November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Religion

There’s nothing worse than a stupid customer than a stupid customer with a cause. If these people had a maker he would likely have filed them under ‘rejects’.

Just A Normal Day In The Republic

| Poutlney, Vermont, USA | Bizarre, Politics, Religion

(I’m at the register when an older gentleman wearing an USMC cap walks briskly into the store. He asks if we still have our jumbo-sized eggs. I tell him yes and point him in the direction. The conversation happens while I’m cashing him out.)

Customer: “Do you have children?”

Me: “No, I do not.”

Customer: “Are you married?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Good. When you decide to have children, take it slow. Make sure you do it right.”

Me: “Okay… I will…?”

Customer: “What does your husband do?”

Me: “He works here in the store.”

Customer: “Oh, good. In the meantime, make sure he’s baptized and votes Republican. Have a good day now.”

Me: “You, too…” *to myself after customer walks out the door* “Did that really just happen?”


| St. Louis, MO, USA | Family & Kids, History, Pets & Animals, Religion

(I work as an educator in a science museum in St. Louis. One of the activities in my section of the museum involved putting together the cast of a Dromaeosaurus skeleton.)

Eight-Year-Old Boy: “I know why this dinosaur died.”

Me: “You do?”

Eight-Year-Old Boy: “He was a smoker.”

(Later that day, a middle school group is passing by…)

Seventh-Grade Girl: *addressing her peers* “This dinosaur died because he didn’t believe in Jesus.”

Jesus On The Munchies

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Religion

(I am a cashier at this restaurant.)

Customer: “I would like three sandwiches.”

Me: “Okay, that will be $3.65.”


Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to just give you a free meal.”

Customer: “BUT I AM JESUS. YOU MUST.” *he grabs the sandwiches and starts eating them*

Me: “What would Jesus do?”

Customer: “AHHH!” *throws a fit*

Manager: “You are banned from this restaurant, Jesus.”

(He paid with his credit card and his name was not Jesus, but Paul.)

Sales Of The Witching Hour

| MO, USA | Bizarre, Religion

(It is Halloween time. We have lots of decorations all over the cafe. One is a sign that says, “I’m a real witch with or without my coffee.” It’s all cartoonish with a witch on a broomstick and all that.)

Customer: “Can I ask you a question?”

Coworker: “Sure.”

Customer: *points to the sign* “Is that a real thing? Like, is it serious?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

Customer: “Is it about real witches?”

Coworker: “Uh… real witches?”

Customer: “Yeah. Like, Satan worship.”

Coworker: “Uh…”

(So I step in because my coworker was just stunned.)

Me: “Oh, it’s just for Halloween.”

Customer: “So it’s a joke.”

Coworker: “Yeah, it’s a joke.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. It’s funny. But, you know, there are real witches.”

Coworker: “Okay…”

Customer: “Like, people who say they’re witches and worship Satan. My brother dated one once. Not that I’m judging!”

Me: “It’s just supposed to be funny…”

Customer: “Okay. That’s good that it’s not about Satan.”

Me: “Yep… not about Satan.”

Customer: *smiles and waves* “Okay, bye. God Bless.”

Coworker: “Was she saying that Wiccans worship Satan?”

Me: “Uh…”

(So now I refer to our employee meetings as Meetings of the Coffee Coven and my coworker and I started saying, “Hail Satan!” before leaving at the ends of our shifts.)

Say Your Prayers

| Guilford, NY, USA | Books & Reading, Religion

(I work as a waiter at a religious Jewish camp. The way we normally clear the tables is tie up the ends, remove anything reusable or of value that was left behind, and drag the whole thing into the trash. One night I just cleared one of my tables when one of my campers and her counselor walk in.)

Me: *smiling* “Hey, what’s up?”

Camper: “I left my pink siddur (Jewish prayer book) behind.”

(I search the shelves, benches, and floor to see if it was picked up or fell somewhere, but I can’t find it.)

Me: “Where’s the last place you remember seeing it?”

(She points to table I just cleared. I stare in horror and rush to the trash can I just dumped the tablecloth and all of the night’s meal into. I shuffle the can around to see if I can see anything but no dice. I look back up at her.)

Me: *beginning to panic* “Are you sure you left it on the table?”

(She nods yes. I look back down at the trash. This was a religious item so it was extremely important. I roll up my sleeve and reach into the trash. I shuffle and move things around, looking for any hint of a pink prayer book. Instead I touch all the leftovers the kids didn’t finish. After a while I bring my arm out, apologize and go to wash my entire arm with soap. Twice. When I come back I begin to apologize to her again but she that’s when she interrupts me with a realization.)

Camper: “Wait a minute! My friend borrowed it from me after dinner!”

Me: *staring at her long and hard while trying not to laugh at the situation and what I just did for her* “YOU TELL ME THAT NOW?!”

(I became her favorite waiter from that point on.)