(A customer in her sixties comes in to buy a ticket. She’s wearing a sweatshirt that has the Pokémon Magikarp saying, ‘I swear to God, when I evolve, I’m going to kill you all.’)

Me: “Do you like Pokémon?”

Customer: *offended* “Pokémon?! No! Why?”

Me: “Well, that’s a Pokémon on your sweatshirt. It’s an awful one, but it evolves into one that’s totally awesome!”

Customer: “This is a Pokémon? I thought this was a statement about atheism!”

Related:
Gotta Catch Them All Ages

(I work at a religious call center that takes prayer requests for the people who call in. It’s late on Sunday night.)

Caller: “Hi, I want prayer.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. What can I pray for you?”

Caller: “Are you wearing shoes?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am wearing shoes. What can I pray for you?”

Caller: “Can you take your shoes off?”

Me: “No, sir, we have a dress code. I can’t take my shoes off. ”

Caller: “Are you wearing high heels?”

Me: “No, sir. What can I pray for you?”

Caller: “What shoes are you wearing?” *in rapid succession* “Sandals, sling backs, sneakers, flip flops—”

Me: “Sir, I can’t talk about my shoes with you.”

Caller: *click*

(A woman is attempting to return some rusted silverware she brought around five years ago from our store. Since it’s no longer on file and I can’t find any information on it, I call my manager, who happens to be both a former priest, and married.)

Manager: “Okay, ma’am, please understand I can’t return this for its original price as this set is no longer in our system. I can return it for the price of our cheapest on-hand set, though.”

Customer: “No, I want it for the original price. Nothing less. It was about $90.00, I believe.”

Manager: “I am sorry ma’am, but I can’t do that on an item that’s over five years old.”

Customer: “Oh, I think you can.” *she leans over the register and purses her lips* “I’d make it worth your while.”

Manager: “Excuse me?”

Customer: *smiles seductively* “I’m sure I could find some means of compensating you for such a nice favor.”

(My manager stares at the woman for several seconds, then pulls out his wallet.)

Manager: “Ma’am, I’d like you to have a look at this…”

(The manager pulls out his ID that shows he’s been ordained.)

Manager: “Now, I want you to look at this.”

(He pulls out a picture of him with his wife, while holding up the hand his wedding ring is on.)

Manager: “Now, I want you to take your cruddy silverware and leave before I call security.”

Customer: *reels back* “Well, I never! I hope that b**** divorces your a** and takes everything you own, you f***!” *storms out*

(My job is to process insurance claims made for home and contents damages only. I make an out-bound call.)

Me: “Good afternoon, this is [me] from [company] calling. Is [customer] available, please?”

Customer: “Speaking.”

Me: “Oh, good afternoon. I’m just calling in regards to the recent insurance claim made for your ‘outhouse.’ Do you have a few minutes?”

Customer: “Certainly.”

Me: “Okay, fantastic. We have received the report from [builder] regarding the damages to your ‘outhouse.’ In this report they have identified that the ‘outhouse’ in question is in fact a caravan and not an ‘outhouse.’ In light of this I’m calling to advise that it isn’t covered by your home insurance.”

Customer: *clearly doesn’t understand this* “But I use it as an outhouse, it hasn’t moved in the last 34 years. I use it to help those in need for a shelter for an evening or two. I’m doing God’s work here. It’s an outhouse.”

Me: “Ma’am, I understand that, and whilst I respect the use that you put it to, it doesn’t change the fact that it is in fact, a caravan. We won’t be able to provide coverage in this instance.”

Customer: “But I’m doing God’s work! Do you hate God? Are you a heathen?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I do not hate God. I am not religious and whilst I respect that you are, religion has nothing to do with insurance. For your caravan to be covered in future by [company] you will need to purchase caravan insurance for it, but I must advise you that if you purchase this now, all pre-existing damage will not be covered.”

Customer: “HEATHEN!” *click*

(I managed a family-owned bookstore that caters to Mormons. We have people come in weekly to pick fights with us, and by this time I was use to being called about every name in the book.)

Customer: “You have a lot of pictures of Jesus in here. Is this a Christian book store?”

Me: “Yes, we cater to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

Customer: “Church of Christ you say? Cool, okay.” *wanders off*

(About 10 minutes later he comes back, confused.)

Customer: “Why do you have the Book of Mormon in your store?”

Me: “It is one of our Holy books, along with the Bible.”

Customer: “Is this a Mormon store?”

Me: “Yes, the LDS Church is one of the branches of the Mormon religion.”

Customer: “Aren’t you a cult?”

Me: “No, were just another kind of Christian, like Catholics or Protestants but with our own beliefs that set us apart.”

Customer: “No, you are a cult.”

Me: “Cults generally follow one leader, and our leader is Jesus Christ. So, if you want to say following Jesus makes one in a cult then you may be right.”

Customer: “You follow Jesus, you say? Is this the Jesus you follow in the pictures on the wall?” *points to an image of Christ overlooking Jerusalem*

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, you are a cult then. That Jesus looks too perfect.”

Me: *confused* “We do believe that Jesus, as the Son of God, is perfectly perfect.”

Customer: “No, that’s a lie. Jesus can’t be perfect. Only God is perfect.”

Me: “Yes, and we believe that Jesus is God.”

Customer: “Wait, you worship Jesus?”

Me: “Um… yes.”

Customer: “Real Christians don’t worship Jesus. You are a cult!” *storms out*