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    Category: Money

    We Can Either Do This The Long Way Or The Long Way

    | Albury, Australia | Money

    (A passenger hails my taxi outside a bar.)

    Me: “Good evening, sir. Where would you like to go?”

    Passenger: “Take me to [other bar, about a $10 fare], and make sure you go the shortest way! Don’t be taking the long way around to get more money!”

    Me: “Of course, I was going to go my usual way, which is the shortest and cheapest. Is that okay?”

    Passenger: “No! That’s the long way! Take me this way.”

    (The passenger proceeds to guide me on an angled course that adds at least 40% to the trip.)

    Passenger: “Now, that’s the way you go! I’ve got you taxi drivers all figured out. You always try to go that other way, but mine is better!”

    A Hold Has Been Placed On Your Intelligence

    | Worcester, MA, USA | Money

    (I am the manager at a gas station. I am smoking a cigarette outside soon after Christmas when a customer walks up to me.)

    Customer: “Are you the manager?”

    Me: “Um, yes, what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I came here the other night and your cashier said my gift card came back declined but I have the printout saying he charged me!”

    (I look at the printout, and it clearly says “pending”.

    Me: “Well, sir, if you look at the statement, it says pending. This means the money you tried to run your card for has been held and will take a few days to clear.”

    Customer: “Why did you charge me $25? She said it had been declined! When am I going to get my money back?!”

    Me: “You weren’t charged, sir. The money is on hold. It will take a few more days to clear out.”

    Customer: “I want my money back! You will give me my money!”

    Me: “I’m not giving you your money back because I never took it in the first place. Have you ever tried running a debit card at the pump?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “And you know how the bank puts a hold on your account for a certain amount of money?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, it’s exactly like that, except instead of the bank, it’s the gift card company.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not! It says here that I was charged at this location!”

    Me: “Sir, if you give it a few days you will get your money back after they release the hold. Trust me, I’ve seen this happen a lot before.”

    Customer: “Fine. But if I don’t get my money back, I’m coming back here!”

    Like Her Hearing, Her Cents Comes And Goes

    | Portland, OR, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    Customer: “Hey, I believe I was charged the wrong price for this item. Could you refund it to me?”

    Me: “Oh, of course, ma’am. Let me just see the receipt and I’d be happy to.”

    Customer: “Here it is.”

    (The customer hands me a receipt that is over three feet long and totals over $300.)

    Me: “All right, which did you believe you were over-charged on?”

    Customer: *points out three items*

    Me: “Ma’am, it seems that you were charged an extra two cents for these two items here. Do you really want me to refund you the two pennies?”

    Customer: “YES! And to be sure I want you to return and re-ring my purchase to make sure.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (20 minutes later, after re-ringing her entire purchase, I let her know that she’ll be getting two pennies back.)

    Customer: “What?! Why did you even do that if it was only two cents?! How stupid can you be?”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, I informed you that you’d only get the two pennies back before I did the transaction.”

    Customer: “No you didn’t! I can’t believe the incompetence of the people working here!”

    (She takes her bag and walks out of the store, yelling obscenities the whole way.)

    Quarter Of A Dollar, Quarter Of A Brain

    | Maryland, USA | Money

    Customer: *placing coin in front of me* “This is a dollar.”

    Me: “That’s a quarter.”

    Customer: “Right, a quarter dollar.”

    Me: “Yes, a quarter dollar.”

    Customer: “So which is it, a quarter or a dollar?”

    Me: “It’s a quarter.”

    Customer: “Then why does it say quarter dollar?”

    Me: “Because it’s a quarter of a dollar.”

    Customer: *uproarious laughter*

    Me: “I wasn’t kidding.”

    Customer: *leaves looking extremely disappointed*

    She Didn’t Marry Him For His Sense

    | London, UK | Money, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a law firm as an office manager and administrator. Our firm only deals with criminal law, personal injury and immigration. A scruffy-looking guy comes in one day.)

    Customer: “Hi, I wonder if you could help me. My wife is going to divorce me and I want custody of my kids.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t deal with family law here. Only criminal, personal injury, and immigration.”

    Customer: “Why won’t you help me?! My kids need to be with me; their mum is crazy!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we do not deal with family law here. I would be happy to refer you to another firm that can help you.”

    Customer: *shouting* “Oh, you are just discriminating against me! Get your manager for me right now!”

    Me: “Sir, I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Oh, hi there. I wondered if you could help me. My wife wants to divorce me.”

    Me: “I’ve already told you we can’t help you here.”

    Customer: “But look, I’ve got lots of money. I can pay you if that’s the problem!”

    (The man then picks up a bag he has, turns it upside down, and empties the whole bag full of pennies onto my desk.)

    Customer: “See, money. Now, help me.”

    Me: “Listen, you need to leave right now. Take your pennies and leave the building, or I’m going to call security.”

    Customer: “Aah!” *picks up a penny, throws it at me, and runs out, leaving all his pennies*

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