(I’m working the box office on a particularly slow night. Part of my duty is to answer the phone and deal with customer inquiries. We are a theater that shows rather alternative movies.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [theater].”

Customer: “Oh, what a lovely young voice. Tell me, what is [movie] about?”

Me: “It’s about a victim of pedophilia and how she exacts revenge on her abuser. The next showing is at–”

Customer: “That’s nice. You have such a beautiful voice.”

Me: “Um, thanks.”

Customer: “Tell me. Do you like cats? I love cats. I have several. I just moved here and I can’t find any good vets.”

Me: “Yes. I like them.”

Customer: “We sound perfect for each other. I’ll see you tonight when I buy tickets from you…in person. You’ll recognize my voice. I’ll also be covered in cat fur. Good night!” *hangs up*

(I work ticketing at a movie theater. A middle-aged woman and her daughter approach me.)

Customer: “We’d like two tickets to…what are we going to see?”

Daughter: “It’s Breaking Dawn.”

Customer: “I’ve been calling it Sexy Vampires all day.”

Related:
Team Cougar

(I am working box office when a father and his 13 year old son come up to my window. We are located in the same mall area as our competitors.)

Me: “Welcome to [theater], sir. How can I help you today?”

(The father gets a huge grin on his face. He begins to scratch his head and make monkey noises.)

Me: *speechless*

Father: “The monkey movie!”

Son: “Dad, it’s Planet of the Apes!”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, you want [competition] down the street. We don’t have that here.

Father: “You mean I have to do my routine again?”

Son: *embarrassed* “No, dad!”

Father: “But I practiced it all the way down here!”

Son: *rolls eyes*

(I am cleaning the lobby in the theater when a female customer comes out of the restroom. She goes to use the drinking fountain. As with most businesses, the restrooms are located right next to the fountain.)

Customer: *aghast* “This is disgusting!”

Me: “Is there something wrong with the tap, ma’am? We do clean it often but I haven’t made it over there yet this round.”

Customer: “No, it is lovely. You do a fine job. It was just horrible!”

Me: “If there is nothing wrong, why was it horrible?”

Customer: “Because when I was drinking the water, I heard a toilet flush in the restroom and it made the water pressure go down!”

Me: “Well, yes. The plumbing is connected as they both draw from the–”

Customer: “That water that I was drinking? A minute later, if I hadn’t come along, it would have been used to flush someone’s waste? That is so disgusting! I can’t believe it!”

Me: “Well, would you rather the water pressure went up when you heard the flush?”

(The customer takes a step back and looks confused. Suddenly, the implication of my statement reaches her nearly hysterical mind and she flees the building with a look of horror on her face.)

(I work the concession stand in a movie theater.)

Me: “Good afternoon! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Is Justin Bieber working today?”

Me: *very confused* “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Is Justin Bieber working here today?”

Me: “Justin Bieber has a record contract across the pond. Why would he work here?”

Customer: “Guess not then.”

(The customer and two friends leave. A couple of hours later, a lanky teenager with hair very much like Bieber’s comes down to the concessions stand.)

Me: “Sorry, but do your friends call you Justin Bieber?”

New employee: *exasperated* “Yes, why?”

Me: “They were here not that long ago, but I didn’t realize they were talking about someone that looks like Justin Bieber.”

(I’m a projectionist at a movie theater, so every once in a while, I have to deal with customer complaints. We have 3D movies that are extremely blurry if you don’t wear the glasses that we give you.)

Old woman: “Excuse me, I would like a refund.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Old woman: *waving 3D glasses at me* “I don’t know how much extra I paid for these stupid things, but my movie wasn’t in 3D!”

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. Which movie did you go see?”

Old woman: “I saw [movie only available in 3D] with my grandson and I didn’t have to use these things at all, not even once!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but since you sat through the whole movie, I can’t give you a refund. That movie is also extremely blurry if you don’t use the glasses we give you.”

Old woman: “But I didn’t use them at all and it looked just fine–just not 3D!”

(As she storms away angrily with a boy of about 5 in tow, she gets into her car and almost hits a young couple walking across the parking lot on her way out.)

Related:
Eyesight Only As Good As Hindsight

Caller: “I notice on your website that you show [kid's movie] at midnight.”

Me: “Yes ma’am, that is correct.”

Caller: “Why would you do that? No little kid is going to see that movie at midnight!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have midnight showings for all movies, no matter the intended audience.”

Caller: “Well, how am I supposed to bring my kids to a midnight showing? This is a formal complaint and I would like to speak to your manager.”

Me: “Just one second, ma’am, I will send you to a manager.”

(I connect the caller with a manager.)

Caller: “How the h*** am I supposed to take my kids to see this movie if it only shows at midnight?”

Manager: “Ma’am, that is just the day before it is released. It will show many other days at normal times.”

Caller: “Well, why didn’t anybody ever tell me that?!”

(I’m working at the concession stand. A woman and her grandson walk up to my register.)

Customer: “One bag of M&Ms and a drink.”

Me: “Would you like plain, peanut, or peanut butter?”

Customer: “Plain! He can’t have peanuts, he’s very allergic.”

(The transaction continues as normal, and they purchase popcorn, which is commonly made with peanut oil at other theaters.)

Me: “Just so you know, our popcorn is made with coconut oil instead of peanut oil, so he can eat that.”

Customer: *stops dead in her tracks* “No! Coco-NUT! It’s a nut. He can’t eat it.”

(I can’t manage a response before she walks off with her grandson.)

Manager: *walks over, laughing* “Did that really just happen?”