November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Politics

Like a little more satirical meat on your humor sandwich? Ever wonder what very stupid customers view as topical? Even worse, see what happens when these people decide they want to vote! Don’t blame the state of the world on the government, blame it on them!

Just A Normal Day In The Republic

| Poutlney, Vermont, USA | Bizarre, Politics, Religion

(I’m at the register when an older gentleman wearing an USMC cap walks briskly into the store. He asks if we still have our jumbo-sized eggs. I tell him yes and point him in the direction. The conversation happens while I’m cashing him out.)

Customer: “Do you have children?”

Me: “No, I do not.”

Customer: “Are you married?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Good. When you decide to have children, take it slow. Make sure you do it right.”

Me: “Okay… I will…?”

Customer: “What does your husband do?”

Me: “He works here in the store.”

Customer: “Oh, good. In the meantime, make sure he’s baptized and votes Republican. Have a good day now.”

Me: “You, too…” *to myself after customer walks out the door* “Did that really just happen?”

The Vote Is In: He’s An Idiot

| AZ, USA | Politics

(I am volunteering for a local political campaign and calling a list of voters whose ballots have not yet been returned.)

Man: “Hello? Who is this number?”

Me: “Hello, I’m a volunteer for [Political Campaign], and-


Me: “Sir—”

Man: “You think you can call people and tell them how to vote, but that’s none of your business—”

Me: *interrupting* “Sir, I don’t think you understand the purpose of these calls.”

Man: “Excuse me? I don’t understand? I’m 60 years old and I don’t need some little girl telling me how politics work or how to vote!”

Me: “We are not calling to tell people how they should vote. We are contacting people who are listed as not returning their ballots—”

Man: “So you can tell them how to fill them out!”

Me: “—so we can make sure that they actually received them, as that would be a problem if they had not. If they have received their ballot, we remind them that they must be mailed by Thursday, two days from now, in order to be counted in time, or let them know that they can be dropped off at their local polling station. If they do not know where their polling station is we can give them the address, and if they do not have means of transportation to get to their polling station we can arrange for a ride. Then we have a few optional questions for polling purposes.”

Man: “WHAT!? You Democrats admit to bringing people to polling stations! That’s election fraud! You just admitted it!”

Me: “Well, sir, I don’t see how it could be election fraud if they’re registered voters. Even people without a car or the means to afford one have voting rights.”

Man: “I- I KNOW THAT! I’ve been voting for 60 years!”

Me: “42.”


Me: “The legal voting age is 18. If you’re 60 years old, you could have only been voting for the past 42 years.”

Man: “…”

Me: “So, have you received your ballot?”

Man: “That’s NONE of your business! You shouldn’t be asking people personal questions about politics!”

Me: “Very well, sir, participation in the voting and polling process is completely optional. Have a nice day.”

Man: “And I’m a Republican anyway, so you wouldn’t want my ballot!”

Me: *patience slipping a little* “Sir, we would still be happy to assist you in registering your vote or reaching the polling station if you required it. Preventing people from voting is not our party agenda.”

Man: “…Well, um, where the hell is it I’m supposed to go on Thursday, then?”

Me: “According to your listed district, your polling station is at [Address]. And the election is next Tuesday, not this Thursday. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Man: “NO! I KNEW THAT!” *hangs up*

Drive Through Democracy

, | TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Politics

(A customer pulls up to my window, and he looks extremely similar to Bill Clinton.)

Me: “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Bill Clinton?”

Customer: “I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!”

(The customer then proceeded, in full Clinton style, to light up a joint at my drive-through window.)

Fickle Over A Nickel

| ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Money, Politics

(I have just completed a transaction with an otherwise calm customer. My city is right across the border from a major American city, and this customer has paid with American currency. Here, we have phased out the penny, and transactions either round up or down to the next .05 or .10.)

Me: “That will be $6.30, please.”

Customer: “But the screen says $6.27!”

Me: “Yes, but we do rounding here. 27 cents rounds up to 30.”

Customer: “Well that’s just ridiculous! I demand to see your manager! You’re trying to short change me! I know the tricks.”

Me: “Sir, it’s just three cents—”


(My manager, having heard all this, steps in.)

Manager: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down. My worker here is not trying to short change you, nor is she lying to you.”

Customer: “I want a refund!”

Me: “You didn’t even pay yet.”

(I glance at the money still in this hand.)

Customer: *flustered* “Well, good! I didn’t want you taking my money anyways!”

(He left in a huff, muttering about ‘foreign commies out to get his money.’)

This Is Not What A Feminist Looks Like

| Dayton, OH, USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Language & Words, Politics

(A woman approaches me at the counter, looking over her shoulder as if she is looking out for someone.)

Me: “Can I… help you, ma’am?”

Woman: “Yes, um, I was wondering if you had any books about…” *drops her voice to an urgent whisper* “… the ‘F’ word.”

Me: “Well, um, we have the ‘Kama Sutra’ in our world cultures section and our romance novel and erotica are—”

Woman: “No, no! The other ‘F’-word.”

Me: *thoroughly confused* “I’m afraid I’m not following ,ma’am…”

Woman: “The ‘F’-word, you know!”

Me: “Really, ma’am, I don’t. Would you like to write it down for me to—”

Woman: “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! FEMINISM! I’m looking for a book on feminism! Now the whole store knows my business! THANK YOU!”

(She proceeds to quickly flee the store, apologizing to other patrons as she leaves.)

Next Customer: “Is she going to be all right?”

Me: “I certainly hope so.”

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