Everyone needs basic math and science skills to survive. However, these customers were definitely sleeping their way through class!
(A customer brings in a steamer set.)
Customer: “This doesn’t work. It’s faulty.”
Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem with the item?”
Customer: “It doesn’t steam the food.”
Me: “Ok, I’m just going to have to test it, to confirm that it’s faulty.” *I ask my co-worker next to me* “How much water do I put in it?”
Customer: “You put water in it?”
(I am a lifeguard at my local water park, and we are required to scan pools with our eyes following our hand.)
Me: “Hi sir, can I help you find something?” *continues scanning*
Customer: “Yes, I have a question. Are you controlling the waves in this pool with your hand?”
(I am working in the garden shop. Note that we’re experiencing 60 mph winds.)
Customer: "You people really have a problem out here!"
Me: "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the issue?"
Customer: "You have trees blowing over all over the place!"
Me: "I do apologize. We have been trying to contain them, but mother nature is winning."
Customer: "Screw your mother nature! Just take them inside. It’s where they belong anyway!"
(An elderly customer we have would order a new credit card, like clockwork, every two weeks.)
Me: “Hello, ma’am. This is [credit card company]. We were reviewing your history with us and we noticed that you get a new one every two weeks.”
Caller: “Of course I do! They won’t work!”
Me: “What exactly is wrong with it ma’am?”
Caller: “The magnetic strip isn’t working!”
Me: “How can you tell this?”
Caller: “Well, when I put it on the fridge, it just falls off!”
Customer: “I need a book on cloning.”
Me: “Okay…would you like a book on the ethics of cloning, or maybe the history of it?”
Customer: “No, I need a how-to book on cloning animals.”
Me: “Um…cloning is a pretty complicated process. You’ll need several years of college education to be able to clone an animal.”
Customer: “No you don’t! That’s just what we’ve been told! I read about it, and you can do it with a turkey baster in your kitchen!”
Me: “I think you’re thinking of artificial insemination…”
Customer: “NO I’M NOT! I NEED TO CLONE MY DOG!”
Customer: “I have a boy dog, and I love him very much, but he’s a bad dog. I heard that girl dogs are much nicer, so I want to clone my dog and make a girl dog! STOP HIDING THE BOOKS FROM ME!!!”
Me: *points to back corner* “Our science section is that way. Go knock yourself out.”
Next Customer In Line: “How the h*** did you just keep your cool through that?”