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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    The Offer Is Sub-Standard

    , | BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (The sandwich shop I work in is only a block down the main street from a fairly rowdy nightclub. To alleviate problems we close two hours before the club does but we are often there long past closing to finish the cleanup. It is quite common for drunk people to bang on the door when it is well past closing and try to convince us to make them something. This particular night a group of four young men stumble past and one starts hollering through the locked glass door.)

    Drunk Guy: “Hey, can you make me a sub?”

    Me: “Sorry, we’re closed.”

    Drunk Guy: “C’mon! It’ll just take a sec. Hey, you can just pocket the money and no one will ever know!”

    Me: “Yeah, I don’t think so. Even if I wasn’t honest, we have security cameras.”

    Drunk Guy: “Oh, c’mon. It’s just a sub. Please?”

    Me: “Sorry, we’re closed and all the food is put away.”

    (By this point his friends are trying to drag him along but I can see that it’s become a rather inebriated point of pride for him to convince me.)

    Drunk Guy: “Hey, I know. Tell ya what. I’ll sleep with you if you make me a sub!”

    (I make a really obvious show of looking him up and down.)

    Me: “And what’s in it for me?”

    (He just stood there looking dumbfounded as his friends all cracked up laughing, one of them actually falling over because he was laughing so hard. Shortly thereafter they dragged him off, still in shock.)

    Not Acting Like Adults

    | Tacoma, WA, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working at a popular adult store. It is five minutes before closing. Two girls come in, and they appear to have been drinking.)

    Customer #1: “Are you still open?”

    Me: “Well, we close in about five minutes, but I’d be happy to help you find what you’re looking for.”

    Customer #2: “Oh-em-gee. I want my first vibrator!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, we have a lot of good choices.”

    (I try to show her the products. She proceeds to grab them out of my hands and hit her friend with them. Even though I’m not embarrassed by the products, I find this behavior pretty inappropriate. She is clearly not listening to anything I’m saying.)

    Me: “You know what? It’s getting late, and I really think that you’ll want more time to make your decision. This is the hours we are open, and in fact, I will be here opening in the morning. You will have a lot more time to decide then.”

    Customer #1: “Let’s just go. It’s getting late.”

    Customer #2: “No, I want a vibrator!”

    Customer #1: *pulling her out of the store, to me* “I’m really sorry about this. Have a good night.”

    Coworker: “Man, I know we’re not supposed to kick people out of the store and stay open, but thank you for getting them out of here!”

    The Breast Awareness

    | USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

    (During October we have a Halloween costume contest at work. I work at a family-friendly restaurant and my costume is not very revealing. I am in an alcove putting an order into the computer when a customer with an alcoholic beverage in his hand walks up to me and blocks me in the alcove.)

    Customer: *looking at my chest* “I just wanted to check.”

    (Thinking he wanted to look at my name tag in order to vote for my costume, I turned towards him.)

    Customer: *gesturing towards my breasts* “Nice.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “You’re SUPPOSED to say THANK YOU!”

    Customer Service Until You’re Satisfied

    | FL, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (The store I work for sells novelty items including adult toys. We’re currently taking donations for breast cancer, so once I ring in all of the items I ask everyone the same thing.)

    Me: “And would you like to donate $2 to our breast cancer awareness organization? You’ll get your name up on our wall and you can even ring the cowbell if you’d like!”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I’ve done a lot this year. As a matter of fact I just recently agreed to service someone for free for a $50 donation.”

    Me: “… Oh, that’s nice!”

    Customer: “Oh, my god! I’m a hairdresser! I meant hair services, not the other kind. Oh, my god. I’m sorry.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s okay. Trust me. Working here I’ve heard way worse!”

    Has No Bridge Over These Troubled Waters

    | USA | Rude & Risque, Technology, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a retail rep at a well-known cellphone carrier store.)

    Customer: “I bought two phones two weeks ago. My brother’s doesn’t work. He says it has never turned on since he got it in the mail.”

    (I pull up the account to view if the device has been in use. Before I see this info…)

    Customer: “Oh, and how come his phone has a red square on the back but mine is white?”

    (For those who don’t know cell phones have liquid damage indicators that turn white to red when exposed to liquid.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. This device has liquid damage and is not covered by the warranty. You also didn’t add insurance to this line.”

    Customer: “So what does that mean?”

    Me: “You have to continue to pay on the phone and get a new one if your brother needs a phone.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s impossible. He said it never turned on since he got it.”

    Me: “I see on the account the device was used for the first time on [date] and stopped use three days ago. It had been in use for nine days of the twelve days you have had service.”

    Customer: “No, he would’ve told me if he got some liquid on it. That’s not possible.”

    Me: “Well, pink indicates exposure. Red, which this is totally red, means the phone was drenched in liquid. He must have gotten significant amount of liquid on it.”

    Customer: “So, you’re not gonna replace it?”

    Me: “We can’t. You have no insurance and you voided the warranty with damage.”

    Customer: “You’re telling me [Company] won’t back up the products they sell?”

    Me: “We do. So long as you have insurance for accidental damage or if there is no damage for warranty exchanges. You have neither.”

    Customer: “That doesn’t make sense. If I bought a car and there’s something wrong with it, the dealer would take care of it! The dealer would fix it for free!”

    Me: “Not if you rammed the car into a building.”

    Customer: “Well… If… So what? I gotta keep paying on the phone even though he can’t use it?”

    Me: “Yes. You still owe $300 on it.”

    Customer: “That’s outrageous! I’m not buying him a new phone. Cancel his line!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Although you have no contract therefore no early termination fee, your next bill will have a charge of $300 for the phone.”

    Customer: “What?! What happened to paying it off monthly like I was told?”

    Me: “As long as you have an active line you can pay it off monthly. You signed something that said the entire value of the phone is due immediately once service is canceled.”

    Customer: “I will still have my line.”

    Me: “The phone isn’t attached to your line. Yours is.”

    Customer: “Well, don’t you all just HAVE ME BY THE BALLS. Y’ALL GOT ME BY THE BALLS!”

    (He grabs all his stuff and starts to storm out.)

    Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

    Customer: “BY THE BALLS!”

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