Featured:
  • My Roommate Is My Pet Hate
    (811 thumbs up)
  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Category: Religion

    There’s nothing worse than a stupid customer than a stupid customer with a cause. If these people had a maker he would likely have filed them under ‘rejects’.

    Say Your Prayers

    | Guilford, NY, USA | Books & Reading, Religion

    (I work as a waiter at a religious Jewish camp. The way we normally clear the tables is tie up the ends, remove anything reusable or of value that was left behind, and drag the whole thing into the trash. One night I just cleared one of my tables when one of my campers and her counselor walk in.)

    Me: *smiling* “Hey, what’s up?”

    Camper: “I left my pink siddur (Jewish prayer book) behind.”

    (I search the shelves, benches, and floor to see if it was picked up or fell somewhere, but I can’t find it.)

    Me: “Where’s the last place you remember seeing it?”

    (She points to table I just cleared. I stare in horror and rush to the trash can I just dumped the tablecloth and all of the night’s meal into. I shuffle the can around to see if I can see anything but no dice. I look back up at her.)

    Me: *beginning to panic* “Are you sure you left it on the table?”

    (She nods yes. I look back down at the trash. This was a religious item so it was extremely important. I roll up my sleeve and reach into the trash. I shuffle and move things around, looking for any hint of a pink prayer book. Instead I touch all the leftovers the kids didn’t finish. After a while I bring my arm out, apologize and go to wash my entire arm with soap. Twice. When I come back I begin to apologize to her again but she that’s when she interrupts me with a realization.)

    Camper: “Wait a minute! My friend borrowed it from me after dinner!”

    Me: *staring at her long and hard while trying not to laugh at the situation and what I just did for her* “YOU TELL ME THAT NOW?!”

    (I became her favorite waiter from that point on.)

    Be Christian Or Have The Devil To Pay

    | UT, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Religion

    (I’m a cashier at a large supermarket. There are small charity donation tins at each register; upon receiving their change, customers often deposit their change in these tins.)

    Me: “Okay, so your total is $28.40. How will you be paying today?”

    Customer: “Cash.” *hands me $30*

    Me: “Here’s your $1.60 change. Thank you, and have a nice day!”

    Customer: “Wait. You aren’t one of those Satanists, are you?”

    Me: “Umm… no? Why?”

    Customer: “Good, I just wanted to be sure before donating.”

    (The customer puts the change in the charity tin, smiling smugly and dripping with pomp. I feel somewhat unimpressed that this person was going to choose whether to donate or not based purely on my religious preferences rather than out of any kind of human decency or concern for the charity in question.)

    Me: “Of course, I’m not a Christian either.” *waving cheerily as the customer backs away in horror and disgust* “Have a lovely day!”

    His Explanation Isn’t Kosher

    , | NY, USA | Religion

    (I work in a college dining hall in the kosher kitchen.)

    Customer #1: “Hey, so what is kosher anyways?”

    Me: “Well, it’s—”

    Customer #2: “It means the food has been watched over by one of their priests.”

    Me: “No, actually, that’s a common misconception. It’s actually—”

    Customer #2: “No, it’s not. That’s how it works. Clearly, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” *the guy is wearing a cross around his neck*

    Me: “That’d be amazing, considering I’m an Orthodox Jew and I’ve kept kosher all my life. I wasn’t aware that non-Jews knew more about my religion than I do. Please, go on.”

    (Customer #2 huffed and left. His friend looked slightly embarrassed and hurried away before I can continue my explanation.)

    This Customer Is The Opposite Of Manna From Heaven

    | Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Religion

    (My store exclusively sells religious books and gift items, such as posters. One of the posters depicts a funny fictional scene from The Old Testament: while Israelites catch manna falling from the sky in their mouths, one guy chokes in disgust. A bird flying overhead implies that he caught something much less pleasant than heavenly bread.)

    Customer: “What is this?”

    Me: “Oh, that’s an example of some of the posters we have for sale. That manna one is the most popular. People get a big kick out of it.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you would have a poster like this! How offensive!”

    (This is the first time I’ve ever heard a customer complain about this particular poster. Most people chuckle when they walk past it.)

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You should be! It’s disrespectful to one of the great patriarchs!”

    Me “You mean Moses? He’s not the choking guy in the poster. He’s standing off to the side, see?”

    Customer: “No! This entire poster is disrespectful! What a disgrace that you hang it in a Christian store!”

    Me: “Well, can I help you find something else that’s more tasteful?”

    Customer: “No, but you can get me your manager!”

    Me: “The manager? Why?”

    Customer: “I demand that this poster be taken down immediately! It’s so offensive!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the manager is really busy right now. I’ll be happy to tell her later that—”

    Customer: “Get her out here NOW!”

    (I go drag the manager away from her phone conference and bring her out. The customer repeats her complaints about the poster.)

    Manager: “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am, but the poster is one of the best-selling—”

    Customer: “I demand that you take it down right now!”

    Manager: “The poster is—”

    Customer: “If you don’t take it down right now, I’ll never shop here again! You’ll lose all the money I spend at this store! I am a VERY loyal customer and come here all the time!”

    (The manager rolled her eyes and took the poster down. Without even so much as a ‘thank you,’ the customer walked away in a huff. She didn’t buy anything… and we never saw her again after that. So much for that ‘loyal customer’!)

    Retract The Tract

    | FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Religion

    (No one at my restaurant likes working the Sunday lunch shift, because it’s full of people who have just come from the nearby church. Most of them are total cheapskates and sometimes they’ll even get in your face about it. This Sunday, I’ve just delivered the check to a young couple.)

    Male Customer: “Instead of a tip, I’m just going to give you this tract.”

    (He hands me a paper and they both have huge grins on their faces as I can feel my expression turning into an obvious scowl.)

    Me: “Oh, uh… thanks.”1

    Female Customer: “I think you’ll find everything worthwhile about religion written down there.”

    (I open the paper they give me as they get up to leave, and I get two surprises. First is a $20 tip on a $30 check, even though they said they weren’t going to tip me. Second, the paper is completely blank.)

    Me: “This, uh… this is a blank paper.”

    Male Customer: “We’re atheists.”

    Page 1/3612345...Last