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    Category: Religion

    There’s nothing worse than a stupid customer than a stupid customer with a cause. If these people had a maker he would likely have filed them under ‘rejects’.

    Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose

    | London, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Religion

    (I and my girlfriend work at the same restaurant, I’m the head chef and she’s the manager. We’re both women and although we don’t hide our relationship, we don’t flaunt it either. My girlfriend has finished for the day and the owner has come in to cover her. She comes into the kitchen to say goodbye to everyone and kisses me (a very brief kiss on the lips) then leaves. Five minutes later the owner comes in to me to say a complaint has been made by a customer regarding a ‘lesbionic’ relationship.)

    Owner: “This woman’s being a right b**** about it, saying she won’t pay for her meal, it ruined her night, it’s blasphemous, and everyone’s going to Hell.”

    Me: “She’s one of those. I’ll go deal with her.”

    (I go to the customer and introduce myself as the head chef. She’s about 30, expensively dressed (her dress looks silk but the belt, collar, & cuffs are sequined), lots of jewellery, and a tattoo on her ankle of rosary beads. She’s with a man a little older that her, clean shaven, short back and sides hair cut.)

    Customer: “The food was delicious. Are you in charge? Do you know you have lesbians in your kitchen? Maybe you should tell them not everyone wants to see that sort of thing. It’s terribly upsetting and offensive to my religious beliefs.”

    (I have done my fair share of reading on the subject of homosexuality and the Bible, so I have an answer well prepared for people like her.)

    Me: “Have you read the Bible? Timothy 2:9 says ‘I want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not adorning themselves with gold or pearls or expensive clothes.’ That’s some nice jewellery you’re wearing. It also says, Leviticus 19:19 ‘Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.’ Your silk dress is beautiful, as are the collar and cuffs. In a different material. It also says Leviticus 19:28 ‘Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves.’ I like your rosary tattoo. It also says Leviticus 19:27 ‘Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.’ Your husband looks very smart tonight. It also says Leviticus 11:8 ‘You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.’ And Leviticus 11:10 ‘And all that have not fins and scales in the seas and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.” I believe they refer to pork and shellfish. How was your ‘surf & turf?’ We only use the best pork sausages and finest lobster.”

    (The man sits there with his head bowed but the woman stares at me with pure hatred.)

    Me: “Now, I don’t know about you but it seems silly that you are willing to overlook all those sins about yourself and focus on one thing that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible. If I was as judgemental as you I would say you only kicked up a fuss to get out of paying for you meal. But that’s like stealing. I’ll send a waitress over with your bill.”

    (I went back to cooking. I could hear a couple of other customers laughing at the woman. The husband paid, leaving a big tip. I could see them outside having what looked like a pretty good argument!)

    Pig-Headed Over Halal

    | Australia | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Religion

    (I’m re-stocking shelves in the pet food aisle in, when a lady angrily shoves a pig’s ear (a type of dog treat) at me.)

    Customer: “Where is this made?”

    Me: “I’m not sure, but it usually says so on the packaging.”

    Customer: “I bet it’s not Australian-made.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, if it is it usually states it on the packaging itself. Australian-made is a pretty big deal to local companies, so they like to put it on there if it is.”

    (I take the pig’s ear and sure enough it is made locally in the state we are in, by a local company.)

    Me: “Made right here in South Australia. Right there.”

    Customer: “I bet it has that disgusting Halal certification crap all over it too! You know your company supports terrorism by allowing this Muslim garbage all over our food. And us customers have to pay for it!”

    Me: “You are aware that Muslims are forbidden to eat pork, right? And that this is a pork dog treat? For animals, right?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t matter. Your company supports terrorism by allowing Halal on it’s products.”

    Me: “Be sure to inform your dog of his choice then, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

    (She angrily shoved the locally-made, obviously not-Halal certified, pork dog treat back on the shelf and stormed off.)

    Are Jew Crazy?!

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Holidays, Religion

    (It’s mid-morning on Black Friday. A jovial customer comes in, hits on the young lady I’m ringing out, and then walks around the counter after being rejected. He sees my coworker.)

    Customer: “Hey! Hey, man. Are you Jewish?”

    Coworker: “What? No?”

    Customer: “Oh, good. So you’re American!”

    Coworker: “…what?”

    (The customer then quite happily left the store.)

    Trying To Get In Bed With The Church

    | Roseau, MN, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Religion

    (I am working the front desk at one of the local hotels in town when a car with the ODDEST paint job I’d ever seen pulls into our parking lot. A man gets out and walks to the desk, asking about a room.)

    Me: “Absolutely, sir. What kind of room were you looking for?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, I’m in town selling hand-carved furniture and have hit upon some medical problems. I was told that the local church could assist me with renting a room for the evening.

    (I smile knowingly and nod.)

    Me: “Sure. Can you tell me which church will be assisting you?”

    Customer: “Oh! It’s the Baptist church. I’m a good Southern Baptist.”

    (I nod again, both amused and annoyed: annoyed because I am now almost certain that this fellow is lying to me; amused because there is only ONE Baptist church in town and my father is the pastor of it at this time.)

    Me: “Would you excuse me a moment?”

    (He nods and I fetch my manager who is also part-owner of the hotel. I relay the situation, beginning with, “I think this guy is trying to con us, but I need to call my dad to be sure.” Owner/manager steps out of his office and begins speaking to our potential guest while I dial my cell phone in the back.)

    Church Secretary: “First Baptist Church. This is [Church Secretary]. How can I help you?”

    Me: “Hi, [Church Secretary]. It’s [My Name]. Is my dad around?”

    Church Secretary: “I’m sorry, he’s not.”

    Me: “Shoot. You don’t happen to know if he authorized any assistance to help someone with a hotel stay, do you?”

    Church Secretary: “Sorry. I don’t. I’ll tell him you called if I see him.”

    Me: “Thanks.”

    (I hang up and head back to the desk to find both my boss and the guy have moved outside and are talking. I try Dad’s cell, but it goes to voicemail and I know I’m running out of time. I leave a message, praying that Dad will call back. Both men eventually amble back into the lobby, me exchanging glances with my boss so that he knows that thus far I’ve come up empty. He nods his understanding and talks to the potential guest a bit longer, but eventually has other tasks that must be handled and I’m left alone with our ‘friend.’)

    Customer: “So, did you get everything straightened out with my room?”

    Me: “Not yet. I called the church, but didn’t get any answers so I’m waiting for a call-back. I’m so sorry about your wait.”

    Customer: “It’s all right.”

    (He ambles about the lobby, occasionally stepping out to his outrageously painted vehicle, and I try to get some work done while waiting for my father to return my call. Finally my cell phone rings.)

    Me: “Hi.”

    Dad: “Hey. What’s up?”

    (I explain the situation and ask if he’d authorized a hotel stay. He assures me that he hasn’t — that he couldn’t, in fact.)

    Me: “That’s what I thought. What about the ministerial association?”

    Dad: “Well, if he wanted aid from ANY of the local churches, he’d have to go to the Sheriff’s office.”

    Me: “What?”

    Dad: “In order to protect ourselves from con-men, the local churches all put their charitable funds into a pool. I’m the treasurer, but the Sheriff’s office is the one that gives out the money.”

    Me: “You’re kidding.”

    Dad: “Nope. Cops are used to seeing through lies. Lets us pastors continue to think the best of people and try to help them.”

    Me: “Genius, Dad. Thanks.”

    Dad: “Anytime.”

    (I hang up and walk back to the front desk, explaining to the man that I was informed that he could most certainly get assistance, however he would need to go pick up the check from the Sheriff’s office. He was, understandably, reluctant to do so.)

    Customer: “I was told that I could check in and the Baptist church would take care of it.”

    Me: “You were misinformed. I just spoke to my father, who happens to be the pastor of the only Baptist church in town. He says that all local charity funds are handled by the Sheriff’s office. I can give you directions if you’d like?”

    (The man shakes his head, mumbling something about not wanting to get the police involved, hops into his forest green Crown Victoria with red-orange, yellow, and white chevrons painted all over it (seriously HIDEOUS car) and drives away. I inform my boss that I was correct about him being a con man, then call the other two hotels in town to warn them about a potential guest that might be headed their way. An hour or so later, my cell phone rings again.)

    Me: “Hi, Dad. What’s up?”

    Dad: “Your con artist. Was he an older black man driving a forest green Crown Vic with red and yellow lines on it?”

    Me: “…yeah. How did you know?”

    Dad: “He just tried the same stunt over at the [Other Motel]. They called me.”

    Me: *laughs* “Oops! I forgot about that motel. I called the other two and warned them.”

    Dad: “Well, I told them he’d already tried the same thing with you. They called the police. Either he’ll spend the night in jail or he’ll be out of the county very quickly.”

    Me: “Yep. Thanks for sharing, Dad. I gotta get back to work.”

    Comic: Too Rich For Jesus’ Blood

    | Gulf Shores, AL, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Comics, Holidays, Religion

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