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    Team Cougar, Part 2

    | Memphis, TN, USA | Movies & TV

    (I work ticketing at a movie theater. A middle-aged woman and her daughter approach me.)

    Customer: “We’d like two tickets to…what are we going to see?”

    Daughter: “It’s Breaking Dawn.”

    Customer: “I’ve been calling it Sexy Vampires all day.”

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    Team Cougar

    Monkey See, Monkey Please Don’t Do That Again

    | Roswell, GA, USA | Movies & TV

    (I am working box office when a father and his 13 year old son come up to my window. We are located in the same mall area as our competitors.)

    Me: “Welcome to [theater], sir. How can I help you today?”

    (The father gets a huge grin on his face. He begins to scratch his head and make monkey noises.)

    Me: *speechless*

    Father: “The monkey movie!”

    Son: “Dad, it’s Planet of the Apes!”

    Me: *laughing* “Oh, you want [competition] down the street. We don’t have that here.

    Father: “You mean I have to do my routine again?”

    Son: *embarrassed* “No, dad!”

    Father: “But I practiced it all the way down here!”

    Son: *rolls eyes*

    Never Coming Backflow To This Place

    | Minden, NV, USA | Movies & TV, Top

    (I am cleaning the lobby in the theater when a female customer comes out of the restroom. She goes to use the drinking fountain. As with most businesses, the restrooms are located right next to the fountain.)

    Customer: *aghast* “This is disgusting!”

    Me: “Is there something wrong with the tap, ma’am? We do clean it often but I haven’t made it over there yet this round.”

    Customer: “No, it is lovely. You do a fine job. It was just horrible!”

    Me: “If there is nothing wrong, why was it horrible?”

    Customer: “Because when I was drinking the water, I heard a toilet flush in the restroom and it made the water pressure go down!”

    Me: “Well, yes. The plumbing is connected as they both draw from the–”

    Customer: “That water that I was drinking? A minute later, if I hadn’t come along, it would have been used to flush someone’s waste? That is so disgusting! I can’t believe it!”

    Me: “Well, would you rather the water pressure went up when you heard the flush?”

    (The customer takes a step back and looks confused. Suddenly, the implication of my statement reaches her nearly hysterical mind and she flees the building with a look of horror on her face.)

    He Is, If You’re A Belieber

    | Surrey, England, UK | Movies & TV

    (I work the concession stand in a movie theater.)

    Me: “Good afternoon! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Is Justin Bieber working today?”

    Me: *very confused* “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Is Justin Bieber working here today?”

    Me: “Justin Bieber has a record contract across the pond. Why would he work here?”

    Customer: “Guess not then.”

    (The customer and two friends leave. A couple of hours later, a lanky teenager with hair very much like Bieber’s comes down to the concessions stand.)

    Me: “Sorry, but do your friends call you Justin Bieber?”

    New employee: *exasperated* “Yes, why?”

    Me: “They were here not that long ago, but I didn’t realize they were talking about someone that looks like Justin Bieber.”

    Eyesight Only As Good As Hindsight, Part 2

    | Massachusetts, USA | Movies & TV

    (I’m a projectionist at a movie theater, so every once in a while, I have to deal with customer complaints. We have 3D movies that are extremely blurry if you don’t wear the glasses that we give you.)

    Old woman: “Excuse me, I would like a refund.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

    Old woman: *waving 3D glasses at me* “I don’t know how much extra I paid for these stupid things, but my movie wasn’t in 3D!”

    Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. Which movie did you go see?”

    Old woman: “I saw [movie only available in 3D] with my grandson and I didn’t have to use these things at all, not even once!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but since you sat through the whole movie, I can’t give you a refund. That movie is also extremely blurry if you don’t use the glasses we give you.”

    Old woman: “But I didn’t use them at all and it looked just fine–just not 3D!”

    (As she storms away angrily with a boy of about 5 in tow, she gets into her car and almost hits a young couple walking across the parking lot on her way out.)

    Related:
    Eyesight Only As Good As Hindsight

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