November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

The World’s Oldest Craft

| CA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(My mum and I are in a craft store buying supplies for a skirt I am making. We cannot find the hooks and eyes. We ask a worker at the store for help.)

Worker: “How may I help you?”

Mum: “We need to find hookers.”

(She just stares at us.)

Mum: *laughs uncontrollably* “I mean hooks and eyes!”

How To Drive In The Tips

| Kirkland, WA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Rude & Risque

(It is Halloween and I am working the overnight shift at my store. As the manager, I am required to do drive-thru since we are unusually busy as well as short staffed on Halloween night. I have just finished trick-or-treating with my godson and am still in my costume, which I am allowed to wear in place of my usual uniform. It is just after two am, and all the bars are closed, when I have a taxi pull to my window with three drunk men in the back. The cabbie is clearly frustrated and although I have no issues while taking their order, I grow concerned.)

Me: “You’re total is [total].”

(The men in the back start searching their pockets for money and after a minute passes, I start to get frustrated myself. We are slammed and I still have to help my coworker make the food, since it’s only the two of us. The man in the far right seat, furthest from me, finds his wallet and sticks out a bill. I lean out the window, almost climbing into the cab, and take the cash, all while the men are staring down my shirt in a none-too-discreet manner. As I’m cashing out the order, I count out the eighty some dollars in change while listening to them talk about what they’d love to do to me.)

Me: “Here’s your receipt and change. Would you like any ketchup?”

Drunk #1: “No, but I’ll take your number and you can keep the change.”

(I look down at the money and back at him.)

Drunk #2: “Only if you share her.”

(At this point, I’m clearly disgusted with them and I glance at the cabbie, who’s in the worse position of driving them home. Feeling bad, I grab a pen and write the store number on the back of the receipt with a fake name attached.)

Drunk #1: “Thanks, cutie. I’ll call you later.”

(I grab their food and bag an extra medium fry for the cabbie. I grab the money from my pocket and split it in half, shoving one half into the medium fry bag. I hand out their order and make sure the cabbie gets his food. He smiles and thanks me. Thinking nothing more of it, I go back to work. A few hours later, the cabbie comes back through.)

Me: “Hi, your total—” *seeing the cabbie* “Oh, hi! I hope you enjoyed the tip! I didn’t think they were likely to give you anything. They were real jerks.”

Cabbie: “I appreciated the gesture. I really just wanted to come back to give you this.”

(He hands me $150.)

Me: “Are you serious? You really don’t have to do that!”

Cabbie: “And they didn’t have to say the things they said. I just wanted to make sure you received a tip from someone who honestly appreciated your service. Thank you, and have a good rest of your day.”

An Artificially Inseminated Refund

| Northwood, OH, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I am walking near the customer service area when I overhear a woman trying to return an item. We have a pretty liberal return policy; as long as you have the receipt and the actual item, you get your money back.  Only managers can approve returns, so customer service has called the assistant manager.)

Assistant Manager: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: I want to return this turkey baster here. I’ve got the receipt and everything.”

Assistant Manager: “Certainly, ma’am. I need to fill out this form and you’ll be on your way. What can I put down as the reason for return?”

Customer: “Well, no matter which way I sit, it HURTS!”

Assistant Manager: “…”

(The assistant manager turned bright red, got the customer’s money, and ran back to the break room in sheer embarrassment while the rest of us burst out in hysterical laughter.)

An Oscar Major Weiner

| QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(An older man comes in as I open the store. He seems innocent enough and is roughly 80 years old. When he comes up to the checkout we make idle chat, until I’ve scanned all of his groceries.)

Me: “That’ll be $42.99 today.”

Customer: “I won an Oscar. Do you want to see it?”

Me: “Sure!”

(He quickly runs out of the store, leaving his groceries there before shortly returning. He is holding a fake Oscar, but looks very proud so I humor him.)

Customer: “Look!”

Me: “It’s very nice. What did you win it for?”

Customer: “Read the inscription!”

(The inscription says “Longest Standing Member.” By now, I was confused out of my mind, until the old man snickered and moved his hand, revealing the statue had large private parts standing out.)

Me: *speechless, but quietly laughing*

Customer: “My wife got this for our anniversary!”

How To Get Non-Existent Panties In A Twist

, | FL, USA | Rude & Risque

(I’m a FTM transgender, but have not begun transition, so although I’m frequently called “sir” in person based on my looks, my voice is a dead giveaway – especially at a call center job.)

Me: “Hello, I’m calling on behalf of [Company] regarding the power bill. May I speak with [Name]?”

Man: “Are you wearing any paaaaantieees?”

Me: “…Excuse me, sir?”

Man: “I like women who don’t wear paaaaaantieeees!”

Me: “Sir, I’m a man, and I’m calling to save you money on your power bill.”

Man: “No, you’re not! You’re a WOMAN and I like women who don’t wear PAAAAANTIEEEEES!”

Me: “So you’ve said, sir, but I’m a transgender man. Would you like to save money on your power bill or not?”

(At this apparently horrific revelation, the customer hangs up on ME, and I pause the dialer to do a victory dance at my desk.)

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