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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Only Your Pen Required

    | IL, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in an office where I assist clients with their paperwork. I am helping a male customer complete some forms.)

    Me: “All right. Now, we just need you to sign this form at the bottom here, and we’re done.”

    Customer: “What was that?”

    Me: *trying to be friendly* “Just sign here, please. We need your John Hancock.”

    Customer: “John Hancock?”

    Me: “Uh, yes. You know, your signature? Like the guy who signed the Constitution.”

    Customer: “Oh! You want me to sign it. Okay! You know, the first time someone asked me for my John Hancock, I thought they were talking about my…” *he gestures to his groin*

    Me: *quickly* “Oh… oh! No, no, sir! We just need your signature and that’s all!”

    Customer: *laughing* “Yeah, I was pretty confused!”

    Me: *quickly wrapping up his paperwork and not wanting to hear how that story ended* “Yes, sir. Well, you’re all done here. Have a great day!”

    Gives New Meaning To Bag Of Tricks

    | Hervey Bay, QLD, Australia | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I am near the end of a very long shift. A customer comes up so I put my closed sign up. He seems a bit unusual and smells like alcohol but I treated him like any other customer.)

    Me: “Hi. How are you today, sir?”

    Customer: “Good, thanks.”

    (My coworker comes over and tells me to make sure I check his bags at the end of the transaction. I get to the end of the transaction.)

    Me: “All right, sir. Here is your change and I just have to check your bags.”

    Customer: “Oh, sure, yeah.” *opens bag*

    Me: “Yep, that’s okay. Have a great day, sir.”

    Customer: “Yeah. Next time I will put some naughty stuff in there for you like condoms and vibrators.”

    Me: “… Okay, sir. Have a good day.”

    (He left and I told my supervisor. One of my coworkers heard me and told me he has said something like that to her before. She said he bought paw-paw ointment. She asked if he wanted a bag and he said no, that he was going to use it later while he was thinking of her. He is now banned from the store.)

    They Just Can’t Cut the Mustard

    | FL, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working the copy desk when a customer walks in.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to print some photos on my flash drive.”

    (She hands it to me.)

    Me: “Alrighty. I’ll just hook it up and we can go from there.”

    (I connect the flash drive to my computer and open the folder for it, to find that there is only one photo on it: a photo of the customer naked and rubbing ketchup and mustard on her large belly.)

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Yes, that one. I want it blown up to poster size, and I want 100 copies of that.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it’s against our company policy to print, er, photos of an explicit nature, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Really? Oh, darn. Well, do you at least like the picture?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Then it was worth it to come here after all!”

    They Have Incompatible Operating Systems

    | England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I own a small computer store that specializes in repairs and does a large number of home and work visits to repair machines on site. I am a gay man. My partner is an employee, and we often go on call-outs together. This particular call-out is to a young woman’s home. She seems quite pleasant.)

    Me: “This seems straight forward enough, but it will take some time to complete. [Partner] will head back to the shop to get some parts whilst I work on that, if that’s all right?”

    Customer: “That’s fine, thanks.”

    (I continue working on the machine whilst my partner heads back. Whilst he’s gone the customer heads out of the room for a moment and comes back without her sweater on, and only the shirt beneath it. I don’t think anything of it.)

    Customer: “Can I get you a cup of tea or some biscuits?”

    Me: “That’d be great. Two sugars, thanks very much.”

    (She leaves for a couple of minutes and comes back with some tea and biscuits, now wearing only a tank top instead of the shirt. I’m getting a little suspicious.)

    Customer: “There you go. You don’t mind me watching you work, right?”

    Me: “Of course not. I prefer to have the owners with me. It avoids me getting accused of anything.”

    Customer: “Ah, you don’t have to worry about that, hun.”

    (She sits a little close for comfort whilst I work. I don’t say anything, but I can guess what’s going on here. A few more minutes pass before the phone rings and she leaves the room to answer it. Shortly, she returns wearing only a bra on her top half. I’m speechless.)

    Customer: “That was my husband. He said he won’t be home for some time, I’m afraid.”

    (Seconds later my partner walks in through the front door and straight into the room I’m working in and is also stood there speechless.)

    Me: “Uhh… Hey, love, did you get the parts?”

    (Even though he’s holding them, I want her to see I’m gay. He nods.)

    Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re gay?”

    (Silence for a moment.)

    Customer: “Even better.”

    Me: “I’m afraid we have to go now.”

    (I and my partner practically run out the door, leaving the computer case open but functional.)

    Asking Ballsy Questions

    | Roseville, CA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    Female Customer: “I’d like to return these men’s underwear.”

    Return Counter Clerk: “That’s fine. Was there something wrong with them?”

    Female Customer: *with a totally straight face* “My husband says his balls keep falling out of them.”

    (No further questions!)

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