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  • November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

    Category: One-Liners

    Sometimes, it only takes a single line for a customer to show their true colors!

    Also Forgot His Nuts

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, One-Liners

    (I go to the store to get bananas, and nothing else. I pay for the bananas, and start to walk away, forgetting them at the register.)

    Cashier: *holds bananas up and calls to me* “Hey! Your bananas!”

    Me: “That’s between me and my psychiatrist, thank you very much!”

    (We all have a good chuckle as I return for the bananas.)

    A Block Of Highland(er) Cheese

    | Canberra, ACT, Australia | Food & Drink, One-Liners

    (I’m on the register late at night when a coworker I vaguely know from another department comes through with his shopping. I scan his items and all is well until I try to scan a block of cut cheese from our deli. The register brings up a warning that it can’t be sold because it is past its use-by date.)

    Me: “Sorry; it’s out of date.”

    Coworker: “I don’t care.” *he holds his hand out*

    (I know that its just going to be thrown out if I waste it and so does he. He is the store butcher, so I look around to check no one is around and just hand him the cheese. I feel I have to be sure though.)

    Me: “You’re sure?”

    Coworker: “Yep.” *he hides his cheese* “Cheese is always good. Cheese is just milk’s attempt at being immortal.”

    A Real Crappy Photoshop Job

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Crazy Requests, One-Liners, Technology

    Customer: “Can you remove this person—” *indicates one child right in the middle of a family photo* “—from this photo? Oh, and be careful, there was a dog taking a fat s*** behind him. If you can see it, remove it, too.”

    I Know Better Than To Work Here

    | Blaine, MN, USA | One-Liners, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m shopping at the local [Largest Retailer in America] just after leaving work elsewhere. I’m not wearing any clothes that look anything like this company’s uniforms. I’m in the bottled water aisle, looking for a particular brand when this happens.)

    Customer: *asks something as though I were an employee*

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I don’t work here. I have no idea.”

    Customer: “Oh, sorry.”

    (I get a thought just as she’s about to head off…)

    Me: “Out of curiosity, what made you think I work here?”

    Customer: “You just looked like you knew what you were doing.”

    Me: *laughs* “I do, and that’s why I don’t work here.”

    Butchers Don’t Need To Be Butch

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Bigotry, Food & Drink, One-Liners

    (My wife is an apprentice butcher in a local store who also has an incredibly quick wit and this is the exchange I hear between she and an elderly male customer.)

    Customer: “Can I speak to the butcher, please?”

    Wife: “Yes, I am the butcher. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “No, I wanna speak to a butcher. You’re only a counter girl.”

    Wife: “I can assure you, sir. I am a butcher.”

    Customer: “Oh. I bet you are one of those women that don’t like men, either.”

    Wife: “Actually,  I love males. They go great cut up into steaks and marinated in BBQ sauce.”

    (The customer turned and rushed out of the store while the other customers burst out laughing.)

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