Customer: “Hi. Maybe you can help me. I saw a movie last night on TV. It was about those things that Oprah does? Do you know what it was?”

Me: “What happened in the movie?”

Customer: “Well, they read books, but only by this one person who writes books.”

Me: “Like a book club?”

Customer: “Yes! A book club! But the movie came from a book. What was the title?”

Me: “Was it The Jane Austin Book Club?”

Customer: “Yes! Would you have any books by Jane Austen?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

(I take her to our Jane Austen books. She is very excited and starts flipping through them.)

Customer: “Hey, wait! There’s no photo of her! I want to see what she looks like!”

Me: “I’m afraid there aren’t any photos of her.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “She lived two hundred years ago.”

Customer: “Oh! So do all of her books take place in her time?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “So…she didn’t write The Jane Austen Book Club?”

Customer: “Wow, I haven’t been to this theater since that movie Sex in the Time of Gonorrhea!”

Me: “Um, what?”

Customer: “Oops! I mean Love! Love in the Time of Gonorrhea“.

Customer’s Friend: “I think you mean Love in the Time of Cholera.”

Customer: “Isn’t that what I said?”

(A young woman, about 20 years old, comes up to the counter holding a copy of The Bible.)

Me: “Hi, did you find everything you needed today?”

Customer: “Yeah, hey, can you tell me what this is about?”

Me: “The Bible?”

Customer: “Yeah, what’s it about?”

Me: “The Bible has two parts, the Old Testament which is scriptures and the New Testament, which contains the story of Jesus’ life and works as told through the gospels, written by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.”

Customer: “Huh. Is it any good?”

Me: “It’s pretty popular.”

Customer: “Nah, I’ll just get this one instead.” *puts a copy of Twilight on the counter*

(A customer approaches the ticket drop, holding a half bottle of wine.)

Me: “You cannot bring that in here, ma’am. That is against the law.”

Customer: “What! I need to bring this in! I can’t just leave it in my car! There is a law about open containers being in cars in this state.”

Me: “How did you manage to bring it all the way here, then?”

Customer: “Oh, it wasn’t opened when I left. I drank it on the way here.”

Me: “So you had an open container and you were drinking on the way here in your car?”

Customer: “No! I hung the bottle out the window on the way here, and put my head out the window when I was drinking, so it doesn’t count!”

Me: “Okay, I’m going to call the police now. You wait here.”

Customer: “Okay! Is he going to hold this for me while I watch my movie?”

(At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket please?”

Customer: “The force is strong with this one.”

Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.”

Customer: “I challenge you to a light-saber battle!”

(Suddenly, the customer whips out two light-sabers from under his cloak.)

Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.”

Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!”

Me: “No, not today sir. Work I must.” *light laughter*

Customer: “But…but I have challenged you! I sense the force within you is strong!”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: *looks around* “Alright, just give me one.”

(He then proceeds to give me the green lightsaber and stands back in a fighting pose. I very weakly go to cross swords with him when my manager comes up behind me.)

Manager: “So we play games while we’re on the clock now, do we?”

(I turn to address my manager when literally, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, the patron stabs me in the stomach with the lightsaber, takes the one from my hand and runs out the back side door to the movie theater.)

Manager: “Well?”

(Literally defeated, I head back to work.)