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  • July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Feeling Bad For Jimmy

    | Waukesha, WI, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    (It is 1995. I am 18 and working as a third shift stocker at a major grocery store chain. I am approached by an 18-20 year old white male.)

    Customer: “Hey, man, you got any Jimmy Hats?”

    Me: “…and they are?”

    Customer: “You know man! Jimmy Hats! I need to get my Jimmy Hats. They are for my girl.”

    Me: “Are they a type of candy? If so, aisle four, far end on your left.”

    (The customer leaves off in that direction and I continue stocking. The customer comes back.)

    Customer: “Hey, I couldn’t find them. I need to get the Jimmy Hats my girl wants.”

    Me: “Okay, I will come look. Do you know what the packaging looks like?”

    Customer: “Yeah, they are Jimmy Hats.”

    (I walk him over to the candy aisle and start looking with him and he also looks through the candy.)

    Customer: “See, man? I don’t see Jimmy Hats here anywhere.”

    Me: “Okay, do you want me to page someone else for assistance?”

    Customer: “No man, I just need the Jimmy Hats.”

    Me: “Do you know what they look like?”

    Customer: “Yeah! They look like Jimmy Hats.”

    (This goes on for a bit like this in a horrible circle.)

    Me: “Okay, I can’t help you. Let me page someone else.”

    Customer: “Okay, hopefully they can help me find the Jimmy Hats.”

    Me: *on intercom* “Customer in need of assistance in [aisle].”

    (One of my coworkers comes over.)

    Customer: “I need a box of Jimmy Hats for my girlfriend and he can’t find them.”

    Coworker: *looks confused* “And they are?”

    Customer: “JIMMY HATS! My girlfriend wants me to get a box of JIMMY HATS!”

    (The customer suddenly looks embarrassed that he yelled that. Starts looking around nervously. A grandmother and her grandkids have now come into the aisle and start going through the candy.)

    Coworker: “We might not carry that type of candy.”

    Customer: “But they are Jimmy Hats. She said she got them here before!”

    Coworker: “We might be out of stock.”

    Customer: “But I need to get Jimmy Hats for my girl.”

    (I go and get a female cashier to try and help him. The customer turns red.)

    Customer: “Um. I just need them… you know…” *gestures downwards*

    Me: *realizes* “Condoms?”

    Customer: *he just blinks and nods*

    Me: “Why didn’t you tell me it wasn’t candy when we were searching this aisle? You even looked at the candy.”

    Customer: “Well, I am hungry…”

    (I take customer to the proper area and he gets his condoms.)

    Cashier: “Okay, one bag of Twizzlers and your Jimmy Hats.”

    Customer: *just turns red, pays, and walks out*

    Birth Out-Of-Control

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I am the patient in this story. I just received the birth control injection that goes in the arm.)

    Me: “So, how soon does it take for this to take effect?”

    Doctor: “Right now, you’re good to go!”

    Me: “Challenge accepted!”

    Doctor: “…”

    Her Lips Are Sealed And Waterproof

    | WA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I am shopping for shelf brackets at a hardware store and I overhear this conversation between a nervous-looking woman and an apron-clad store assistant.)

    Woman: “Yes, hi, I need to replace the edges of my bathtub. Could you tell me which aisle has those?”

    Assistant: “Well, we have bathroom units and tub liners that cover your bath and give it a new surface. I can show you where those are, if you’d like.”

    Customer: “No, no, no. I don’t want a new bathtub. I just need to… there are some cracks and old spots around the edges that I just need to, um, reseal.”

    Assistant: “Oh, well if you want to touch up cracks or worn places in the finish, I’d really suggest having a professional come look at it. We have the primer and finish here, but it’s not the easiest job for one person.”

    Woman: *visibly flustered and fidgeting with her pocketbook* “No, it’s not the paint that needs to be fixed; it’s the edges near the wall. I need to seal them so I don’t get mold in the walls.”

    Assistant: *I see his brow furrow as I sneak a peek at the odd conversation* “So something to waterproof the inside edges? Do you mean caulk?”

    Woman: *turns an alarmingly bright red and stares at him for a few seconds with wide eyes before whispering* “Yes, that.”

    Assistant: *looking amused, but stays professional* “No problem, ma’am, the waterproofing sealant is this way. In fact, we have some products that prevent mildew, so you don’t have to worry about your walls.”

    (They walk off and I giggle to myself. The poor woman, around fifty years old but still too embarrassed to say ‘caulk’!)

    I Swear By My Password

    , | TX, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I work for an ISP that also provides e-mail. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, I just got a new computer, and I can’t remember the password to log into my e-mail.”

    Me: “I can certainly help you out with that. Give me one moment to bring up your account.”

    (I verify some information with her and bring up her info, including her e-mail password. Because of what it is though, I’m having trouble figuring out how to give it to her.)

    Me: “Okay… So, I have your password up now. So I just want to be clear that what I’m about to tell you is really what I’m seeing on my screen.”

    Customer: “All right.”

    Me: “Okay, well, the password is ‘f*** you.'”

    (I hear some typing in the background.)

    Customer: “Great! That was it! Thank you so much!” *click*

    All Talk And Literally No Trousers

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

    (I am working the cash register while the other cashier is on lunch. I get a heads-up over the head-set.)

    Fitting Room Attendant: “I’ve got a customer coming up. They’re wearing a pair jeans that she is intending to purchase, but she refuses to take them off.”

    Me: “Okay, thanks for the heads up.”

    (This isn’t the first time a customer has wanted to wear the items out if the store but it becomes difficult when there is a security tag on them. The customer walks up and hands me the tag at my register.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you doing?”

    Customer: “HI, I need to purchase these jeans”

    (She hands me the price tag of the jeans she was wearing. I confirm the description of the jeans but notice the security tag on them.)

    Me: “I apologize, ma’am, but I will need you to return to the fitting room. tale the jeans off, and change into your other pants, in order for me to take the security tag off of them.”

    Customer: “Are you f****** kidding me? I just changed into to these to purchase them. This is f****** ridiculous! I don’t understand why you can’t just take it off without me taking the jeans off.”

    (At this point I’m imagining trying to straddle her up under the register, where the security tag remover is, to be able to take it off.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am but I am unable to remove the security tag while the jeans are on you.”

    Customer: “Where is your f****** manager? This is extremely poor customer service.”

    Me: “I am a manager and there is nothing I am able to do to help your situation unless you take off the jeans in the fitting room and bring them back up here. You are able to return to the fitting room and put them back on after the security tag is removed.”

    (The customer settles and returns to the fitting room to remove the jeans but surprisingly does not put her original bottoms on.)

    Fitting Room Attendant: “Oh, my God! Incoming. I repeat, incoming.”

    (Upon seeing the customer angrily return to my register, I was speechless as she was without pants and only in a thong.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I understand your frustration but I just feel obligated to let you know that not wearing pants in a retail store is extremely frowned upon and against policy.”

    Customer: “Honestly, by now I don’t give a f*** about your stupid policies. Here are the jeans, take the f****** alarm off of them, and let me be! Okay?!”

    (I rang up the pants and immediately gave them back to her. After, she put the jeans back on in front of me and stormed out of the store.)

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