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    Category: One-Liners

    Sometimes, it only takes a single line for a customer to show their true colors!

    Giving Him A Good Dressing Down

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body, One-Liners

    (I am bartending. A nicely dressed couple in their 20s comes in and order drinks at the bar. They’ve been polite and quiet. The woman is on the heavier side, but still quite cute in her skirt. When the woman’s boyfriend goes to the restroom, a rowdy customer in a polo shirt, who has been obnoxious all night, approaches the bar.)

    Rowdy Customer: “Hey! Hey! I need another gin and tonic! Hey!”

    Me: “I’ll be right with you. Just let me fill this order.”

    (As I’m filling the other order, I look up and see the rowdy customer eyeing the woman. He leans onto the bar while staring at her.)

    Rowdy Customer: “Hey, you.”

    (The woman ignores him, and turns slightly away.)

    Rowdy Customer: “You know, a pig in a dress is still just a pig in a dress!”

    (At this point, I’m speechless. I see the woman’s face turn from a smile into an extremely angry frown. Before I can say anything, the woman turns towards him.)

    Woman: “Yeah, and you know, an a**hole in a polo is still just an a**hole in a polo!”

    Rowdy Customer: “I… what?”

    Me: “You can pay up and get out of here for harassing other customers. That’s what!”

    Rowdy Customer: “This is bull-s***!”

    (The rowdy customer leaves some money on the counter and storms out. I turn to the woman.)

    Me: “Hey, that was the best thing I’ve heard all night! Can I get you and your boyfriend the next round?”

    (She smiles and accepts, ordering a drink for herself and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend comes back after everything has quieted down.)

    Me: “Here’s your free round. Really, that was a great come back! It made my day!”

    Woman: “Thanks!”

    Too Fast, Too Furious

    | BC, Canada | One-Liners, Technology

    (A customer calls into our store, and my coworker answers the phone. I’m listening to the conversation.)

    Coworker: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a manual for my cordless phone. Do you sell them at your store?”

    Coworker: “We don’t sell the manuals, unfortunately. You could probably find it online though.”

    Customer: “That will be too much work. Just sell me one of yours!”

    Coworker: “What’s the model number?”

    (My coworker proceeds to look up the manual on a common internet search engine.)

    Coworker: “If you want us to print out a copy of the manual for you, it will be five cents a page. You can pick it up in the store.”

    Customer: “You don’t have the manual!”

    Coworker: “I do, ma’am. I just found it online.”

    Customer: “No, you didn’t. It didn’t take you long enough!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m looking right at it! Would you like us to print you off a copy?”

    Customer: “You don’t have the manual! That was too fast! I can’t believe your lack of customer service!”

    (The customer hangs up.)

    Me: “What just happened?”

    Coworker: “Stupid happened.”

    The Hitchhiker’s Guide To Diplomacy

    | Liverpool, England, UK | Awesome Customers, Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Language & Words, One-Liners, Top

    (A customer in his early 20′s is ranting at the front of the bookstore. He’s speaking as if he’s much older than he is. His rant is about kids nowadays not reading as much. There are no other customers, so it’s policy to let him vent. I smile politely to everything he’s saying, since he’s not being a bother.)

    Male Customer: “…they just don’t understand the beauty of holding a book in their hands, smelling the pages and reading tales of epic proportion! Kids these days just want to stand around listening to crap music. No wonder they’re getting dumber.”

    Me: “We get a few teenagers coming in the store, though.”

    Male Customer: “I bet they’re just picking up crap like Twilight. They’d never read proper books.”

    (A customer walks in as he’s saying this. I recognise her from a few days ago, when she ordered a book. She’s about 16, very blonde, and very clearly one of the popular girls.)

    Female Customer: “Hi, I ordered a book. I just want to check if it has come in? It’s under [name].”

    Male Customer: *mutters* “This is exactly what I was talking about.”

    Female Customer: “Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?”

    Male Customer: “I was just saying that kids like you have no interest in reading. If you do, it’s all crap.”

    Female Customer: “If I had no interest in reading, why would I be in a bookstore? And who cares what others think of a book, so long as you enjoy it? That’s all that matters, right?”

    Male Customer: “Whatever, go on, pick up your crappy little Twilight.”

    Female Customer: “For your information, I ordered John Green’s Looking for Alaska. I did not like Twilight at all.”

    Male Customer: “Yeah, as if.”

    Female Customer: “”War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” George Orwell, 1984. That last line is something you ought to think about before opening your rude mouth!”

    Me: “She certainly knows her stuff.”

    (I hand her the book she ordered, making sure the male customer sees the cover. She pays and walks away, but turns back around before she leaves.)

    Female Customer: “So long, and thanks for all the fish!”

    Brace(let) Yourself For The New Generation

    | OH, USA | Family & Kids, One-Liners

    (My friends and I are running a babysitting service for Valentine’s Day. The kids we are watching range from two to nine years old. I’m sitting with the oldest kid, making bracelets with her.)

    9-Year-Old Girl: “Have you seen that YouTube video X-Box Girls Get Revenge?”

    (This video has a lot of cussing and sexual jokes.)

    Me: “Yes, I have. I think the real question here is why have you seen it?”

    9-Year-Old Girl: “What?”

    Me: “That stuff is aimed at high-school and college students, not third graders.”

    9-Year-Old Girl: “Well, third graders have changed.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah?”

    9-Year-Old Girl: “Yeah! We’re a lot more mature and independent!”

    Me: “Uh… huh.”

    9-Year-Old Girl: “Now, can you tie this bracelet for me, please?”

    The A(dobo) Team

    | Lompoc, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, One-Liners

    (I’m a chef at a Filipino restaurant. My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister, are also on duty with me. A customer in his late 20s comes in.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! How are you today?”

    Customer: “Hey, babe. Are you free tonight?”

    Me: “Do you have something you want to order?”

    (The customer gets angry.)

    Customer: “Look, I just asked you if you had any plans tonight! Yes or no?!”

    Me:“Sir, I have a boyfriend. If you don’t want to order anything, please leave.”

    Man: “Ha! What are you gonna do? Huh! Your little boyfriend ain’t gonna do anything to me!”

    Me: “Hannibal! B.A.! Face!”

    (My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister start walking towards the man.)

    Boyfriend: “B.A.? Will you please escort this man out of the premises?”

    (My friend walks towards the customer, cracking his knuckles. The customer runs out of the restaurant.)

    Boyfriend: “I love it when a plan comes together!”

    Sister: “Shut up…”

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