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    Category: Math & Science

    Everyone needs basic math and science skills to survive. However, these customers were definitely sleeping their way through class!

    Stupidity Comes In Different Wavelengths

    | New England, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    (I am a lifeguard at my local water park, and we are required to scan pools with our eyes following our hand.)

    Customer: “Hello!”

    Me: “Hi sir, can I help you find something?” *continues scanning*

    Customer: “Yes, I have a question. Are you controlling the waves in this pool with your hand?”

    Indoor Trees Are An Absolute Debarkle

    | Saint Louis, MO, USA | Math & Science

    (I am working in the garden shop. Note that we’re experiencing 60 mph winds.)

    Customer: "You people really have a problem out here!"

    Me: "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the issue?"

    Customer: "You have trees blowing over all over the place!"

    Me: "I do apologize. We have been trying to contain them, but mother nature is winning."

    Customer: "Screw your mother nature! Just take them inside. It’s where they belong anyway!"

    Magnetic Lines Of Farce

    | Hagerstown, MD, USA | Math & Science

    (An elderly customer we have would order a new credit card, like clockwork, every two weeks.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. This is [credit card company]. We were reviewing your history with us and we noticed that you get a new one every two weeks.”

    Caller: “Of course I do! They won’t work!”

    Me: “What exactly is wrong with it ma’am?”

    Caller: “The magnetic strip isn’t working!”

    Me: “How can you tell this?”

    Caller: “Well, when I put it on the fridge, it just falls off!”

    Copycats…and Copy Dogs, Copy Sheep…

    | New York, USA | Crazy Requests, Math & Science, Pets & Animals

    Customer: “I need a book on cloning.”

    Me: “Okay…would you like a book on the ethics of cloning, or maybe the history of it?”

    Customer: “No, I need a how-to book on cloning animals.”

    Me: “Um…cloning is a pretty complicated process. You’ll need several years of college education to be able to clone an animal.”

    Customer: “No you don’t! That’s just what we’ve been told! I read about it, and you can do it with a turkey baster in your kitchen!”

    Me: “I think you’re thinking of artificial insemination…”

    Customer: “NO I’M NOT! I NEED TO CLONE MY DOG!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I have a boy dog, and I love him very much, but he’s a bad dog. I heard that girl dogs are much nicer, so I want to clone my dog and make a girl dog! STOP HIDING THE BOOKS FROM ME!!!”

    Me: *points to back corner* “Our science section is that way. Go knock yourself out.”

    Next Customer In Line: “How the h*** did you just keep your cool through that?”

    Hmm, I Think Someone Made A Phone Call

    | Delaware | Math & Science

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like… some pine.”

    Me: “Okay. What size do you need?”

    Customer: “Oh, just a regular board.”

    Me: “No problem. But lumber comes in different sizes. What size would you like?”

    Customer: “Just a regular size.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there really isn’t a ‘regular size.’ Did you want to check and find out what size you needed?”

    Customer: “No, I just need an average size piece of wood.”

    Me: “Maybe I could show you our lumber so you could see which one looks right?”

    Customer: “Look, I just want a piece of pine! Or uh… fir. Or spruce.”

    Me: “Maybe you’re looking for 2 inch thick lumber? Or is it just 1 inch, like shelving board?”

    Customer: “No, that’s too short.”

    Me: “That’s how thick the lumber is. The shortest we carry is 6 feet. What is the board being used for?”

    Customer: “Just get me whatever everyone else uses, I guess.”

    Me: “That’s the thing. People use all different sizes. Maybe if I had some idea of what it was for, I could try to guess what you need?”

    Customer: “Why are you making this so difficult?!”

    Me: Okay… could it be 8 feet long? Maybe a 2 x 4 x 8? We have pine, spruce, and fir lumber in that size. And you mentioned all three of those, right?”

    Customer: “What does all that mean?”

    Me: “If you’re getting this for someone else, maybe you should call them. We have a phone you could use right here on the desk.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe this. Just forget it!” *storms off*

    (The customer returns 15 minutes later.)

    Customer: “Can I have a piece of 2 x 4 x 8 spruce lumber?”


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