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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Category: Politics

    Like a little more satirical meat on your humor sandwich? Ever wonder what very stupid customers view as topical? Even worse, see what happens when these people decide they want to vote! Don’t blame the state of the world on the government, blame it on them!

    You And Me Could Write A Bipartisan Romance

    | Durham, NC, USA | Movies & TV, Politics, Top

    (I am the first person to arrive at work in the morning, and I answer a call as soon as I walk into the door.)

    Caller: “Finally! I have been calling since 5 am! You people should be ashamed. I have an emergency!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. No one gets here until 10 am most days. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I have a serious problem! My daughter has planned to have a date sometime today at your theater, and I told her she was not allowed to go! I need you to cancel her ticket!”

    (I see no pre-sales for the day at all.)

    Me: “No one has bought a ticket so far for today, so I can’t really help. Maybe you should just make her stay home?”

    Caller: “Well, I can’t do that. She lives in her own place and I can’t get over there in time to stop her.”

    Me: “Just how old is your daughter anyway?”

    Caller: “She’s 28.”

    Me: “Ma’am, she’s an adult and I cannot refuse her a ticket because you do not approve of her date.”

    Caller: “You don’t understand! He’s a Democrat!”

    Birthday Cele-Berations

    | Elkhart, IN, USA | Politics

    Customer: “You don’t have much of a selection for ninetieth birthday parties.”

    Me: “Not many people live that long. Most of our suppliers don’t carry anything past the sixtieth birthday decorations.”

    Customer: “It’s all because of Obama, you know. With his health care system, they just put you out to pasture once you’re sixty-five, and that’s the end of you. He probably told everyone to stop selling things with eighty and ninety on it, so people won’t want to live as long.”

    Labouring Over The Decision

    | Wollongong, Australia | Extra Stupid, Politics

    (We are having our federal election. I have just given a voter her ballot papers, and she told me she was familiar with how to vote. However, about 5 minutes later, I see her desperately trying to get her hand into the ballot box.)

    Customer: “Someone help me!”

    Me: “What is it? Are you okay?”

    Customer: “No! I voted for the wrong person! I don’t want that evil man running my country! I just got confused!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry, I can’t get into the ballot box until 6pm tonight. Tell me what happened, and I’ll ask my supervisor if there’s anything we can do.”

    Customer: “I meant to vote for Julia Gillard but I accidentally put my preference down as Labour!”

    Me: “I think you’re okay then. Julia Gillard is the Labour representative.”

    Customer: *suddenly looking shifty* “Well duh. Why else would I have voted for Labour?”

    When Rants Get Real

    | Durham, NC, USA | Books & Reading, Politics, Religion

    (These customers are usually regulars and rant with us.)

    Customer: “Those d*** telemarketers keep calling me at home. I swear, one of these days, I’m going to find those f***s and gun them down!”

    Me: “Aww, that’s hardly fair. They’re just doing their job, you know?”

    Customer: “Yeah, well that’s what the Nazis said at Nuremberg.”

    Me: “Are you honestly trying to comparing somebody calling you at home inconveniently equal to genocide?”

    Customer: “D*** right it is. They should do something about it too! Hold a trial or something.”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t think it’s really fair to make that sort of judgment on any individual.”

    Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying that what the Nazis did was okay?”

    Me: “Not at all. Just that it’s a bit of a stretch.”

    Customer: “Uh huh…you seem like the kind of guy who’d stand up for the terrorists, too wouldn’t you? I bet if they built a mosque on Ground Zero, you’d be okay with that, too!?”

    Me: “They’re already doing that.”

    Customer: “Wait, what!?”

    Perturbed By The Verb

    | Queens, NY, USA | Funny Names, Politics

    Caller: “You need to do something about that new surf shop. You need to shut them down.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we can’t just shut the surf shop down, but why don’t you tell me the problem?”

    Caller: “Well, they’re very inappropriate! My teenage daughter walked by the other day, and they ‘Googled’ her!”

    Me: “They ‘Googled’ your daughter?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “As she walked by?”

    Caller: “That’s what I’m telling you!”

    Me: “Do you mean they ‘ogled’ her?”

    Caller: “Same thing!”

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