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    Category: Musical Mayhem

    Music Stores, Concerts, Orchestra’s, none are safe from the stupidity of our very wrong customers, examples such as those searching for live recordings of Beethoven himself, to others who believe listening to Taylor Swift means you’re musically talented.

    Hey Mr DJ, Put My Record On

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Musical Mayhem, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a DJ in a club. Although I do take requests, I play them where they will fit into the set so that it isn’t weird and everything flows together. On this particular night, it is kind of slow. I start a new set with some slower rap songs; there is a dance floor with 20 to 30 people on it.)

    Me: “Hey, what can I do for you?”

    Customer #1: “Can I hear You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC? Everyone loves that song, and everyone is going to dance. They will love it!”

    (The music currently playing is ‘Swimming Pools’ by Kendrick Lamar. It is 68 beats per minute, and hard rap. The song the customer is requesting is in the 130 bpm range.)

    Me: “Sure, I will play it as soon as I can.”

    Customer #1: “Can you play it next?”

    Me: “Probably not, but I try to get it in as soon as I can.”

    (She walks away. Approximately two songs go by; the customer returns.)

    Customer #1: “Well, are you going to play my song? Do you even REMEMBER WHAT SONG I TOLD YOU?!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, AC/DC’s You Shook Me. I have to think of the dance floor right now, but I will play it as soon as I can fit it in with other music.”

    Customer #1: *cheerfully* “THANKS!”

    (It should also be noted that I have her song, and the other songs that I am going to play with it, in the song-queue and ready to be played soon. I’m at around 120 bpms, but the dance floor is now around 40-50 people. I get rated by the owners of the Bar/Club by how well I am at getting—and keeping—a dance floor. I get either a nightly bonus or a raise based on the dance floor.)

    Customer #1: *startling me* “ARE YOU F****** STUPID! I SAID I WANT THE GOD D*** SONG PLAYED NOW, YOU C***!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m getting to it. It’s going to be played in the next five minutes. When I feel that I can reasonably put it in and keep the dance floor, I will play it. I will even buy you a drink for your wait. Okay?”

    Customer #1: “No! You’re going to play it now! I am a paying customer! I am f****** rich, so I don’t need your handouts!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.”

    Customer #1: “F*** you, and this place! You were never going to play it! And stop grinning like you’re so great! I make more money than God, and I could buy this place and fire your piece-of-s*** a**! How f****** hard is your job? PLAY MY DAMN SONG NOW, YOU SON OF A B****!”

    Me: “Firstly, I’m sorry you feel this way, and won’t wait patiently like everyone else. Secondly, God doesn’t make money, so therefore a child finding a penny on the street makes more money than God. Thirdly, my job is keeping a dance floor, it’s how I get paid, raises and bonuses. Fourthly, I was going to play your song, but now I’m not so sure.”

    (Suddenly, Customer #1 tries to punch me, and then smashes her glass and another customers drink on the floor and storms out. Then I see another customer, Customer #2, come walking inside followed by the very irate Customer #1. Customer #1 is visibly yelling, being held back by security as they try to haul her outside. I turn down the music. I do this, because everyone on the dance floor is watching her and no longer dancing. I turn it down so I and everyone else can hear the screaming better.)

    Customer #1: *to Customer #2* “How f****** dare you call me white trash! I’m so much better than you! I own the mall down the street! I work for the state finding people like you places in [trailer park] because you’re f****** poor!”

    Customer #2: *laughing hysterically* “No, you work down at the mall. You own the 5th trailer in [trailer park], on [street address], and your name is [Customer #1].”

    Customer #1: “I’LL F****** KILL YOU!”

    (Customer #1 pulls out a small blade. The security guard throws her to the ground. They take the knife away, and hold her there until the cops come. As they are arresting her, I stop all music to dead silence, and speak over the microphone.)

    Me: “To the woman getting arrested, here is your requested parting gift!”

    (I crank the chorus of ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ by AC/DC all the way up as she’s being hauled off. I can see her trying to break free and get to me while she mouths ‘YOU SON OF A B****!’. Everyone starts cheering.)

    It Only Goes Downhill From Here, Part 2

    | CA, USA | Musical Mayhem, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (The venue I am working is on top of a big hill. It has a driveway that leads to a small parking lot which is being used for the choir that is performing. An elderly customer and her daughter pull up.)

    Elderly Customer: “Hi, we’re here for the event.”

    Me: “Great, are you with the choir or a guest?”

    Daughter: “We’re guests, so can we just go up now?”

    Me: “Oh, the parking lot up there is being used for the choir that’s performing tonight. You’ll have to park down here. But if you don’t want to walk, there is a golf cart that can take you up there. He just went up, but he will be back down momentarily.”

    Elderly Customer: “BUT WE CAME TO SEE THE PERFORMANCE! WHY CAN’T WE PARK UP THERE IN THE PARKING LOT? I KNOW IT’S THERE! I’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE! YOU CAN’T TELL ME IT’S NOT THERE! IM OLD, AND CAN’T WALK UP THIS HILL!”

    Me: “Miss, the parking lot up there is being used for the choir that you will be seeing tonight. They all had to drive here so we let them use the parking lot. If you park down here on the road, the golf cart will take you right up to the event. If you were to park in that parking lot, you would have to walk up stairs. The cart will drop you off right at the event and you won’t have to walk up those stairs.”

    Daughter: “WHAT THE F*** DO YOU WANT? WE CAN PARK OUR OWN D*** SELVES!”

    (They drive up to the parking lot. I think I am done with them, and hoping they will get towed. After about five minutes, they come speeding back down the drive way, almost hitting a man and his wife who decided to walk up. They stop to yell at me, and the daughter throws a full, sealed, 32 oz. drink bottle at me. It hits me in the face, causing my nose to bleed. They speed off, never to be seen again.)

    Related:
    It Only Goes Downhill From Here

    No Benefit Can Come From This

    | USA | Money, Musical Mayhem

    (A very common occurrence at music/guitar stores, is people buying guitar strings for prison style tattoo guns. While not illegal, it is stupid, and can be dangerous.

    Customer: “Hey man, I need an F string.”

    Me: “E,A,D,G B,E… there isn’t such a thing as an F string.”

    Customer: “Oh, I need… uhm… the smallest one.”

    Me: “Is it for tattooing?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Man, it’s not illegal, but steel strings can contain residual nickel content from manufacturing. If the person you use it on is allergic to nickel—which is common—they will have a horrible reaction. Go to a smoke shop; they have needles there.”

    (The customer leaves for 20 minutes, and then comes back in.)

    Customer: “I need that string.”

    (I direct him to the counter where strings are sold. My coworker rings him up. He leaves again without the string. I speak to my coworker.)

    Me: “What happened?”

    Coworker: “The card the customer presented for the $0.85 transaction was declined.”

    (A few minutes pass. An angry young woman storms in.)

    Woman: “I demand to see the manager! My boyfriend used my state benefits card to try and buy a guitar string!”

    (I can guess what has happened. The state had to freeze her benefits card, since it was used to try and buy something other than food.)

    Woman: “You froze my card; how the f*** am I supposed to buy milk for my d*** baby?”

    Manager: “Ma’am, we don’t have the authority to freeze your card.”

    Woman: “My boyfriend used it here, and you declined him! Now my f****** card won’t work at all!”

    Manager: “Again, we can’t freeze your card. The state probably flagged it for misuse.”

    Woman: “I can’t even buy f****** gas to get home, because I need f****** milk for my d*** baby! How am I going to f****** get home?”

    Manager: “That’s not our responsibility, and I have to ask you to stop cursing in front of my other customers.”

    (The woman immediately turns demure.)

    Woman: “I’m sorry; I just can’t afford gas and milk.”

    Manager: “But the guitar string was a necessity?”

    Woman: “No, I guess not.”

    (She leaves. I almost wanted to feel sorry for her, but it was impossible, given her terrible attitude and misuse of the system.)

    Discounted Hell To Pay

    | SLC, Utah, USA | Money, Musical Mayhem, Religion, Top

    (I work for a company that sells musical equipment. I am taking a call from an older gentleman who tells me that he is a priest. He has been very nice for the duration of the call, and we are almost finished placing his order.)

    Priest: “Now, could you give me 15% off on this? You would be doing the Lord’s work if you could get me 15% off my order!”

    Me: “Well, I don’t think I have a 15% off coupon, right now. I’ll check and see.”

    (I put him on hold, and check my available coupons. There is only a 10% coupon. I return to the customer with this.)

    Me: “So, I couldn’t get you 15% off. I do have a 10% coupon, though!”

    Priest: “Child, do you what to go to Hell?!”

    (I am taken aback.)

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Priest: “Hell, Child. If you don’t give me 15% off my order, your soul will rot in Hell for all eternity!”

    Me: “I’m a red-head, sir; I don’t have to worry about that. Now, is there anything else I can add to your order today?”

    Kick Off Your Sunday Shoe Store

    | LA, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Musical Mayhem

    (I am out shopping with two of my cousins. They decide we need to look at shoes. The store is nearly empty and they have a local oldies station playing. ‘Footloose’ comes on as they’re browsing the shoes.)

    Me: “Ooh! Footloose! I love this song!”

    Cousin #1: “Just don’t—”

    (Before she can finish her sentence, I start dancing to the music. She and her sister hide their faces and walk off to look at shoes in another part of the store. The two employees, who had looked bored to tears, start laughing and clapping as I dance around the shoe fitting area. When the song ends, I plop down on one of the seats to catch my breath.)

    Cousin #2: “We can’t take you anywhere!”

    Employee #1: “Oh, she didn’t hurt anyone!”

    Employee #2: “In fact, she just made our day! Thank you!”

    Me: *grinning* “I work with the public, and I know the bad customers outweigh the good, so I figured I would brighten your day!”

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