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    Category: Money

    Trying To Run A Monkey Business

    | IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Hotels & Lodging, Money, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a hotel in a college town. It is quite common to require a two-night minimum purchase when booking a room for a special event weekend such as a football game, graduation, etc.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I was wondering if you had any rooms available for this coming Friday.”

    Me: “We do have a few rooms available; however it is a two-night minimum for both Friday and Saturday night.”

    Caller: “Okay, I have to ask you the same as the last hotel I called. What kind of dope-smoking monkey are you?”

    Me: “… Excuse me?”

    Caller: “What kind of dope-smoking monkey are you? Why would you even think that I would want a room for two nights if the football game is only one day?!”

    Me: “We require a two night minimum stay for all special event weekends, ma’am. It’s quite a common policy here.”

    Caller: “I don’t care what your policy says. It’s just stupid! You’re just insane!”

    Me: “… Okay.”

    Caller: “If your two night minimum is so common, then why did the 12 other hotels that I called that were sold-out not say anything about a two night minimum, then. Huh?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, if they are sold out that means they don’t have any more rooms to sell you at their property, so the two night minimum wouldn’t really matter for them because they don’t have anything.”

    Caller: “See! You said it doesn’t matter.”

    Me: “Our minimum is still in effect for the few remaining rooms we have.”

    Caller: “You’re just a brainless monkey!”

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Caller: “No. Goodbye!” *click*

    Me: “And here I thought I was just a desk monkey.”

    A Cash Flow Returns To The Source

    | Lenoir City, TN, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Language & Words, Money

    (I’m working the customer service desk and have a problem with a customer who keeps calling, in spite of being told the answer to his question several times. Frustrated, when he calls again I ask my coworker to answer. She puts him on speaker.)

    Coworker: “Customer service. How may I help you?”

    Caller: *slurring his words* “I need to return my fridge!”

    Coworker: “Okay.”

    Caller: “Yeah, and I paid $400 for it, and I found a used one for $200. I want my money back!”

    Coworker: “Okay. Do you have your receipt?”

    Caller: “No, but I have my credit card.”

    Coworker: “Okay. We can put it back on that.”

    Caller: “No! I want that in cash!”

    Coworker: “Sir, that’s impossible. You paid for it with a credit card, so you get the money back on your credit card.”

    Caller: “But I paid it off with CASH!”

    Coworker: “Even so. The money has to go back on the card.”

    Caller: “Well, f*** it, b****!”

    Coworker: “I’d rather not. I don’t think you’re my type.”

    (The caller swears again and hangs up.)

    Coworker: *to me* “See? With idiots, you have to be clever. It confuses them.”

    Making A Fare Point

    | Canada | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Money, Transportation

    (I’m riding a bus watching people get on. One of the passengers walks past the fare box without paying.)

    Driver: “Excuse me! Do you have your fare?”

    Passenger: “Yeah. Here.” *shows the driver a handful of change*

    Driver: “Okay.”

    Passenger: “Okay.” *starts walking away again without putting the fare into the box*

    Driver: “Excuse me! What about your fare?”

    Passenger: *annoyed* “I have it right here!” *shows the handful of change again*

    Driver: “The fare goes in the box!”

    Passenger: “But I have my fare!”

    Driver: “And it goes in the box!”

    Passenger: *puts the change into the box, grumbling* “But I have my fare…”

    Hoping To Bend The Law

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    Me: “Good morning. [Law Firm].”

    Caller: “I was wondering if [Lawyer] could give me some advice on getting alimony after my divorce.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. [Lawyer] does not offer free legal advice. Her hourly rate is [rate], and I can schedule you a meeting for [set price].”

    Caller: “I’m not really looking to pay. Can you give me advice?”

    Me: “I am not a lawyer, thus am not qualified to give legal advice. I would hate to steer you wrong.”

    Caller: “Well, what if I told you what I wanted to know, you asked [Lawyer], took notes, and then you called me back?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I will not do that.”

    Caller: “This is very poor customer service!” *hangs up*

    Just Crushed Her Saga

    , | USA | Money, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, ma’am. I do believe there’s a fraudulent charge on my account.”

    Me: “Oh, no! Let’s see what we can do. Which item is fraudulent?”

    Customer: “The $29.99 charge on January ninth.”

    (I scroll down to the charge and then I notice the woman’s account is completely over-run with $0.99 charges to Google. When people get customer debit card numbers, they often make small purchases so they customer won’t notice, but this is completely insane.)

    Me: *ignoring the Google charges for the time being* “Okay, I see the $29.99 charge. Do you want me to file a dispute on this item?”

    Customer: “Oh! Oh, now wait, honey. I know what it is. I forgot I ordered that purse from the TV.” *laughs* “Never mind. I didn’t mean to waste your time! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Wait, ma’am, hold on. I’m glad you figured out that charge was legitimate, but I do need to ask you… Um, are you aware there are multiple small transactions to Google on your account? I mean, they go all the way back for at least three months. I’m seeing so many I can’t count them all!”

    Customer: “Oh, honey, I know. My husband tells me I need to stop!”

    Me: “Stop, ma’am? Stop what?”

    Customer: “Oh, you know. Ain’t you ever felt so swag you just had to play Candy Crush at three am?”

    Me: *blink* “No, ma’am. Can’t say that I have.”

    Customer: “Oh, I just get so mad. I just gotta beat that level!”

    Me: *laughs* “Well, hey, we all gotta unwind somehow!”

    Customer: “How much I spent on Candy Crush anyhow? $50?”

    Me: *tallying it all up* “Um… it looks like approximately $767.87 in three months.”

    (There is a prolonged silence.)

    Customer: “HOW MUCH!?”

    Me: “$767.87, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh honey, don’t you tell my husband. He already mad at me as it is. Oh well! Thanks, baby, you have a great night!”

    (The customer had well over $15,000 in her regular checking account so I suppose she wasn’t missing it too badly!)

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