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    Category: One-Liners

    Sometimes, it only takes a single line for a customer to show their true colors!

    I Know Better Than To Work Here

    | Blaine, MN, USA | One-Liners, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m shopping at the local [Largest Retailer in America] just after leaving work elsewhere. I’m not wearing any clothes that look anything like this company’s uniforms. I’m in the bottled water aisle, looking for a particular brand when this happens.)

    Customer: *asks something as though I were an employee*

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I don’t work here. I have no idea.”

    Customer: “Oh, sorry.”

    (I get a thought just as she’s about to head off…)

    Me: “Out of curiosity, what made you think I work here?”

    Customer: “You just looked like you knew what you were doing.”

    Me: *laughs* “I do, and that’s why I don’t work here.”

    Butchers Don’t Need To Be Butch

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Bigotry, Food & Drink, One-Liners

    (My wife is an apprentice butcher in a local store who also has an incredibly quick wit and this is the exchange I hear between she and an elderly male customer.)

    Customer: “Can I speak to the butcher, please?”

    Wife: “Yes, I am the butcher. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “No, I wanna speak to a butcher. You’re only a counter girl.”

    Wife: “I can assure you, sir. I am a butcher.”

    Customer: “Oh. I bet you are one of those women that don’t like men, either.”

    Wife: “Actually,  I love males. They go great cut up into steaks and marinated in BBQ sauce.”

    (The customer turned and rushed out of the store while the other customers burst out laughing.)

    Number-Crusher

    | Cornelius, OR, USA | At The Checkout, One-Liners, Rude & Risque

    (I am 19 and working at the register in the slowest and emptiest part of the store, so I tend to get a lot of creepy people with no one in sight to help me. A customer in his 50s comes up and I ring him up. As I finish the transaction…)

    Customer: “So, do you have a boyfriend?”

    Me: *laughs, thinking he’s going to be sweet* “No.”

    Customer: “Wanna go out some time?”

    Me: “Oh, thank you but no.”

    Customer: *gets annoyed* “Why not?”

    Me: “Um… you’re just a little bit too old for me.”

    Customer: “You know, age is just a number in your mind…”

    Me: “Yeah, but yours is a REALLY big number…”

    His Humor Is A Bit Rusty

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Awesome Customers, Health & Body, One-Liners

    (A patient arrives at the reception desk with some paperwork.)

    Patient: “So, what do I do with this?”

    Me: “This is for some bloodwork. You need to take it to the lab, but you need to have been fasting. That means you can’t eat or drink anything but water for 12 hours before you get your blood drawn.”

    Patient: “Oh, I never drink water. It makes me rust!”

    (The patient then walks away like a robot going ‘squeak, squeak.’ Thank you, sir, for making me laugh! I’d had a crazy day and really needed it!)

    A Trashy Pick Up Line

    , | Canada | One-Liners, Rude & Risque

    (I am in my teens, taking out the garbage. One of our regular customers, an elderly man who is a well-known jokester, comes up to me at the end of his meal. I’m switching out the trash bag.)

    Elderly Man: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Taking out the trash.”

    Elderly Man: “Well, I’m trash. Can you take me out?”

    (I laugh into the garbage can.)

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t, but I’ll have to remember that one. It’s good!”

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