Category: One-Liners

Sometimes, it only takes a single line for a customer to show their true colors!

His Humor Is A Bit Rusty

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Awesome Customers, Health & Body, One-Liners

(A patient arrives at the reception desk with some paperwork.)

Patient: “So, what do I do with this?”

Me: “This is for some bloodwork. You need to take it to the lab, but you need to have been fasting. That means you can’t eat or drink anything but water for 12 hours before you get your blood drawn.”

Patient: “Oh, I never drink water. It makes me rust!”

(The patient then walks away like a robot going ‘squeak, squeak.’ Thank you, sir, for making me laugh! I’d had a crazy day and really needed it!)

A Trashy Pick Up Line

, | Canada | One-Liners, Rude & Risque

(I am in my teens, taking out the garbage. One of our regular customers, an elderly man who is a well-known jokester, comes up to me at the end of his meal. I’m switching out the trash bag.)

Elderly Man: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Taking out the trash.”

Elderly Man: “Well, I’m trash. Can you take me out?”

(I laugh into the garbage can.)

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t, but I’ll have to remember that one. It’s good!”

He’s Fully Armed

, | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Bizarre, One-Liners, Technology, Tourists/Travel

(I am watching the walk-through metal detector when two teenagers line up to walk through. The first walks through. It doesn’t alarm and he gets excited. Then the second boy walks through…)

Me: “Okay, walk through.”

(The teenager walks through timidly then stops and stares at me.)

Me: “You’re good to go.”

(He then looks at his arms in astonishment.)

Teenager: “Wow, I’m surprised these guns didn’t set it off!”

Giving Him A Good Dressing Down

| Chicago, IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body, One-Liners

(I am bartending. A nicely dressed couple in their 20s comes in and order drinks at the bar. They’ve been polite and quiet. The woman is on the heavier side, but still quite cute in her skirt. When the woman’s boyfriend goes to the restroom, a rowdy customer in a polo shirt, who has been obnoxious all night, approaches the bar.)

Rowdy Customer: “Hey! Hey! I need another gin and tonic! Hey!”

Me: “I’ll be right with you. Just let me fill this order.”

(As I’m filling the other order, I look up and see the rowdy customer eyeing the woman. He leans onto the bar while staring at her.)

Rowdy Customer: “Hey, you.”

(The woman ignores him, and turns slightly away.)

Rowdy Customer: “You know, a pig in a dress is still just a pig in a dress!”

(At this point, I’m speechless. I see the woman’s face turn from a smile into an extremely angry frown. Before I can say anything, the woman turns towards him.)

Woman: “Yeah, and you know, an a**hole in a polo is still just an a**hole in a polo!”

Rowdy Customer: “I… what?”

Me: “You can pay up and get out of here for harassing other customers. That’s what!”

Rowdy Customer: “This is bull-s***!”

(The rowdy customer leaves some money on the counter and storms out. I turn to the woman.)

Me: “Hey, that was the best thing I’ve heard all night! Can I get you and your boyfriend the next round?”

(She smiles and accepts, ordering a drink for herself and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend comes back after everything has quieted down.)

Me: “Here’s your free round. Really, that was a great come back! It made my day!”

Woman: “Thanks!”

Too Fast, Too Furious

| BC, Canada | One-Liners, Technology

(A customer calls into our store, and my coworker answers the phone. I’m listening to the conversation.)

Coworker: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a manual for my cordless phone. Do you sell them at your store?”

Coworker: “We don’t sell the manuals, unfortunately. You could probably find it online though.”

Customer: “That will be too much work. Just sell me one of yours!”

Coworker: “What’s the model number?”

(My coworker proceeds to look up the manual on a common internet search engine.)

Coworker: “If you want us to print out a copy of the manual for you, it will be five cents a page. You can pick it up in the store.”

Customer: “You don’t have the manual!”

Coworker: “I do, ma’am. I just found it online.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t. It didn’t take you long enough!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m looking right at it! Would you like us to print you off a copy?”

Customer: “You don’t have the manual! That was too fast! I can’t believe your lack of customer service!”

(The customer hangs up.)

Me: “What just happened?”

Coworker: “Stupid happened.”

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