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  • My Roommate Is My Pet Hate
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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Category: Musical Mayhem

    Music Stores, Concerts, Orchestra’s, none are safe from the stupidity of our very wrong customers, examples such as those searching for live recordings of Beethoven himself, to others who believe listening to Taylor Swift means you’re musically talented.

    Needs A System That’s The Cat’s Meow

    | USA | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem, Pets & Animals, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work for a company that sells audio equipment.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. May I help you with an order? ”

    Customer: “I need your system!”

    Me: “Well, we have a lot of great items in our product line, but you’ll have to be more specific. What system are you looking at today?”

    Customer: “The CD player! I had one but it broke and I need yours to play my special CDs!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t understand. What kind of special CDs do you want it to play?”

    Customer: “The ones I got for my cat. It’s special music to help felines relax.”

    Me: “So they’re regular CDs for your cat. Okay, I can help with that.”

    Customer: “I alternate back and forth, one CD of his music, then one of mine. It has to play both.”

    Me: “I can assure you that on the [Model Name] you’ll both be able to enjoy your favorite songs together.”

    Customer: “Oh, no. No, we can’t do that. He’s in kitty heaven now, but will it play his CDs?”

    Always The Same Old Song

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Money, Musical Mayhem

    (I am DJing an office Christmas party. A guy who had made tons of requests, most of which I’d played, approaches my workstation.)

    Guy: “Where’s my request?”

    Me: “I’ve been playing your requests where they fit.”

    Guy: “Well, play [Specific Song] next.”

    Me: “I’ll get it in soon, but I don’t think it’ll be next. I’ve got a lot of requests coming in, so I have to play them where they fit.”

    Guy: “Don’t worry about anyone else’s requests. I’m the boss. Just play my requests.”

    Me: “Oh, good. You’re the boss? Then where’s my cheque?”

    Guy: “What?”

    Me: “Well, since nobody’s bothered to come over and introduce themselves to me yet, I didn’t know who to come find to collect payment.”

    Guy: “So, just play my request whenever you can…”

    Waxing Lyrical On The Lyrics

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Awesome Customers, Language & Words, Musical Mayhem

    Elderly Customer: “I’m trying to learn this song. Do you have music for ‘Your Mind Is On Vacation And Your Mouth Is Workin’ Overtime’?”

    Me: “No, but now I want to learn it, too!”

    Elderly Customer: “No s***, right?!”

    Way South Of Average Intelligence

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Geography, Language & Words, Musical Mayhem

    (I am a light-skinned South African living in the United States. I occasionally get to perform my own music in a local hip-hop-oriented bar. I try to keep my lyrics clean of profanities, which is unusual for this audience.)

    Bar Patron #1: “It’s nice to hear some clean hip-hop here for a change.”

    Me: “Thanks. I just don’t see the need for me to swear, since most of my songs are about partying and that sort of light stuff.”

    Bar Patron #2: “Usually with the people who perform here, it’s ‘n-word this’, and ‘n-word that’.”

    Me: *laughing* “Can you imagine, a white South African using that word a whole bunch of times?”

    Bar Patron #2: “I know you could do that if you wanted to, since your country is run by African-Americans and all, but it’s nice that you don’t.”

    Me: “… Oh boy.”

    Mr. Tambourine Can

    | ON, Canada | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem

    (I work in a music store that sells musical instruments and sheet music. The phone rings.)

    Me: “[Music Store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. Do you have a ten-inch tambourine?”

    Me: “We might. Just a minute, I’ll go check.”

    (I come back to the phone holding the requested item.)

    Me: “Hello. Yes, we do have one in stock.”

    Caller: “So can you tell me how big it is?”

    Me: “Um… It’s ten inches.”

    (There’s a moment of silence, and then I realize that it’s a somewhat valid question as the caller may not know how tambourines are measured: diameter, circumference or radius… although the latter two would be pretty strange, I think. Still, I give him the benefit of the doubt and add:)

    Me: “… in diameter.”

    Caller: “So, is that like, the size of the lid on a paint can?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Is it a ten-inch paint can?”

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