November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Religion

There’s nothing worse than a stupid customer than a stupid customer with a cause. If these people had a maker he would likely have filed them under ‘rejects’.

Injured In The Name Of The Lord

| Muskegon, MI, USA | Health & Body, Religion

(I work at a general store in town. A lot of God-fearing people tend to come in there, especially on Sundays, since we are across the street from a church. We always have to watch our language when we work. We are stocking the shelves, when someone knocks into it, and a large, heavy can of meat falls on the head of one of my fellow employees.)

Employee: *drops the ‘F’ Bomb and falls right to the floor*

(Everyone in the store hears it. I go running to where he is at, and sees that the can has hit him so hard, he is bleeding, and out cold.)

Me: “[Manager], call an ambulance!”

Female Customer: *marches up to me* “EXCUSE me?! Did I hear this young man say a foul word just outside the steps of The House of the Lord?”

Me: *panicking* “Ma’am, please, he needs help—”

Customer: “He NEEDS to ask forgiveness from our Lord and Savior for using the Devil’s language!”

Me: “I will make sure he does when he wakes up, but please—”

(At this point, the Customer goes off about how sinful it was for him to speak to church folk and ‘befouled the ears of the innocent’ with his unholy talk.)

Manager: “Ma’am, please step back. This man is injured.”

Customer: “He is injured because he speaks in wicked tongues!”

Me: *at this point, I am scared and angry* “No, he is injured because a f***ing can fell on this poor bastard’s head! Now PLEASE step the f*** away from him so the medic team here can help him!”

(The woman was mortified, but the manager was understanding that I was upset. She did leave, and filed a complaint with our office. I didn’t get into too much trouble, thankfully. though that woman refuses to enter that ‘den of sin’ store ever again. Also, the employee is all right. He just needed some stitches.)

Turning Wine Into Comedy

| Albany, NY, USA | Religion

(While at the restaurant where I work as a waitress, a bunch of priests are seated in my area. Four of them are pretty young, one is clearly older. They order wine, and I get to the last older priest, stumble, and the wine ends up in his lap. His face gets all wet, and I can tell he is trying hard not to swear…)

Priest: “I cannot believe this! You spilled wine all over me! I am all wet!” *some other words I think are Latin or some derivative thereof*

(I am horrified, but put on a solemn look.)

Me: “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!”

(The whole table and some around us burst into laughter, except the old priest.)

Fuelled By The Lord

| MN, USA | Religion

Me: *working the register as a customer approaches* “Hello, how are you?”

Customer: “I’ve been standing outside for ten minutes waiting for you to turn the pump on!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, you need to be sure to press pay inside, or swipe your credit card before the pump can be activated.”

Customer: “No, no. YOU need to start it for me.”

(She reaches towards me, and I take a step back as she grabs my arm. As her eyes are closed she says:)

Customer: “God has commanded you to turn it on.”

Me: *as she is heading outside* “All right, be sure to press pay inside, then.”

(I watch as she presses the button, pumps her fuel, and comes back inside.)

Customer: “Did you feel him?”

What Would Jesus Order?

| KY, USA | Crazy Requests, Religion

(I own a small diner in the middle of town. Despite how small it is, we get a fair amount of customers during the week. However, weekends tend to be extremely slow, usually to the point that I can run everything by myself on Saturdays and Sundays. It’s reached the point where I don’t even bother to stay open past one pm, as it’s extremely rare that anyone comes in after that on those days. On Sunday in particular, I have a group of three middle-age women who come in every week after church to grab some lunch. They tend to lecture and chastise me for working on a Sunday, but I tend to let it go since they’re otherwise fairly pleasant. However, one particular morning, they caught me in a somewhat bad mood…)

Woman #1: “Hello, . I’d have my usual, but no onions this time.”

Woman #2 and #3: *practically in unison* “Same here.”

(I go to prepare their orders, which doesn’t take long since they’re all rather easy to make. As expected, no one else has come in, so I decide to close up once they’re done. After I bring them their food, one of them looks at me with a concerned face.)

Woman #2: “You okay, sweetie? You look a little stressed out.”

Me: “Oh… it’s nothing serious. I just got caught in the middle of some drama between some friends, so I didn’t get much sleep.”

Woman #1: *scoffs* “Well maybe this is because you insist on working on Sundays. Clearly, the lord is punishing you!”

(The other two chime in, agreeing with the rather harsh comment, and I stare at them in disbelief. At that point, I finally snap, but I managed to keep my cool and take a different approach.)

Me: “Okay… you know what? You’re right. I really shouldn’t be working on Sundays.”

(I pause just long enough to watch them pat each other on the back for finally “convincing” me of how “wrong” I’ve been, then continue.)

Me: “So, from now on, I won’t open this place on Sundays anymore.”

Woman #3: *suddenly turning pale after it seemingly takes a moment for my words to register* “…Wait …what?”

Woman #2: *also catching on* “But… where will we go to eat then? You’re the only place around here that’s affordable!”

Woman #1: “Yeah! You can’t do this! We’ve been loyal customers ever since you opened this place up!”

Me: *shrugging and feigning conflicted feelings* “Well, I really am sorry. But you’ve been saying it yourselves. I shouldn’t work on Sundays, so that means I can’t open up on Sundays anymore.”

Woman #1: “W- well… I’m sure the lord will make an exception… just this once! After all, you’re serving his followers, so… yeah! I’m sure He’ll forgive you!”

(The other two hastily nodded in agreement, and I had an admittedly cocky grin plastered on my face for the rest of the day. Naturally, they haven’t given me any grief about working on Sundays ever since.)

Donuts Are The Devil

| Yorkshire, England, UK | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Religion

(I’m working the night shift at a convenience store. Every week, we have a different product to ‘upsell’ – that is, we have to ask customers if they’d like to purchase the item on our tills because it is on special offer. A middle-aged man comes to my till with some bread and milk. The transaction is fairly normal until…)

Me: “Would you like any of these doughnuts today, sir? They’re on offer at £1 a box.”

Customer: *still smiling* “Oh, no, dear. I couldn’t possibly. They’re for devil worshippers, you see.”

(I half laugh, unsure if he’s serious. He looks below my till at a display of egg-shaped chocolate.)

Customer: “And here’s your Easter eggs. All for devil worshippers, too.” *laughs* “Take care, sweetheart.”

(He left, and I spend the rest of the night wondering what is satanic about a jam doughnut.)

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