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  • September Theme Of The Month: Overheard!

    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Caller Bit Off More Than He Could Chew

    | Australia | Awesome Workers, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a medical research institute, and the colleague sitting next to me handles recruitment for a large trial, so her name and phone number is on all the promotional material we hand out. She has a beautiful phone manner and I’ve never heard her say a harsh word to anyone. The phone rings.)

    Colleague: “[Discipline] Research Centre, this is [Colleague]. How may I help you?”

    (Pause.)

    Colleague: *sweetly* “Well, sir, if you shoved you big throbbing c*** in my mouth, I’d bite it off. Will that be all?”

    I’m Just Not That Kind Of Program!

    | ON, Canada | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (A customer has come in and noticed that we are now using Windows 10. He asks about Cortana, the voice activated assistant, so I give him a brief demo.)

    Me: “So you can just say ‘Hey, Cortana,’ and then tell her what you want her to do. Give it a try!”

    Customer: “Hey, ‘Cantina!’ Drop Your Dress!”

    Me: “Maybe you should try it when you get home…”

    Suited To Handle This Case

    | Boston, MA, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    (A well-known guest comes down to the front desk.)

    Me: “Hi, [Guest], how are you doing?”

    Guest: “Not good at all.”

    Me: “What’s wrong?”

    Guest: “I need to be moved to a new room.”

    (The hotel is at 100% occupancy so there is no way I can move her.)

    Me: “Why would you need to be moved? Is there something wrong with the room?”

    Guest: “Very wrong! There is a loud vibrating throughout the whole room and I won’t be able to sleep tonight unless I move because it is so bothersome!”

    Me: “How about I come take a look in your room to see what the problem is?”

    (We go up to her room, and she wasn’t wrong. The whole room was making a loud vibrating sound and was pretty disruptive.)

    Guest: “See how bad it is? Move me now, please!”

    (I walk around the room and notice the sound is loudest over in the corner by her suitcase.)

    Me: “It seems to be coming from the corner of the room. Maybe something is going on in the room next door?”

    Guest: “I have no idea but it’s really annoying me!”

    (I notice the vibration is coming from her suitcase and I start to get nervous thinking I am about to discover something I am not suppose to see.)

    Me: “Miss, it seems to be coming from your suitcase. Is there anything in there that would be making this sound.”

    Guest: *looking nervous* “Oh, um, I didn’t even think of it coming from my suitcase. Let me go look.”

    (She went over to the suitcase, looking embarrassed, and I started to feel awkward. I felt like I should have left before I saw what she pulled out but she told me to stay. My suspicion ended up being right; she pulled a vibrator out of her suitcase and apologized for the hassle. Then she continued to talk to me about unrelated events while casually holding the vibrator.)

    The Mother Of All Worries

    | Norway | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

    (I am assisting a 92-year-old male patient.)

    Me: “Come on, young fella, you can do this!”

    Patient: “Hah, young? I could have been your father!” *adding mischievously* “Your mother wouldn’t want that, though.”

    Feeling Bad For Jimmy

    | Waukesha, WI, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    (It is 1995. I am 18 and working as a third shift stocker at a major grocery store chain. I am approached by an 18-20 year old white male.)

    Customer: “Hey, man, you got any Jimmy Hats?”

    Me: “…and they are?”

    Customer: “You know man! Jimmy Hats! I need to get my Jimmy Hats. They are for my girl.”

    Me: “Are they a type of candy? If so, aisle four, far end on your left.”

    (The customer leaves off in that direction and I continue stocking. The customer comes back.)

    Customer: “Hey, I couldn’t find them. I need to get the Jimmy Hats my girl wants.”

    Me: “Okay, I will come look. Do you know what the packaging looks like?”

    Customer: “Yeah, they are Jimmy Hats.”

    (I walk him over to the candy aisle and start looking with him and he also looks through the candy.)

    Customer: “See, man? I don’t see Jimmy Hats here anywhere.”

    Me: “Okay, do you want me to page someone else for assistance?”

    Customer: “No man, I just need the Jimmy Hats.”

    Me: “Do you know what they look like?”

    Customer: “Yeah! They look like Jimmy Hats.”

    (This goes on for a bit like this in a horrible circle.)

    Me: “Okay, I can’t help you. Let me page someone else.”

    Customer: “Okay, hopefully they can help me find the Jimmy Hats.”

    Me: *on intercom* “Customer in need of assistance in [aisle].”

    (One of my coworkers comes over.)

    Customer: “I need a box of Jimmy Hats for my girlfriend and he can’t find them.”

    Coworker: *looks confused* “And they are?”

    Customer: “JIMMY HATS! My girlfriend wants me to get a box of JIMMY HATS!”

    (The customer suddenly looks embarrassed that he yelled that. Starts looking around nervously. A grandmother and her grandkids have now come into the aisle and start going through the candy.)

    Coworker: “We might not carry that type of candy.”

    Customer: “But they are Jimmy Hats. She said she got them here before!”

    Coworker: “We might be out of stock.”

    Customer: “But I need to get Jimmy Hats for my girl.”

    (I go and get a female cashier to try and help him. The customer turns red.)

    Customer: “Um. I just need them… you know…” *gestures downwards*

    Me: *realizes* “Condoms?”

    Customer: *he just blinks and nods*

    Me: “Why didn’t you tell me it wasn’t candy when we were searching this aisle? You even looked at the candy.”

    Customer: “Well, I am hungry…”

    (I take customer to the proper area and he gets his condoms.)

    Cashier: “Okay, one bag of Twizzlers and your Jimmy Hats.”

    Customer: *just turns red, pays, and walks out*

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