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    Category: Money

    Without Money, You’re Just Funny

    | South Dakota, USA | Money

    (I work at the customer service counter at a grocery chain. We sell tickets for the state lotteries. A disheveled-looking gentleman approaches the counter and buys a ticket.)

    Customer: “What’s the [lottery name] up to?”

    Me: “The current jackpot is [amount].”

    Customer: “That’d be kind of nice, you know. I’d be eccentric if I had that much money. Right now, I’m just weird!”

    No Need To Drive This Deal Home

    | Illinois, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Money, Top

    (I have just brought a middle-aged couple back from a test drive. We are going over the price of the car.)

    Me: “With your trade and money down, we’re looking at about $400 per month for the base model, and $440 per month fully-loaded.”

    Husband: “But we only wanted to spend $500 to $550 or more per month!”

    Me: “…Excuse me?”

    Wife: “Like he said, we’re looking to spend no more than $550.”

    Me: “Well, yes. Even if you get the fully loaded model, it’s far under $500 per month.”

    Husband: “NO! What part of ‘$500 per month’ don’t you understand?”

    Me: “Not a problem, sir. I definitely think we can make the numbers work for you at $500 per.”

    Wife: “Much better. We’ll take it, then!”

    Alls Well That Bookends Well

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Money, Top

    (A sharply-dressed man comes to the counter with a woman of his age and a 5-year-old kid walking near them.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Man: “Yes, can you tell the price of those books, please?”

    (He hands me a list, and I use it to calculate the total price of the books in question.)

    Me: “Okay, the total comes to $242.14.”

    Man: “Alright. Do you take debit cards?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Man: “Ten years ago, when I was a teen, we stole those books in your shop with my wife here as a student prank. Now that we both have a good job, we want to show my kid that you must fix your errors in life.”

    (I stayed speechless for a good minute before taking his payment. If there’s a “Customer of the Month” award, this family takes the cake!)

    The Oldest Chick In The Book

    | Deland, FL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Money

    Caller: “I don’t understand why I have a late fee on my account. I always pay on time.”

    Me: “Okay, I would be happy to look into that for you today. I see the late fee and I think I see the problem. However, I would like a brief minute to continue looking through your account to verify why you are receiving late fees. May I please place you on hold?”

    Caller: “Okay, then.”

    (I check her statements for the last 6 months and see that she missed two consecutive payments. She recently started paying only $5 a month.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding. I apologize for the wait. I think I see what happened. I see that we have been receiving your $5 payments by the due date. However, they do not cover your $127 minimum payment, so you are being charged late fees.”

    Caller: “But I’m making my payment on time.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, however the payment that we are receiving does not cover your minimum due.”

    Caller: “But you’re getting my payment before the due date.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but $5 does not cover your minimum due.”

    Caller: “Well, what is my minimum due?”

    Me: “Your minimum due on your last statement was $127.”

    Caller: “So that pays off my account. I’ll pay you $127 and you can’t charge me any more fees, right? That will pay off my account.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but $127 was the amount that you owed us for the month of January. You will still owe us another minimum payment by February 28th.”

    Caller: “Okay, so how many months do I have to pay to pay off my account?”

    Me: “Well, as stated on your last statement, you would have to pay the minimum due for 5 years on time each month to pay off your balance.”

    Caller: “Well, how much is that?”

    Me: “$6,200.”

    Caller: “So, how will it take me to pay off my balance if I pay $5 a month?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but since $5 does not cover your minimum payment and our late fees are $35, you would be unable to pay off your balance.”

    Caller: “Well, why would you do that? You just want everyone to give you $5 every month for the rest of their lives! Let me talk to your supervisor! You people can’t do that! It’s ILLEGAL!”

    Me: “Okay, may I please place you on a brief 1 to 2 minute hold while I get my supervisor on the line for you?”

    Caller: *whispering* “She’s getting a supervisor, but it’s going to take another 15 minutes.”

    Grumpy Old Man: *in the background* “I told you they wouldn’t fall for that you stupid woman. Just pay them their d*** money so we can order Chinese!”

    Caller: *click*

    Needlessly Needy

    | New York, NY, USA | Family & Kids, Money

    (I work for a private school which caters mostly to academically talented urban youth. Years ago, the school was not as diverse as the school is now; many of our students received substantial scholarships due to coming from low income households.)

    Me: “Good morning. What can I do for you today?”

    Parent: “I’m here to see the Director! You people have been overcharging me for years! *slams a thick folder on my desk* “These are all my statements and checks proving you’ve been cheating me!”

    Me: “Can you give me your name and the student’s name so I can look up your account, please?”

    (The parent gives me the information and I look up the account.)

    Me: “Ms. [parent's name], your son graduated in June 2002. That was almost 10 years ago.”

    Parent: “And? You took my money! I hear students are only charged $500 a year to go here, but I was charged thousands! THOUSANDS!”

    Me: “Please calm down. Let me explain: we have always given need-based scholarships to low income students, and—”

    Parent: “We are low income, but you charged me the full tuition anyway! I want my money back TODAY!”

    Me: “Ms. [parent's name], according to our notations your average total gross household income during your son’s tenure with us averaged around $170,000 a year.”

    Parent: “…AND?”

    Me: “Well, students who receive low tuitions through need-based and academic scholarships tend to come from extremely low income backgrounds. Off the top of my head, I believe some of the students who fall under need based-scholarships average gross household incomes of only $20,000 a year.”

    Parent: “You f***ing liar! Nobody makes so little money! I want to see the f***ing director, right f***ing now!”

    (She ended up seeing the director, who did not give her money back but offered her a lower tuition rate for when her youngest child is old enough to attend our school. When that day comes, I plan to work elsewhere.)


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