Category: Religion

There’s nothing worse than a stupid customer than a stupid customer with a cause. If these people had a maker he would likely have filed them under ‘rejects’.

What Would Jesus Do For Free Wifi

| Toledo, OH, USA | Crazy Requests, Religion, Technology

(I used to work for an Internet broadband company, and in addition to technical questions, I would also have to be able to resolve billing issues. The customer who calls this time, however, has an interesting take on things:)

Me: “Let’s take a look at your account. Just give me one moment to call—”

Caller: MY INTERNET’S BUSTED!

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am; it will take just one moment. Ah, here we go. It seems that this account has not been paid on for three months, so we have suspended yo—”

Caller: “WHY’S MY INTERNET SHUT OFF?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can understand your frustration, but due to non-payment, we’ve suspended your account. However, if you would like to make a credit card payment over the phone, I can go ahead an—”

Caller: “I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD! WHY IS MY INTERNET NOT WORKING?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I can’t turn you back on until a portion of the balance is paid off. if you are able to make a partial payment o—”

Caller: “TURN ME BACK ON! I NEED MY INTERNET!” *in a suddenly quiet voice* “Jesus wouldn’t have turned me off.”

Me: *startled blink* “Pardon, ma’am?”

Caller: *gaining steam* “I said, Jesus wouldn’t have turned me off! I don’t have the money to pay for this, but he wouldn’t have shut me off!”

Me: “…I do apologize ma’am, but I don’t see where this is relevant to your overdue bill—”

Caller: “JESUS LOVED EVERYONE AND WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME FREE INTERNET!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you remember biblical quotes? Wasn’t it Jesus himself who said, ‘render unto Caesar, that which is Caesar’s, and render unto God, that which is God’s?'”

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Anyway, I cannot turn you back on until you’ve made a payment.”

Caller: “LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “My pleasure!”

Judged Unworthy To Judge

| NH, USA | At The Checkout, Holidays, Religion

(I am wearing rabbit ears the week before the Easter holiday while I ring groceries.)

Customer: “And do you go to church on Easter?”

Me: “No, I celebrate with baskets, candy, and a nice family meal.”

Customer: “I don’t think Jesus would approve of that.”

Me: “Luckily for me, Jesus wasn’t exactly known to judge people.”

(That shut him up!)

How To Give Someone A God Complex

| The Philippines | Crazy Requests, Religion

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. [My Name] speaking. Can I have your full name, please?”

Customer: “[Customer].”

Me: “Thank you. How can I be of assistance to you today?”

Customer: “I need you to take of the late fees and overdraft fees off of my account! RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Well, I’ll be glad to take a look into your account and review the probability of removing the fees but I’m going to need to review it thoroughly, okay?”

Customer: “Yeah, whatever.”

(After a good minute of pause…)

Me: “I’m sorry Ms. [Customer], but it seems that the charges are all valid; I won’t be able to remove them this time.”

Customer: “You f****** b****! You had me waiting for 15 long minutes while you were doing your s*** on your computer and now you’re telling me you cannot take these f***** fees off?!”

(I have her account pulled up and it didn’t take me 15 minutes to see the late and overdraft fees on her account.)

Me: “I’m sorry this upsets you, ma’am, and as much as I would like to remove these fees for you, I won’t have the capability because our system recognizes valid charges and won’t let us modify it.”

Customer: “I don’t f****** care! Remove them or I will call the police!”

Me: “What can the police do?”

Customer: “You people are stealing my money! I will sue you and your company for this, lady!”

Me: “I understand your frustration, but we have sent you multiple notices reminding you of your payment and we haven’t received any amount for the past five months. The late fess piled up, over-drafting your account. I really do apologize for the inconvenience this has caused you.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that s***! I f****** want you to f****** remove these fees off of my account! Don’t be stupid! I know you can do it! You just don’t want to, because you are too lazy to do it!”

Me: “Ms. [Customer], please avoid using profanity. This is a professional institution and we don’t tolerate such language. If it happens again, I will have to disconnect the call.”

Customer: “F*** you, you f****** b****! Give me your f***** supervisor! Wait, no. I want someone higher that your supervisor: your manager, or your CEO! No, I want the president of your company, or the higher person above your president!”

(After multiple attempts to calm the customer down and my warnings for her vulgar language, I am kind of ticked off already.)

Me: “Ma’am, I definitely can hand you over to my supervisor—”

Customer: “Didn’t you f****** hear me, you s***?! I want the person higher than the president of your company!”

Me: “I believe that wouldn’t be possible; there is no one higher than the president of this company. He owns the business.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you! Hand me over to someone higher than him!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you want someone higher than the person who owns this company, then PRAY. Talk to God. He is the highest being you could talk to. You can also ask for forgiveness for that bad language and have Him bless you more for you to have the money to pay for your dues. And since you didn’t listen when I asked you to stay professional, I will now disconnect this call. I hope you have a nice day and thank you for calling [Bank]. Good bye.” *click*

Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose

| London, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Religion

(I and my girlfriend work at the same restaurant, I’m the head chef and she’s the manager. We’re both women and although we don’t hide our relationship, we don’t flaunt it either. My girlfriend has finished for the day and the owner has come in to cover her. She comes into the kitchen to say goodbye to everyone and kisses me (a very brief kiss on the lips) then leaves. Five minutes later the owner comes in to me to say a complaint has been made by a customer regarding a ‘lesbionic’ relationship.)

Owner: “This woman’s being a right b**** about it, saying she won’t pay for her meal, it ruined her night, it’s blasphemous, and everyone’s going to Hell.”

Me: “She’s one of those. I’ll go deal with her.”

(I go to the customer and introduce myself as the head chef. She’s about 30, expensively dressed (her dress looks silk but the belt, collar, & cuffs are sequined), lots of jewellery, and a tattoo on her ankle of rosary beads. She’s with a man a little older that her, clean shaven, short back and sides hair cut.)

Customer: “The food was delicious. Are you in charge? Do you know you have lesbians in your kitchen? Maybe you should tell them not everyone wants to see that sort of thing. It’s terribly upsetting and offensive to my religious beliefs.”

(I have done my fair share of reading on the subject of homosexuality and the Bible, so I have an answer well prepared for people like her.)

Me: “Have you read the Bible? Timothy 2:9 says ‘I want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not adorning themselves with gold or pearls or expensive clothes.’ That’s some nice jewellery you’re wearing. It also says, Leviticus 19:19 ‘Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.’ Your silk dress is beautiful, as are the collar and cuffs. In a different material. It also says Leviticus 19:28 ‘Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves.’ I like your rosary tattoo. It also says Leviticus 19:27 ‘Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.’ Your husband looks very smart tonight. It also says Leviticus 11:8 ‘You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.’ And Leviticus 11:10 ‘And all that have not fins and scales in the seas and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.” I believe they refer to pork and shellfish. How was your ‘surf & turf?’ We only use the best pork sausages and finest lobster.”

(The man sits there with his head bowed but the woman stares at me with pure hatred.)

Me: “Now, I don’t know about you but it seems silly that you are willing to overlook all those sins about yourself and focus on one thing that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible. If I was as judgemental as you I would say you only kicked up a fuss to get out of paying for you meal. But that’s like stealing. I’ll send a waitress over with your bill.”

(I went back to cooking. I could hear a couple of other customers laughing at the woman. The husband paid, leaving a big tip. I could see them outside having what looked like a pretty good argument!)

Pig-Headed Over Halal

| Australia | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Religion

(I’m re-stocking shelves in the pet food aisle in, when a lady angrily shoves a pig’s ear (a type of dog treat) at me.)

Customer: “Where is this made?”

Me: “I’m not sure, but it usually says so on the packaging.”

Customer: “I bet it’s not Australian-made.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, if it is it usually states it on the packaging itself. Australian-made is a pretty big deal to local companies, so they like to put it on there if it is.”

(I take the pig’s ear and sure enough it is made locally in the state we are in, by a local company.)

Me: “Made right here in South Australia. Right there.”

Customer: “I bet it has that disgusting Halal certification crap all over it too! You know your company supports terrorism by allowing this Muslim garbage all over our food. And us customers have to pay for it!”

Me: “You are aware that Muslims are forbidden to eat pork, right? And that this is a pork dog treat? For animals, right?”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter. Your company supports terrorism by allowing Halal on it’s products.”

Me: “Be sure to inform your dog of his choice then, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

(She angrily shoved the locally-made, obviously not-Halal certified, pork dog treat back on the shelf and stormed off.)

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