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    Category: Money

    With All Douche Respect

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    (Note: I am working the express lane in a large department store. Note that we also have a bank branch located inside our store, although this is not where I work.)

    Customer #1: “Give me that ten back in a roll of quarters.”

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t have enough quarters, and even if I did, I’m not allowed to sell rolls of quarters.”

    Customer #1: “Are you kidding me? Is that from you, or your manager?”

    Cashier: “That’s store policy.”

    Customer #1: “That’s f***ing stupid. I’ve been a customer at this store for 27 god*** years and I’ve never had this problem!”

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I really can’t do that.”

    Customer #1: “Let me talk to your manager, then, because this is f***ing ridicu—”

    (Fed up, another customer who has been waiting behind Customer #1 interrupts him.)

    Customer #2: “Would you stop being such a colossal douche? She says she can’t, and she says it’s policy. It’s not going to change just because you yell at her. If you want to see a manager, go find one and leave her alone. Besides, there’s a BANK fifty feet away from you. Get out of this line! The rest of us have lives!”

    Customer #1: “Listen, lady… stop calling me a douche—”

    Customer #2: “THEN STOP BEING A DOUCHE!”

    Customer #1: *leaves*

    Customer #2: *to the cashier* “Sorry, people are douches!”

    Count On This Customer To Be Considerate For A Change

    , | Omaha, NE, USA | Math & Science, Money

    (A woman in her thirties comes in with her young daughter, and they order two meals to go. The total is just over $18 and she hands me a twenty.)

    Me: “Out of twenty?”

    Customer: “Oh! Oh! I have the change. Is that okay? Do you want the change? Is it okay if I give you the change? Will it mess you up? Will you have to re-ring it?”

    Me: “No, it’s fine. Thanks.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? It won’t mess up the till?”

    Me: “No. Actually, we have no way to enter in how much customers give us. We just have to use math to figure it out!”

    Customer: “Really? Oh my gosh. There’s really no way to figure it out?”

    Me: “Nothing but counting.” *I hand her the change* “There you go. That’ll be right out.”

    Customer: *in awe* “Wow!”

    Much A-Two About Nothing

    | Nanuet, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    (I work at a major pet retail store. A customer approaches the register, talking on her cell phone, and puts a dog toy on the counter.)

    Customer: “[Competitor] has this for $7.99 and you’re charging $9.99! It’s too expensive!”

    Me: “I can price match it for you, ma’am—”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t charge so much! It’s ridiculous!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s—”

    Customer: *to her friend on the phone* “It’s so expensive here!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s only two dollars.”

    Customer: *embarrassed* “I don’t have two dollars. I only have a credit card.”

    Me: “We take credit for any amount, ma’am.”

    (The customer swipes her card, takes her purchase, and rushes off, talking to her friend on the phone.)

    Customer: “Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! I just made a huge fuss and it was only two dollars!”

    Acting Odd Over Even

    | Canada | Math & Science, Money, Top

    (I’m cashing out a customer and her total comes to an even number, $14. The following exchange takes place.)

    Me: “That will be $14 please.”

    Customer: “How much?”

    Me: “$14, please.”

    Customer: “Ugh, no, how much EXACTLY do I owe?”

    Me: “Um, the total is $14 even, ma’am.”

    Customer: “No! I want to know the EXACT total, right to the penny! Stop rounding it up or down. I’m on a tight budget and I need to know the exact amount. I’d like to pay in exact change.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you misunderstood. Your exact total IS $14… an even, round $14.”

    Customer: “Look, get me your manager, please.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call her up.”

    (I call my manager on the intercom and she comes right up.)

    Manager: “Yes? What’s the problem?”

    Me: “Well, this lady here—”

    Customer: “NO! THIS lady here is trying to scam me out of money. She keeps rounding up my total so she can keep the change!”

    Manager: *to me* “Is this true?”

    Me: “No, her total is exactly $14. That’s what I told her. Here, look at my screen display…”

    (My manager looks, and sure enough the total is $14 even.)

    Manager: “Well, ma’am, I know it’s rare but it does happen that sometimes with the right combination of items we get a nice, even total like this one. But you do owe us $14. She isn’t rounding it up. Here, just look at the price display screen.”

    Customer: “BULLS***! This is ridiculous! No total is ever an even amount! I demand that you fix this immediately! Re-scan everything yourself! This little b**** rounded up my total!”

    Manager: “Okay, first, don’t insult my employees. Second, you are agitating my other customers with your language. There are young children close by. Third, I will gladly re-scan everything for you, and after I do, I expect you to pay the $14 that you owe us or leave my store with nothing.”

    Customer: “Just scan my s***. D*** son of a b****, I’ll use whatever language I want in the f***ing store. These kids hear worst language at home when their parents are f***ing!”

    (The manager voids the transaction and re-enters each item as he goes. He hands the customer a pen and paper and has her write down each amount as he goes. He then gives her a calculator to figure out the tax and they add it all up. It comes to exactly $14.)

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know what you did, but this still can’t be right. No amount at any store anywhere EVER comes to an exact amount. You guys are scammers!”

    (The customer pays and leaves. Unbelievably, the next customer in line had a total of $7.77. He saw it as a sign of good luck and tipped me a toonie!)

    For Every CD, Turn, Turn, Turn

    | Portsmouth, NH, USA | Money, Musical Mayhem, Top

    Customer: “Can I put some CDs on hold?”

    Me: “Sure, just pick out what you want and we can put them behind the counter.  However, we will only hold items for 24 hours.”

    Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll be back tomorrow morning.”

    (The customer then spends about an hour picking out approximately 20 CDs.)

    Customer: “Can you tell me how much they will be?”

    (I add up the prices using a calculator.)

    Me: “The total for the CDs is $280, but with sales tax it will be around $295.”

    Customer: “Okay, that’s fine.”

    Me: “They’ll be here behind the counter until tomorrow when we close. After that time, we’ll put them back.”

    (The customer does not come back the next day. I leave the CDs behind the counter for a few more days, just in case. About two weeks later, I’m eating my lunch in the back when a coworker interrupts me.)

    Coworker: “I’m sorry to bother you, but there’s a customer out here who says you put some CDs on hold for him. I can’t seem to find them and he’s getting really mad.”

    (I go up to the register and recognize the customer. His arms are crossed and he’s tapping his foot impatiently.)

    Customer: “Yes! You were the one! Where are my CDs?”

    Me: “Sir, I told you that we could only hold them for 24 hours. That was almost two weeks ago. I even waited a few extra days before putting them back.”

    Customer: “You didn’t tell me I only had 24 hours!”

    Me: “Yes, I’m sure that I did. I tell everybody.”

    Customer: “Do you know how long it took me to find those? Now I’m going to have to do it all over again and you’re going to help me since this is your fault!”

    (We spend about 45 minutes going around the store together. The whole time, he continues to yell at me and complain that he was never told about the 24 hour rule and I’ve made him waste his time. When he says he’s done, we bring the CDs up to the counter and I ring up everything while my coworker puts them in bags.)

    Me: “Okay, the total is $293.79.”

    Customer: “What?! How the h*** could it be that much?!”

    Me: “Well, you have about 20 CDs here. That’s why it is so much. I told you the price the last time you came in.”

    Customer: “You did not! Liar! LIAR!”

    Me: “Yes, I did. I added them up on a calculator. I told you that with sales tax the total amount would be around $295.”

    Customer: “YOU DID NOT!”

    Me: “Okay… fine, but regardless the total is $293.79.”

    Customer: “I want a discount for your lousy service!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there will be no discount.”

    Customer: “Well, I need these CDs immediately or else I’d just walk out, but be warned that I’m going to make a complaint about you!”

    (He gives me a credit card, which is declined. He gives me another credit card, which is also declined. He wants to write a check, but our store does not accept checks for purchases over $100.)

    Customer: “I don’t have much cash! What am I going to do? Can I just write you an IOU? I’ll be back tomorrow morning with the money.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that is not possible. My only suggestions would be to put some of the CDs back—”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “—or perhaps we can try to spread out the total amount over the credit cards, a check, and cash.”

    Customer: “Do that!”

    (We spend quite awhile trying smaller and smaller amounts on his credit cards, but they’re all declined. He only has $6 cash, which only leaves a check.)

    Customer: “You can take a check for the whole amount, can’t you?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry.  Even if I wanted to, the register won’t accept check amounts over $100.”

    Customer: “Just put the whole thing in as cash!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that either.”

    Customer: “How about YOU pay for them and I’ll pay you back? You OWE me at least that much!”

    Me: “That is not going happen, sir.”

    (He spends a few minutes pacing and mumbling that he needs the CDs and he doesn’t understand why I won’t work with him. Eventually, he dumps the CDs out of the bags and begins to go through them.)

    Customer: “I can’t choose! Just put them all on hold for me and I’ll be back tomorrow morning!”

    Me: “Okay, but you do understand that if you do not come back by close tomorrow, that the CDs will be put back, right?”

    Customer: “YES!”

    Me: “24 hours… tomorrow… right?”

    Customer: “YES! I’M NOT STUPID!”

    (He never came back.)

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