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    Category: Military

    Navy Seal’s Fate is Sealed

    | Toulon, France | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Military, Top

    (The restaurant is near a Navy base and thus, sometimes, sailors and officers off-duty come to eat. A man and his girlfriend come in. They haven’t reserved a table, were rude and snotty with my co-workers, complained a lot about the food and talked loudly and sometimes mocked the other customers. My manager decides that enough is enough when the man lit a cigarette after requesting his bill.)

    Manager: “Sir, you can’t smoke here.”

    Customer: “Yes I can.”

    Manager: “Sir, you’re in a smoke-free zone. Either go away or put out this cigarette.”

    (The customer gets up. He’s clearly taller and larger than the manager and glances at him.)

    Customer: “Buddy, listen. I’m a Navy’s lieutenant, so I’m not going to take crap from civvies. Just shut up and let me smoke.”

    (At this point, I decide to call the police when I notice another customer with his family getting up and going straight to the troublemaker.)

    Customer #2: “Did I hear you’re in the Navy?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so?”

    Customer #2: “You work at the base here?”

    Customer: “What? Get the f*** out, you d*** civvie!”

    Customer #2: “You know [name]?”

    Customer: “Who the f*** are you and what the f*** do you want?”

    Customer #2: “Do you know [name]?”

    Customer: “[name] is my superior!”

    Customer #2: “Well, I’m HIS superior, and as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll make sure he lights your a** up.”

    (The second customer pulls out a military ID and shows it to him. The troublemaking customer goes white, apologizes profusely to the manager and the customer, pays his bill and storms off with his girl WHILE SOBBING. Turns out the man showed him his military ID, and he’s a Navy’s rear-admiral. Needless to say, we gave a huge discount to the officer.)

    When Judgment Is Clouded

    | Scotland, UK | Crazy Requests, Military

    (We give weather forecast information for Royal Air Force aircrew officers for fast jet flying.)

    Caller: “Hi this is flying officer [name] with [squadron]. I need the weather for 5 hours time on the west coast.”

    Me: “So that’s the forecast pressure, wind and cloud cover?”

    Caller: “No, I don’t want the forecast conditions. I want the actual weather for 5 hours ahead.”

    Me: “I can only do actuals for what’s happened, but I can give my best forecast.”

    Caller: “No, that’s not good enough. I don’t want forecasts. I want to know what’s going to actually happen!”

    (Someone else takes the call.)

    Caller 2: “Hi this is [squadron] navigator. Sorry about that. Can I get the forecast conditions for him, please?”

    By Land, Air, And Crazy

    | Gloucester, UK | Military

    (Note: I’m an Air Cadet packing bags at a store in return for donations.)

    Customer: “So, what are you collecting for?”

    Me: “Air Cadets, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Army cadets, ‘ay?”

    Me: “No, ma’am…Air Cadets.”

    Customer: “I used to be an Army Cadet. I loved being on them big old boats.”

    Me: “I think you were a Sea Cadet.”

    Customer: “Well, anyway, I’ll always donate to the Army Cadets. Stop them d*** Air Cadets from ruling the sea!”

    Me: “But ma’am…we fly, not sail.”

    Customer: “No, that can’t be right! It was them d*** sea cadets that did that flying business. No, air cadets were the ones who were always crawling through mud.”

    Me: “But ma’am, I–”

    Customer: “Well, this should give you enough to buy a new sail. I don’t know why I donate so much, you know!” *hands me an old three pence piece*

    The Aircraft Carrier Kind of Gives It Away

    | Maryland, USA | Military

    (This was at a government office on a Navy base.)

    Me: “***Program Office, *** speaking. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Can I speak to the homeowner?”

    Me: “Sir, this is a naval base, not a residence.”

    Caller: “Are you sure?!”

    Military Intelligence, Part 3

    | Portsmouth, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Military, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in an English branch of a US coffee chain. Because we’re a naval town, US navy ships always stop here and the sailors come in for ‘a taste of home’…)

    Me: “Hello, what would you like?”

    Sailor 1: “One of your chocolate frappuccinos.”

    Me: “OK. What size do you want?”

    Sailor 1: “Erm… can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Yeah, go on then.”

    Sailor: “Are your frappuccinos made with ice, like they are back in the states?”

    Sailor 2: “Yeah, good point man!”

    Me: “Yes, yes they are made with ice.”

    Sailor 2: “Is that British ice or do you get it, like, flown over from the States so it tastes the same?”

    Me: “…”

    Sailor 1: “Dude! Yeah! Is it going to taste the same as it does at home?!”

    Me: “Why don’t you try it and let me know?”

    Sailors 1 & 2: “Yeahhh…”

    (Their ship was over for about a week and true to their word, they came back to inform me that their drinks did in fact taste the same as they did back home.)

    Related:
    Military Intelligence, Part 2
    Military Intelligence


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