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  • Using The Lord’s Name Doesn’t Deliver
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    Category: Musical Mayhem

    Music Stores, Concerts, Orchestra’s, none are safe from the stupidity of our very wrong customers, examples such as those searching for live recordings of Beethoven himself, to others who believe listening to Taylor Swift means you’re musically talented.

    No Benefit Can Come From This

    | USA | Money, Musical Mayhem

    (A very common occurrence at music/guitar stores, is people buying guitar strings for prison style tattoo guns. While not illegal, it is stupid, and can be dangerous.

    Customer: “Hey man, I need an F string.”

    Me: “E,A,D,G B,E… there isn’t such a thing as an F string.”

    Customer: “Oh, I need… uhm… the smallest one.”

    Me: “Is it for tattooing?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Man, it’s not illegal, but steel strings can contain residual nickel content from manufacturing. If the person you use it on is allergic to nickel—which is common—they will have a horrible reaction. Go to a smoke shop; they have needles there.”

    (The customer leaves for 20 minutes, and then comes back in.)

    Customer: “I need that string.”

    (I direct him to the counter where strings are sold. My coworker rings him up. He leaves again without the string. I speak to my coworker.)

    Me: “What happened?”

    Coworker: “The card the customer presented for the $0.85 transaction was declined.”

    (A few minutes pass. An angry young woman storms in.)

    Woman: “I demand to see the manager! My boyfriend used my state benefits card to try and buy a guitar string!”

    (I can guess what has happened. The state had to freeze her benefits card, since it was used to try and buy something other than food.)

    Woman: “You froze my card; how the f*** am I supposed to buy milk for my d*** baby?”

    Manager: “Ma’am, we don’t have the authority to freeze your card.”

    Woman: “My boyfriend used it here, and you declined him! Now my f****** card won’t work at all!”

    Manager: “Again, we can’t freeze your card. The state probably flagged it for misuse.”

    Woman: “I can’t even buy f****** gas to get home, because I need f****** milk for my d*** baby! How am I going to f****** get home?”

    Manager: “That’s not our responsibility, and I have to ask you to stop cursing in front of my other customers.”

    (The woman immediately turns demure.)

    Woman: “I’m sorry; I just can’t afford gas and milk.”

    Manager: “But the guitar string was a necessity?”

    Woman: “No, I guess not.”

    (She leaves. I almost wanted to feel sorry for her, but it was impossible, given her terrible attitude and misuse of the system.)

    Discounted Hell To Pay

    | SLC, Utah, USA | Money, Musical Mayhem, Religion, Top

    (I work for a company that sells musical equipment. I am taking a call from an older gentleman who tells me that he is a priest. He has been very nice for the duration of the call, and we are almost finished placing his order.)

    Priest: “Now, could you give me 15% off on this? You would be doing the Lord’s work if you could get me 15% off my order!”

    Me: “Well, I don’t think I have a 15% off coupon, right now. I’ll check and see.”

    (I put him on hold, and check my available coupons. There is only a 10% coupon. I return to the customer with this.)

    Me: “So, I couldn’t get you 15% off. I do have a 10% coupon, though!”

    Priest: “Child, do you what to go to Hell?!”

    (I am taken aback.)

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Priest: “Hell, Child. If you don’t give me 15% off my order, your soul will rot in Hell for all eternity!”

    Me: “I’m a red-head, sir; I don’t have to worry about that. Now, is there anything else I can add to your order today?”

    Kick Off Your Sunday Shoe Store

    | LA, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Musical Mayhem

    (I am out shopping with two of my cousins. They decide we need to look at shoes. The store is nearly empty and they have a local oldies station playing. ‘Footloose’ comes on as they’re browsing the shoes.)

    Me: “Ooh! Footloose! I love this song!”

    Cousin #1: “Just don’t—”

    (Before she can finish her sentence, I start dancing to the music. She and her sister hide their faces and walk off to look at shoes in another part of the store. The two employees, who had looked bored to tears, start laughing and clapping as I dance around the shoe fitting area. When the song ends, I plop down on one of the seats to catch my breath.)

    Cousin #2: “We can’t take you anywhere!”

    Employee #1: “Oh, she didn’t hurt anyone!”

    Employee #2: “In fact, she just made our day! Thank you!”

    Me: *grinning* “I work with the public, and I know the bad customers outweigh the good, so I figured I would brighten your day!”

    Start Thinking To A Different Tune

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Musical Mayhem, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m showing a customer our selection of mp3 players. He is looking for two things: small and cheap. I show him an mp3 player that costs only $9.99 and is about two inches long.)

    Customer: “I don’t know about this one; it might not be right for me.”

    Me: “Is it because it’s only two gigabytes? I know that kind of capacity is a little on the smaller side, but it can still hold more than enough songs to get you through the day.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not that. It’s just that there is no screen. I can’t see if a song that I don’t like is going to come up or not.”

    Me: “Well, if this mp3 player is for your own personal use, then chances are you’re only going to put on songs that you like, right? So, I don’t think the lack of a screen will be a big deal.”

    Customer: “Wow… that is very true, actually. You just totally blew my mind, dude. Whoa, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that!”

    It Doesn’t Matter If You’re Pokémon Black Or White

    | AZ, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Musical Mayhem

    (A customer dressed like Michael Jackson walks into the store. He is carrying a boom-box, and an armful of Pikachu dolls. There are even more spilling out of his outfit. He is wearing a GIGANTIC rainbow Afro wig. My colleagues and I call him ‘Michael Jackson Wannabe’ (MJW). He is receiving comments from other customers.)

    Other Customer: “Hey, Michael Jackson! It isn’t Halloween!”

    (MJW says nothing. Extremely loud disco music starts playing from his boom-box. He starts dancing and moon-walking, while carrying his massive collection of dolls. Although a skilled dancer, he is more than unsettling due to his attire and massive collection of stuffed animals.)

    Me: “Dude, quit. You’re freaking everyone out.”

    (I turn down the music.)

    Michael Jackson Wannabe: “LET THE MUSIC PLAY!”

    (He turns the music all the way up again, and starts throwing his dolls at me and my coworker. I dive for cover behind the counter while my coworker calls the police. MJW is now holding his boom-box and is dancing right in front of a clearly annoyed elderly customer.)

    Elderly Customer: “FALL!”

    (The elderly customer snatches the boom-box right out of MJW’s hands, and THROWS it at him. MJW is knocked off his feet from the weight of the boom-box. The elderly customer looks over at me.)

    Elderly Customer: “Do you think I took it a little too far?”

    Me: “…yeah.”

    (The police arrive, and take both MJW and the elderly customer away in handcuffs. The next day, the elderly customer comes back. He was jailed overnight for harming MJW. The police would have kept him longer, but they were sympathetic to the fact that he did stop a guy that was disturbing the peace.)

    Elderly Customer: “Do you get a lot of weirdoes in here?”

    Me: “Like that guy dressed like Michael Jackson? No not really. When we do, they’re like him, really loopy.”

    (Surprisingly, the elderly customer gave me a $100 bill. Even better: we now sell Pokémon dolls! Thanks MJW, for introducing a new product to the store, even though you destroyed half the shop doing so.)


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