller: *absolutely delighted* “Oh, you have been so helpful! Please, call me by my Christian name: Mistress Alexi!”

Boss: *after telling her all about it* “I’m pretty open-minded, but no way in h*** is there anything Christian about that!”

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