July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Category: Religion

There’s nothing worse than a stupid customer than a stupid customer with a cause. If these people had a maker he would likely have filed them under ‘rejects’.

The Devil Has You By The Neck(lace)

, | Bakersfield, CA, USA | Religion, Theme Of The Month

(I am working for a pretzel company that had two stores in the mall. I am in the kiosk at the far end of the mall.)

Customer: “May I have a salted pretzel?”

Me: “Sure, that will be [price].”

(Whilst I am preparing her pretzel, she continues to look at the menu board. We chat about the day. She is extremely pleasant.)

Customer: “May I also get a large lemonade?”

Me: “Of course.”

(I start filling the drink, and update her on her new total. Then I lean over the counter to hand her the drink. My pentacle necklace falls out of my shirt. She takes one look at that and begins to scream at me:)

Customer: “You are going to burn in Hell, demon! You devil worshipper!”

(She took her food and drink so fast, she left her change. As sad as this is, this wasn’t the first nor last time this has happened to me throughout working customer service…)

666 Error

| Bluffton, SC, USA | Religion, Technology, Theme Of The Month

Customer: “I’d like to return this laptop computer.”

Me: “Okay, do you have your original receipt?”

(The customer produces the receipt.)

Me: “Ma’am, this computer was purchased six months ago. It is outside of our return policy. Is there something wrong with it, that we might be able to fix at [Repair Center]?”

Customer: “My computer is possessed by the devil and I need to return it. Jesus told me I need to return it.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Customer: *getting frantic* “I was on my computer during that storm last week and after a loud lightning strike Jesus appeared before me and told me that my computer is possessed by the devil and I needed to return it immediately. Please, you need to take this computer from me. It’s possessed!”

(At this point my coworkers at customer service are starting to stare, along with other customers in line.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but your computer is outside return policy. I can’t take it back. I can have [Repair Center] take a look at it and maybe we can figure out what the problem is—”

Customer: “NO! They can’t fix it; it’s possessed! I need to return it and get it out of my house! I don’t want the devil in my house! PLEASE, you must take it!”

(At this point, the manager and loss prevention person had come over to escort this lady out of the store. As she was being led out, she tried to cast some sort of voodoo spell on the staff. A supposedly Christian lady tried to cast a voodoo curse on us because we wouldn’t return her possessed computer. She left it and never came back for it.)

Sabbath Trumps Gambling

| NS, Canada | Crazy Requests, Religion, Theme Of The Month

(I am working at the main cash of a department store, where we are having a ‘scratch and save’ promotion whereby customers are given cards to scratch and a reveal a certain percentage of savings. Note that it is a Sunday.)

Me: “And here’s your scratch and save card, ma’am!”

Customer: “Hmmm, I’m just deciding if I want you to scratch it or if I will.”

(This is pretty common, as many older customers aren’t able to easily scratch the card.)

Customer: “Did you go to church this morning?”

Me: “Nope! I’ve been working since opening.”

Customer: *suddenly a little less happy* “Well then, I better scratch it myself. For all I know, you’ve already put a hex on all the things I bought!”

On A Preaching (Hard) Drive

, | UT, USA | Religion, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(This occurs in northern Utah in a city where the majority religion is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (a.k.a.: “Mormons”), to which I belong, but this is a big enough city that Christian churches were quite common. A couple approaches me about buying a computer.)

Me: “So, what do you need the computer to do for you?”

Customer: “I need to make some presentations.”

Me: “What kind? Business proposals? Slide shows? Videos?”

Customer: “Well, I’m a preacher, and I need something to make presentations and project them onto the wall for my congregation so they can have some visual aids during my sermons.”

Me: “Got it. Let me show you a few things.”

(We discussed specs, capabilities, accessories, security software, productivity software, and we’re just getting to the service contract options when the conversation takes an abrupt turn.)

Customer: “I just need to be sure it’s going to last a while. I have a small congregation right now, and we don’t have a lot of money. You see, I used to go to [Non-Denominational Christian Church] west of [City], but I didn’t like the pastor there, always lording over the people with what he thought was his authority and power. So I did some studying and started my own church.”

Me: “…I see. And you want to make sure the people coming to worship with you understand the important parts of your sermons.”

Customer: “Yes. PowerPoint will help.”

Me: “I’m sure it could. Now—”

Customer: “Do you have a church?”

Me: “Well, I don’t HAVE a church, but I go to one.”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, good. It’s always nice to meet another Christian.”

Customer: “What church do you go to?”

(I state my religion and mention which building in town I usually attend services. I’m about to steer him back to the service contract conversation when his whole posture changes. His face turns a little red, his back stiffens, his hands curl as if about to form fists, and his eyes widen.)

Customer: “You’re Mormon! Oh, Heaven help you! I preach the apostolic gospel of Paul as is written in The Bible. I left [Non-Denominational Christian Church] because [Pastor] refused to preach that gospel. Jesus declared that anyone who should preach anything other than the gospel of Paul will be cursed! That’s why I only preach from The Bible, and I only preach the apostolic gospel of Paul. You Mormons don’t even believe in The Bible!”

Me: “Actually, we do, but I try not to discuss my religion at work. Now, would you be interest—”

Customer: “No, you DON’T! You don’t even believe in Jesus! If you don’t give up your wickedness and become Christian and be saved, your soul will be destined for Hell. It is my duty, as a Christian and as a preacher and as a follower of Paul, to save your SOUL!”

Me: “I’m quite happy with my faith, thank you. Now, if you’ll look at this flyer, you’ll see we have a variety of pricing options for the service contracts, if you want to get one, and—”

Customer: “Here! Take my card! Come to my church! Save yourself! Let me save you!”

(His wife clears her throat and interrupts to tell me which service contract they might be interested in but that they need some time to think about the whole purchase. She thanks me for my time and turns to go.)

Customer: “It’s not too late! We meet in my living room every Sunday at 10:00 and every Wednesday at 7:00. Please come! Uh… Do you have a spec sheet for that second model?”

(I send him on his way. I notice a few other customers staring at me and at the two customers as if we are some gory train-wreck spectacle. I turn to the one who has been waiting the longest.)

Me: “Sir, are you here to save souls or to save money on a computer?”

A Rested Development

| Rapid City, SD, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Religion, Theme Of The Month

(A guest due to check out comes to the front desk to extend her stay. It is a Sunday. I am not a Christian.)

Guest: “Yes, I’d like to extend my stay one more night.”

Me: “Okay, I just need your key cards, and I can re-make them for tonight.”

Guest: “You know, we wanted to leave today, but it’s Sunday. It’s the Lord’s Day, the day of rest, so we’re doing as he commands.”

Me: *blinking at this woman while rapidly coming up with a politically correct and professional answer* “There is no such thing as a day of rest in hospitality.”

(The guest didn’t say another word while I took care of her reservation for another ‘day of rest.’)

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