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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    This Caller Has No Hang Ups

    | USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in retention for a major credit card company. One of the strictest rules in our department is that, while you can suggest strongly that a customer hang up or call back, you cannot drop the call.)

    Customer: “I was wondering if we could talk about my interest rate. I was noticing on my last- OH, GOD!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “OH! OH, GOD!”

    Me: “Ma’am, are you all right?”

    Customer: “I’m fine. My husband just fondled my breast.”

    (I turn bright red and her breathing becomes heavy.)

    Customer: “OH, GOD, YES!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if this is a bad time…”

    Customer: “NO! I was saying, on my last statement, I noticed that my APR… OH, OH, OH, GOD, YES!”

    (From the grunting and moaning on the other end of the line, I deduce that this is not just… um… a fondle. All this time, the woman keeps telling me that she wants to know if we can lower her APR. I finally had to mute the phone, turn down the mind-blowing orgasm that my customer was having and then answer her questions when she could focus again. Most awkward moment ever.)

    Looking For Excitement In The Workplace

    , | Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (A young man comes into the store and approaches the counter. He is probably about 17 or 18, dressed all in black, with hair down to his waist and fingernails that are about two inches long.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’d like to apply for a job.”

    Me: “Okay, just fill out this application.”

    (He takes the application, fills it out, and leaves. I immediately look through it. Under ‘tell us about yourself’ he wrote: ‘I am a gothic semi-pantophile. The smallest things excite me.’ We has to look up pantophile. It means someone who is sexually aroused by anything. We didn’t hire him.)

    Gotta Hand It To Him

    | Campbellton, NB, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (There is a really creepy guy who comes into our store almost every day. He usually just chats with the female staff, telling us all how sexy we are and inviting us over for coffee, and is generally harmless. One day near Halloween I am on a ladder stocking a shelf when I feel someone rubbing my backside. I jump, nearly falling off my ladder, and turned around in time to see the creepy customer, smiling strangely at me.)

    Me: “Excuse me. Did you just touch my bottom?”

    Customer: “Who, me? No. No, not me.”

    Me: “I’m sure someone just touched me, and you were right there. Did you see who it might have been?”

    (The customer then holds up a rubber decorative hand from the Halloween department and looks me dead in the eye.)

    Customer: “It was him… I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! IT WAS THE HAND! Unless you liked it…” *winks at me* “…then it was me.”

    (He walks out holding the fake hand above his head, the whole time shouting to nobody in particular.)

    Customer: “It was the hand! Not me, but the hand! Come over for coffee and see what my hand can do!

    (We didn’t even bother to stop him from walking out without paying for it. The $2 just wasn’t worth it.)

    Not Being Very Adult About It

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at an adult themed store. We close at 10 pm and I have just locked the doors. I have two friends waiting for me in the parking lot, and we start having a conversation. Before we know it, we have been standing around talking for two hours, when a guy in a truck pulls up and gets out of his car.)

    Customer: *pulling on door* “Aw, are you guys closed?”

    Me: “Yeah, we closed two hours ago.”

    Customer: “Well, can you open real quick? I need to buy something.”

    Me: “No, we closed two hours ago. If it was really important you would have come in earlier.”

    Customer: “But it IS important! You should open and let me buy something!”

    Me: “Dude, this is a PORN store. It’s not life threatening, so, no I will not be opening. Buy your sexy-time things elsewhere.”

    Customer: *slinks off embarrassed*

    Underwear Scare

    | Duluth, MN, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “Excuse me? I need to get some underwear. I know what I want, but I can’t find it.”

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Can you describe the brand to me?”

    Customer: “Well, actually, I’m wearing it right now. Could you just look at it and tell me if you have it?”

    (At this point, in the middle of the sales floor, she literally UNZIPS her pants, pushes them down a little, and pulls out the tag.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am really not comfortable doing this. If you could go into a fitting room and write down the information on the tag, I would be happy to help you.”

    Customer: “No, just read the tag! It’s right here!”

    (I’m backing away, and she actually manages to CORNER me.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I would have to touch your underwear in order to do that. I’m really not comfortable with that while it’s ON YOUR BODY.”

    Customer: “I don’t see what the big deal is! REACH IN THERE AND READ THE TAG!”

    Me: *squinting and pretending to read, lying through my teeth* “You know what? I think we discontinued that brand a while back. We don’t have this anymore.”

    Customer: “Oh really? That’s a shame. I always liked this underwear.”

    Me: “Yeah, ma’am. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Well… have you met Jesus yet?”

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