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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Sadly This Is Regular Behavior

    | Liverpool, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (At my small café, I am the only waitress who will work Sundays. Now I know why. One guy, who is apparently a regular as he knows the boss, comes in. He seems cheerful enough and I give him my usual smile and politeness as I process his order, which is simply a tea to go. As I am making the drink, he comes up behind me and mutters.)

    Customer: “I’d love to f***you.”

    (I honestly have no idea what to say, so I give him his drink and move to the back of the kitchen to start washing the plates and cutlery. He finally leaves.)

    Me: *to Boss* “That customer just said he’d love to f*** me!”

    Boss: “What?! Just wait until he comes back again!”

    (The following week she processed his order herself.)

    Customer: “So, where is [My Name] today?”

    Boss: “I don’t feel it is right to submit her to such inappropriate behavior from a customer who is at least three times her age.”

    (His embarrassment at the other customers staring was worth it.)

    Stripped Of His Confidence

    | USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (This conversation occurred between me and a customer buying shoes for a wedding. I’m a tall girl and rather busty.)

    Me: *after ringing up shoes and going through usual questions* “Okay, that will be [total].”

    Customer: “Just a second.” *pulls out wallet, digs in pockets, and locates two extra bills in another pocket* “Hey, I found extra money. That’s great!”

    Me: “Oh, yeah, I always love finding extra money at the bottom of my purse.”

    Customer: “Oh, from your job as a stripper?”

    (At this he freezes and his whole face is overcome with a look of absolute horror at what he’s just said. His tone isn’t insulting and in fact I got the distinct impression he must have a lot of female friends he casually jokes with without thinking. I’m standing there struggling between laughter and insult and settle on laughter as I’ve had a good day and he just looks like he feels really bad.)

    Customer: “Oh, my god, I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to imply—”

    Me: “It’s fine. It’s flattering to think I look good enough to be a stripper.” *poses*

    (The customer laughed though clearly still felt bad, He paid and left with his shoes. Another coworker walked over, having heard the exchange, and we stared at each other a moment before we burst out laughing.)

    A Significant Flight Risk

    | Honolulu, HI, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

    (I work in a very touristy part of town and we have a lot of flight attendants who stop through the store. I see a guy and help him at the computer. This guy is close to 60.)

    Me: “So you just click here and it should be good.”

    Customer: “Oh, thank you. Say, where are you from?”

    Me: “The Philippines.”

    Customer: “Oh, my friend met his wife there. He basically waited outside of the college she was attending everyday and finally convinced him to go out with her. She eventually said yes. I’ve been there a few times since I’m a flight attendant. Beautiful women you know.”

    Me: “That’s nice. I’m gonna go help out some other people. Ask me if you have other questions.”

    (I loop around a couple more times around the store answering questions. He flags me down.)

    Customer: “Marry me and you’ll fly for free.”

    Me: “Ha ha. That’s the same line my friend’s dad used 30 years ago on his wife.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s a good line.”

    Me: “I think I’ll pass, but thank you anyway.”

    (I loop around the store again, and start demonstrating a product features. I see him lingering in the back waiting for me to finish.)

    Customer: “Thank you for helping me out tonight. You’re really sweet. Here’s my card.”

    Me: “Uh. Thanks.”

    (The card said, “You’re really charming and here’s my number. Let’s meet for drinks after work.” I never called, but he came back a few weeks later asking for help with his phone from my coworker. His phone background was a picture of some woman’s breasts. Gross.)

    A Messy Apology

    | Hattiesburg, MS, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work the afternoon shift at a mid-market hotel, so I make a lot of welcome calls to guests that have checked in just to make sure that they like the room.)

    Me: “Hey, this is [My Name] at the front desk. How are you?”

    Guest: “I’m good!”

    Me: “Wonderful. How do you like the room so far?”

    Guest: “Oh, the room’s great, except for the semen we found on the floor… Oh, wait, that’s mine!”

    Me: *stammering for the right words* “Um, ok, well, if you have any questions or if you need anything just let me know.”

    (The guest called back around five minutes later with an apology and an explanation. Apparently, he thought I was a friend of his by the same name that was due to check in to the hotel later that afternoon. Suffice it to say he was incredibly embarrassed.)

    Love Of Turquoise Makes Everyone Else Red

    | Australia | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in a fairly busy dive shop that sells a large range of snorkeling equipment as well. A couple comes in. She is about 6’0” tall, in a short and incredibly tight turquoise dress that doesn’t flatter her figure at all, wearing a turquoise necklace and very heavy turquoise make up. He is about 5’5″, bald, and very shy.)

    Woman: “Hi. I am looking for a snorkel set, but it HAS to be turquoise. It is my FAVOURITE colour!”

    Me: “Of course, not a problem. If you just turn around you’ll see our snorkel sets on the wall.”

    (I proceed to talk them through the different options, but she is very focused on the only turquoise one, which barely fits her.)

    Woman: “Ooooh, [Man], do you think I look pretty in this?! Of course you do. Should I kiss you now or in the car?”

    (At that, she throws herself at him, making them both fight for balance. His face gets deep red and he mumbles something incomprehensible, all the while she is basically licking his face. I decide to go back to the counter and give them some privacy.)

    Woman: *coming up to the counter* “Hooo-hooo! We are taking this set! It is so beautiful and my sexy stud here is buying it for me. Isn’t he CUTE!?”

    (I start ringing it up.)

    Woman: “Oh, is that a Scorpio necklace? Are you a Scorpio?”

    Me: “No, my boyfriend is. It is his necklace, but I like wearing it.”

    Woman: *pointing at the man* “Ooh, he is a Scorpio, too!” *leaning towards me* “Does your boyfriend have the same… STING in his, ahem, TAIL, as he does?” *giggles*

    (I am speechless, and the man looks like he wants to die.)

    Woman: *nudging the man* “Don’t deny it. You are such a wild one between the sheets!”

    (The man pays, grabs the set, sort of nods at me without making eye contact, and leaves.)

    Woman: “Don’t worry. I am gonna be grateful tonight!”

    (They leave.)

    Coworker: *staring at me wide eyed* “What the…?”

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