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    Category: Money

    A Taxing Conversation, Part 2

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Money, Top

    Wife: “Can we try filing separately?”

    Me: “You can, but it’s not usually the best idea. You’ll disqualify yourselves from some of the biggest credits. I’ll run it through both scenarios, and see what happens. Who should have the kids on their file?”

    Husband: “Put them on hers.”

    (I run the return both ways. It takes about fifteen or twenty minutes, since they each have multiple jobs.)

    Me: “Okay, taken jointly, you’re getting $[amount]. Separately you, sir, need to pay $[amount] and you, ma’am get $[amount] back.”

    Wife: “Hmm. Put the kids on his return.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (10 minutes later…)

    Me: “Now, he has to pay less, and you get back less. Jointly is still the better option.”

    Wife: “How about if he has one kid, and I have two kids?”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (Five minutes pass.)

    Me: “Jointly is still better.”

    Wife: “Okay, reverse it please. Him with two kids, and me with one.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (Five minutes pass.)

    Me: “Jointly is still better. But this other person you’ve talked about…”

    Husband: “Our niece?”

    Me: “Right, let me check some info out with you; she might qualify as another dependent.”

    (10 minutes of interviews, and calling for info later…)

    Me: “Yep. She qualifies as another dependent, and now you’re joint refund would look like—”

    (The program glitches in a funny way. I have never seen this before.)

    Me: “Hmm, let me call over the manager real quick.”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Me: “The file glitched. I’ve been running different scenarios for them, and the husband’s file is giving me weird data and won’t let me delete it.”

    Manager: “Can you restart a file with the wife as lead tax payer?”

    Me: “I can do that, but they haven’t decided if they’re going to file joint or separate. I was just trying to get the results of the latest scenario, when it glitched.”

    Manager: “Re-enter for the wife, and I’ll try to fix this file in case they want to file that way.”

    Me: “All right.”

    (Five minutes later…)

    Me: “Okay, your joint refund is now even higher.”

    Wife: “Can you try it separately, with me having three dependents, and my husband’s one?”

    Husband: *groans*

    (The next day…)

    Coworker: “Why is there a biohazard sticker on this return file?”

    Related:
    A Taxing Conversation

    More Than You Bargained For, Part 5

    | IN, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money

    Customer: “Just this DVD please.”

    Me: “Okay, that will be $5.35.”

    Customer: “No, I found this in the $3 DVD bin; it’s $3!”

    (There are two DVD bins, one for $5 DVDs, and one for $3 ones. All DVDs have a sticker clearly showing their price.)

    Me: “Well, sir, it could have been placed their by another customer, but it is still $5.”

    Customer: “That is bull-s***! I don’t care what another customer did! I found it in the $3 bin, and I want it for $3!”

    Me: “Sir, if you found a $3 DVD in that $5 bin, would you pay $5 for it?”

    Customer: “F*** no! That’s stupid! Why would you—” *light bulb goes on* “—well, this is still bull-s***!”

    Related:
    More Than You Bargained For, Part 4
    More Than You Bargained For, Part 3
    More Than You Bargained For, Part 2
    More Than You Bargained For

    In Need Of A Four-Letter Word

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Funny Names, Money

    Customer: “I forgot my account number; can you look it up?”

    Me: “Sure. Just tell me how to spell your last name.”

    Customer: *gives me a five-letter name*

    Me: “I’m sorry; it’s not working. Are you sure it’s spelled [spells out loud]?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s right.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; still nothing’s coming up. Are you certain you have an account here?”

    Customer: “Yes, I just made a deposit yesterday!”

    Me: “I’m sure it’s just something simple; perhaps I’ve spelled your name wrong. Can I see your ID?”

    (The customer hands me their ID, at which point I see that the last name is nine letters long.)

    Me: “You’ve only been giving me the first five letters of your last name.”

    Customer: “What, you need my whole name?”

    Slanged Up Gets You Banged Up

    | Norfolk, VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Money, Top

    (I work in a second-hand store. We are similar to a pawn store, but we don’t offer loans. It’s been a really hectic day, and my patience is starting to wear a little thin. A wannabe ‘thug-gangsta’ comes in, and throws a few PS3 games at me.)

    Thug: “I wanna pawn deez.”

    Me: “Sorry man, we don’t pawn. If you’d like to sell them, I’ll take a look for you.”

    (The thug nods, and I check the games for condition, and then look up the games for their value.)

    Me: “Alright man, given how these games have been marked down, you’re looking at about $27.”

    Thug: “H*** no! You know how much I paid for dem?!”

    Me: “Yeah, I’m a gamer. I understand what price the games were, but given how old these games are, they’re not worth as much now.”

    Thug: “F*** you! They ain’ worf nothin’!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to keep the language down, or take your things and leave.”

    Thug: “Who the f*** is you?! You can’t tell me what to do; matter of fact I got the ratchet in the car!”

    (Ratchet is slang for a gun. I decide to act stupid.)

    Me: “A Ratchet? What kind is it? Snap-On, Mac-Tools? What? Bring it in I’ll see if I can’t get you anything for it.”

    (The thug starts to get louder. A regular of mine walks in. He’s a cop, and off duty. He’s watching the thug with an arched eyebrow.)

    Thug: “No you fat mother-f*****. I got a gun in the car, and I will shoot you!”

    Me: “Sir, do you realize you’re threatening me in front of an off-duty police officer?”

    Thug: “Ain’t no mother-f****** police in here!”

    (I see the cop behind him pull out his wallet to show his badge, and I just smirk.)

    Me: “Turn around.”

    (The thug turns around, and sees the badge. He snatches his games off the table, and runs out of the door. The police officer gives me his cell phone number, telling me to call him if that thug comes back.)

    Blood Money

    | NY, USA | Health & Body, Money

    (A customer walks up to my teller window, and throws two rolls of pennies down. They are covered in wet blood. I try not to look disgusted.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry; I can’t accept that.”

    Customer: “Why not? It’s good American money.”

    Me: “I’m sure it is, but it’s covered in blood; I’m not going to touch that.”

    Customer: “It’s fine; it’s just my blood.”

    Me: “Excuse me while I get my manager.”

    (I happily escape to the back to try to settle my stomach while the manager talks to the man.)

    Manager: “Sir, we can’t accept these pennies like this.”

    Customer: “It’s perfectly good American money!”

    Manager: “Yes, but we can’t take it like this. If you like, I can give you new wrappers. You can re-roll the pennies, and then we can deposit them for you.”

    Customer: “F*** this country! My money isn’t good in a bank; it isn’t good anywhere!” *storms out*


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