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    Category: Musical Mayhem

    Music Stores, Concerts, Orchestra’s, none are safe from the stupidity of our very wrong customers, examples such as those searching for live recordings of Beethoven himself, to others who believe listening to Taylor Swift means you’re musically talented.

    The Big Bang Was Not A One-Time Event

    | Lawton, OK, USA | Musical Mayhem, Technology

    (At the store a customer left their phone behind. Per store policy, we can hold the phone for the customer, but we can’t answer it if it rings, in case the customer then tries to claim that we either broke or tampered with it.)

    Coworker: “You look stressed.”

    Me: “I am!”

    Coworker: “Why?”

    Me: “Because the phone has the ENTIRE theme to The Big Bang Theory as the ringtone. And it won’t… stop… ringing…”

    Formatting Error

    | IN, USA | Musical Mayhem, Technology

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to return a set of CDs. They don’t work.”

    Me: “Well, I can only offer you an exchange on a defective CD. Tell you what, let me take a look at it and we’ll figure out what’s wrong.”

    (The customer puts a box set of a very popular audiobook on the counter. I have a hard time believing every single CD in the set is defective.)

    Me: “So tell me; what happened when you tried to play the CDs?”

    Customer: “I bought the CDs so I could listen to them on my portable CD player while I jog, but every time I put a CD in and hit play, nothing happens. The CDs are obviously broken.”

    Me: “I don’t suppose you’d happen to have your CD player with you, do you?”

    (The customer pulls out the oldest-looking CD player I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s gigantic, has big chunky buttons, and practically screams ‘late 1990′s.’)

    Me: “Oh, that explains a lot. I think I see the problem. See here on the CD cases? It reads, “Mp3 on CD.” That means that the tracks on this CD are in .mp3 format, like what you’d play on an iPod. Your CD player was probably made before mp3s were around. That’s why you can’t play the CDs on this player.”

    (The customer looks terrified.)

    Customer: “I don’t understand you!”

    Me: “Well, it just means that your CD player is too old to recognize the format that the data on those CDs is in.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re saying! I’m no good with technical stuff!”

    Me: “Um… it’s just the form that the information on the CDs is in. It’s called an mp3. Your CD player came out before mp3s did, so it doesn’t know how to read the information.”

    Customer: “That’s not what it says on the box, though!”

    Me: “Yes it is. It says so right there in big letters: ‘Mp3 on CD.’”

    Customer: “It says ‘Mp3 OR CD!’”

    Me: That’s an ‘N.’ It says ‘on.’ It means that the information on those CDs is in mp3 format.”

    Customer: *squinting at the box* “Oh, really? Well, then, I’d like a refund, since I can’t play these CDs.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. It’s illegal to return opened CDs in this state. The only thing I can do is exchange it for the exact same item if it’s defective, which it isn’t.”

    Customer: “But how am I supposed to play these CDs?!”

    Me: “Do you have a computer?”

    Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t know how it works! I’m no good with technical stuff!”

    Me: “You could try ripping those CDs to your computer and playing them through iTunes or Windows Media Player.”

    (The customer stares at me as though I’d suddenly started speaking in tongues.)

    Me: “Sorry. I meant, you could put the CD into the disc drive of the computer and listen to it that way.”

    Customer: “I. DON’T. KNOW. WHAT. YOU’RE. SAYING.”

    Me: “Do you have anyone else at home who could help you use the computer?”

    Customer: “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE COMPUTER! I’M NO GOOD WITH TECHNICAL STUFF!”

    Me: “I just meant that maybe someone else could help you get the information off the CDs so you could listen to them. It’s the best solution, since you can’t return them.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, no! I’m no good with technical stuff! I don’t understand you at all! This is so confusing!”

    Me: “There’s really nothing else I can do for you, then. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: *sighs, scoops up her CDs, and walks to the door muttering* “I don’t understand computers at all. This is so confusing. I don’t understand!”

    Demanding And Stupid In The Same Breath

    | MA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Musical Mayhem, Top

    (We’re a bookstore, but we also sell some smaller toys from a popular company known for their hand-crafted products. I’m covering the register on a slow night. A customer I rang out a few minutes earlier who bought a $3 wooden kazoo comes storming back into the store. Another customer reaches the register at about the same time, but holds back when she sees how angry the other woman is.)

    Customer #1: “Why’d you tell my son he couldn’t return this kazoo? It’s defective!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. He just asked if he could get his money back, and I told him we couldn’t take it because it was opened already. It’s defective?”

    (I pick up the wooden kazoo that she’s slammed on the counter hold it near my mouth, and hum. It makes a kazoo noise.)

    Me: “Oh, maybe your son doesn’t know how it works. You have to hum into it, not blow like a whistle. Seems fine.”

    Customer #1: “What? I didn’t hear anything! It’s defective! I want my money back!”

    (I hold the kazoo near my lips again and hum louder. It makes a louder kazoo noise.)

    Me: “See? That’s what it’s supposed to do. You hum, and it makes that noise.”

    (I set it down in front of her, thinking the problem is solved.)

    Customer #1: “No way! I’m not taking that out of the store now! You’ve contaminated it with your breath! It has all your germs in it. Give me my money back!”

    Me: “Really?”

    (The woman tries to stare me down.)

    Me: “Ma’am, as I explained, you don’t blow into a kazoo. You hum. You can’t hum with your mouth open. None of my breath went into the kazoo.”

    (I demonstrate a humming noise without the kazoo, showing her my lips are firmly pressed closed.)

    Customer #1: “This is ridiculous! I’ve bought hundreds of things from here that were all defective, and I’ve never bothered to return them before. I just threw them away. Now, you won’t even take back this broken kazoo?”

    Me: “But, it’s not broken, remember? And I didn’t breathe in it, either. I’m not sure exactly what your complaint is at this point.”

    Customer #1: “That’s it! I want to talk to your store manager.”

    Me: “That would be me.”

    Customer #1: “Fine! Then I want to talk to a district manager! Is he here?”

    Me: “Yes. And he’s also me.”

    Customer #2: “This isn’t over. Not by a long shot! You haven’t heard the last of me!”

    (The woman snatches up her kazoo from the counter and runs out of the store. I turn to the other woman who’s been waiting patiently.)

    Me: “I’m sorry you had to be here for that uncomfortable situation.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, I don’t mind. That was pretty entertaining. I think you may have created a super-villain.”

    (Ten minutes later, one of my managers from another store location calls me, laughing.)

    Coworker: “Um, apparently, I’m supposed to fire you. Some crazy lady just called to tell me that you threw a kazoo at her?”

    The Son Of Mondegreen

    , | USA | Language & Words, Musical Mayhem

    (I am looking for new albums in a music store when I overhear a conversation.)

    Customer #1: *singing ‘The Monster,’ a song of Eminem ft. Rihanna* “I’m friends with the monster, the son of my bed.”

    Customer #2: “Your lyrics are wrong. It’s ‘that’s under my bed.’”

    Customer #1: “Seriously, how can a monster fit under a bed?”

    Customer #2: “‘The monster under the bed’ is an expression used by children and the song uses this expression to depict the artist’s struggles in overcoming his demons. And besides, how can a monster be a son of a bed?”

    Unharmonious Harmonica

    | CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Musical Mayhem

    (I work in a musical instrument store. On our counters we have small grab-and-go items, including mini harmonicas that some people purchase as pendants for jewelry but also work as an instrument. I have just rung up Customer #1 and am in the middle of ringing Customer #2 when Customer #1 takes one of the harmonicas and starts blowing through it.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir.Were you planning on purchasing that today?”

    Customer #1: “Of course not. I don’t play harmonica.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but now that you have used that one I have to ask you to buy it.”

    Customer #1: “That’s ridiculous. I was just testing it out.”

    Me: “I’m sorry but it’s for sanitary reasons. I cannot sell that now that you have used it. These are not a demo product.”

    Customer #1: “There’s no sign. Why shouldn’t I try it? I’m not buying that. I don’t need it.”

    Me: “Again, sir, I’m sorry, but now that you’ve put your mouth on it I can’t sell it to anyone else. Would you buy something that required you to put your mouth on it knowing someone else had as well?

    Customer #1: “I don’t have a problem with that.”

    Customer #2: “Well, I do. What if I bought that for my daughter and you had some kind of herpes or something?”

    Customer #1: “Whatever. I’m leaving and never coming back to this f****** store again. No one has ever told me before I couldn’t try them.”

    (Just before he walked away he threw the harmonica he had tried back in the bowl and shook it so I wouldn’t be able to tell which one he had his mouth on. I then had to damage out the whole lot.)

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