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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Category: Politics

    Like a little more satirical meat on your humor sandwich? Ever wonder what very stupid customers view as topical? Even worse, see what happens when these people decide they want to vote! Don’t blame the state of the world on the government, blame it on them!

    Obama-Careless, Part 2

    | MO, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Politics

    Me: “This is medical records. How can I help you?”

    Patient’s Girlfriend: “My man was in the ER yesterday and we need to know what’s wrong with him.”

    Me: “Okay. He just needs to fill out a release of information. I can fax one to you, or mail one to you, or you can come in, whichever is easiest for you.”

    Patient’s Girlfriend: “You can’t just tell me?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. That’s against HIPAA regulation.”

    Patient’s Girlfriend: “He’s too sick to come in! And we don’t have no fax.”

    Me: “Then you can come in, pick up a release, and then take it back to have him fill it out authorizing his records to be released to you. When you can come back we can give you his records.”

    Patient’s Girlfriend: “I don’t have a driver’s license! He doesn’t have one either. This is bulls***!”

    (Meanwhile, I can hear the patient in the background, shouting about how he’s ‘paying for HIPAA’ and how everything is Obama’s fault before he finally takes the phone from the girl.)

    Patient: “You look here. I f****** need to know now! I’m really f****** sick and I need to know what’s f****** wrong with me! I’ll come get you when I die!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I really can’t release information over the phone. If you’re seeing a doctor who needs to know what you were seen for in the ER, they can contact us and we can send them the records directly.”

    Patient: “I’m not seeing no f****** doctor. I don’t have no ‘Obamacare.’ I just wanna know what’s wrong with me!”

    Me: *giving up* “Would you like to speak to my director?

    Patient: “D*** yes, I’ll speak to your director! I’ll send Obama after you!”

    (I attempt to transfer the call to my director. It rings through to her voicemail so I go ahead and transfer him so he can leave a message. After hanging up, I stare at the phone for a few minutes before turning to my coworker next to me.)

    Me: “That might be the most occurrences of the f-word I’ve ever heard in five minutes.”

    (Ten minutes later, a coworker from another part of the office comes in.)

    Coworker #2: “Um, there’s a patient on the phone who’s really upset. He says he needs his records right now.”

    Coworker #1: “Is he saying the f-word a lot?”

    (Coworker #2 nods and Coworker #1 sighs.)

    Coworker #1: “Tell him to see if maybe one of the doctors or nurses who treated him will talk to him and transfer him to the ER.”

    (Five minutes later Coworker #1′s phone rings.)

    Coworker #1: “Thank you for calling… What? Oh, good grief. I think we just talked to him, but go ahead and put him through. Health Information Management. How can I help you? Mmhm. No, I can’t give you any information over the phone. All right. I’ll hold, but I can’t break the law for him, either.

    (My coworker hangs up the phone and catches my curious look.)

    Coworker #1: “He told me he was going to transfer me to the White House so I could talk to Obama. When I said I’d hold, he muttered something about his stupid smartphone, and then told me to f*** off and hung up.”

    Related:
    Obama-Careless

    Obama And Aliens And Popes, Oh My

    | VA, USA | Bizarre, Politics

    (I am starting to shut down my food cart. It has a ‘Now Hiring’ sign, which lists the wages. A man in his 40s walks up to take a food sample.)

    Customer: “You know, if you lived in North Dakota you could get an easier job at $15/hour.”

    Me: “Uh, that’s nice.”

    Customer: “But that’ll change when Obama takes over the country. The wages will drop then.”

    Me: “… That’s okay. I’m actually planning on moving to Canada in the next couple of years.”

    Customer: *suspicious look* “Canada… You know who I’d trust to run my health care?”

    Me: “No?”

    Customer: “You. But I wouldn’t trust the Government. They’re shady.

    Me: “Yeah. The government does seem to hide a lot from us.”

    Customer: “It’s all because of Israel and The Vatican, anyway. Have you heard of the Jesuits?”

    Me: “… Kind of?”

    Customer: “Well, the black pope is running the Vatican from Jerusalem. See, he thinks the Ark of the Covenant is there. That’s why he wants to sit atop it and rule the world from there. He’s the one who’s actually in control of the Vatican, and running the USA.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “That’s why the USA likes Israel so much! It’s all because the Vatican is baptizing aliens.”

    Me: “Aliens like… foreigners?”

    Customer: “No, aliens! You know… The greys, the lizard people…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Anyway, Obama. His name isn’t even Barack. He grew up in Indonesia, and people called him ‘Barry.’”

    Me: “Well, Mitt Romney’s first name is actually Willard, which is worse in my opinion.”

    Customer: “Hmm… That’s true…” *gives thoughtful suspicious look, as if he’s now distrustful of Romney*

    Me: *coughs*

    Customer: “Anyway. North Dakota. Think about it.” *walks off*

    Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills, Part 3

    | Twin Cities, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Politics

    (I am a cashier at a dollar store. Lately, we’ve been collecting school supplies for a charity that donates them to military families. As such, we have to ask customers if they would like to purchase an item for this charity.)

    Me: “Would you also be interested in purchasing an item for [Charity] today?”

    Man: “What is that? Some sort of communist youth organization?”

    Me: *dumbfounded* “Uhm, no, sir. It donates school supplies to military families with children.”

    Man: “Well, same thing right?”

    (I stand there for a few seconds, just silently blinking and staring at him.)

    Me: “…no, sir. Not even close.”

    Related:
    Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills, Part 2
    Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills

    This Is How Democracy Dies

    | Farmington, UT, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Politics

    (I work in an election office. It’s the afternoon on Election Day, and we’ve been in a call center since 6 am, telling citizens where their designated polling place is and explaining how closed primaries work. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Hello, county elections, how may I help you?”

    Citizen: “I’ve been to three different polling places today, and they all say I’m in the wrong place!”

    Me: “Can I have your name? I’ll look up your polling place for you.”

    (The citizen gives their name.)

    Me: “It looks like your polling place is [Elementary School].”

    Citizen: “I’ve already been to three other places! How was I supposed to know that’s where my polling place was?”

    Me: “Well, we sent you a card a few weeks ago with your polling place on it. It should also be on the voter card that was mailed when you registered to vote at your address.”

    Citizen: “I have three kids! I don’t have time to read my mail!”

    Me: “In addition, we’ve listed all the polling places in the local paper for the last two weeks, and you could look up your polling place online at [website]. We’ve also had pamphlets at the local library. Or you could have called this number before you went to three different polling places.”

    Citizen: “That’s unacceptable! I want someone to come to my house on the morning of election day with a van and say, ‘Mrs. [Name], this is where you vote!’”

    Me: “Uh…”

    (And that’s how democracy dies.)

    Her Number Has Been (Tali)Banned

    , | USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Money, Politics

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]; my name is [Name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to go over my bill; it’s higher than normal! Why are you double charging me!?”

    Me: “Alright, let me pull up the bill and I’ll help you with that. I see here that we have voice overage of 347 minutes totaling $138.80. Add that to your regular bill and the taxes involved and that’s why it’s so high. Would you like me to increase your plan allowance to prevent this in the future? I see based on an analysis of your account that this seems to be happening every mo—”

    Caller: “No, I want you to credit that back to me! I’ve been with [Company] for 30 years! You owe me at least that for all the money I’ve spent for your services.”

    (I note that she’s been with us for nine months, the last six of which she has gone over her allowance, and the last five of which she has received a credit for. Based on notes, it was because she was persistent and demanding and it was done to get her off the phone.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I understand how frustrating this can be; however in the last five months you have received credits for your overages. You’ve been advised of how to know when you’re going over, and based on that, it’s only $20 more for the next tier of minutes. Considering your overages, I’d be willing to rerate you as if you had been on that plan and issue a credit back, except for the increased minutes, but this will be the last credit issued on the account for overages.”

    Caller: “No, I don’t want to pay for that other plan! I’m not increasing it! Oh for crying out loud, hold on!”

    (In the background I can hear her clearly working at a clothing store.)

    Caller: *to someone else* “Oh these shirts are buy two get one free, so if you grab another, one of these will be free. Mm-hmm! Okay, bye-bye!”

    (The customer then returns to our call.)

    Caller: “Okay, so I want you to credit the overages back for me, but I’m not going to increase my plan.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I couldn’t help overhearing, but you have a deal going on at your store?”

    Caller: “Oh, yes! You can buy two shirts and get a third free! It’s really a great deal!”

    Me: “So if I came up to the counter and put four shirts on the counter, how many would you charge me for?”

    Caller: “Well, three of them of course.”

    Me: “But I only want to pay for the two.”

    Caller: “You’d have to get another shirt and then you can get a second free, but the deal only comes with one free shirt for every two you buy.”

    Me: “Just like your plan; it comes with 450 minutes. You want the other 347 for free, but that’s not included in the deal. So if you want those minutes, you have to pay for them.”

    Caller: “You’re just trying to trick me!”

    Me: “Not at all, ma’am; I’m just explaining it another way. Your deal is that two shirts get you one free. Your cell phone plan is 450 minutes included, but anything else is overage… but if you go to the 900 minute plan, it’d be $20 more, and save you money because you would get those extra minutes you’ve been charged in overage included. So your option is this: increase the plan, or no credit. At all. You’ve been credited five months straight, but I am not going to issue a penny unless you take action to prevent further overages.”

    Caller: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER! YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE IS TERRIBLE! I HOPE THE TALIBAN KILLS YOUR FAMILY!”

    Me: “Really? You’re going to threaten my family because you refuse to take responsibility for your own overages? Sure, here’s my manager.”

    (My manager has been listening because as soon as the caller started screaming I had flagged him over. He takes over.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, I am from Iran. I watched the Taliban kill my two sons because they wouldn’t join. You want me to issue a credit after making that kind of a threat? No. I’ve flagged your account. You will receive no further credits. Pay your bill through the automated system before the fifteenth to avoid a late fee, which also will not be credited. Goodbye.”

    (The manager hangs up on the customer without another word, and turns to me.)

    Manager: “Go on break.”

    (The customer called in twenty more times before she finally cancelled her services due to discrimination claims, stating that my manager and I threatened to come to her store and beat her up if she didn’t pay. The charges were overturned after the call was reviewed.)

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