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    Category: Math & Science

    Everyone needs basic math and science skills to survive. However, these customers were definitely sleeping their way through class!

    Pan-bi-a-trans-homo-heterosexual

    | Minnesota, USA | Math & Science

    (I have been helping a customer find an apple tree he wants to give as a gift.)

    Me: “Just so you’re aware, if the person you’re buying this for doesn’t have another apple tree, or there isn’t one close by, this tree isn’t going to produce any fruit.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, apple trees only produce fruit through cross-pollination.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “Well, the simplest way for me to explain is: People are unable to reproduce with themselves, right?”

    Customer: “So, is this tree male or female?”

    Me: “Well, apple trees are asexual.”

    Customer: “So, it’s gay?!”

    Adventures In The Third Dimension, Part 2

    | Massachusetts, USA | Math & Science

    Customer: “Hi, I called earlier about getting a storage unit.”

    Me: “Okay. What size were you looking for?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. You told me on the phone.”

    Me: “Hmm, well, there are 4-5 people in this office who answer the phone at any time. I don’t think I spoke to you.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, it was…hmm. I don’t remember.”

    (I walk her outside the office into the parking lot show her a painted grid on the ground that illustrates the different sizes. I take a long time explaining the different sizes, and how much each costs. She has a price/size list in her hand the whole time. She looks very confused but finally seems to understand and decides she wants a 10’x10’ storage unit. We go back in the office so we can do the paperwork.)

    Customer: “Okay, so, 10’x10’ is the width?”

    Me: “Well, 10’x10’ means the space is ten feet wide and ten feet long.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “The grid you just looked at painted on the ground shows only the footprint of the storage unit.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “The illustration grid painted on the ground does not show the third dimension, which is height. The ceiling is about 8 feet high.”

    Customer: *blank stare* “So…I can stack things UP?” *she looks excited*

    Me: “Yes. You are not renting a two-dimensional space.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “You are not renting a parking space. You are going to be renting a three-dimensional storage space.”

    (I gesture with my hands to make the shape of a three dimensional box.)

    Customer: “This is so confusing!”

    Related:
    Adventures In The Third Dimension

    When Life Demands Too Much, Go Scientology

    | Naperville, IL, USA | Math & Science

    (I work in a store where we blend toppings in with the ice cream. The prices for addition “mix-ins” are posted in giant numbers.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a small cake batter with Oreos, Heath Bar, M&Ms, fudge, and peanut butter sauce!”

    Me: “Okay, coming up!”

    (At the register.)

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $x.xx”

    Customer: “What?! It says on your board that it is $3!”

    Me: “Yes, but you got additional toppings, which increase the price.”

    Customer: “Numbers aren’t real! Only scientologists believe in numbers! Why should I have to pay if I don’t believe in numbers?”

    Caldera Cravings

    | CA, USA | Math & Science, Tourists/Travel

    Tourist: “Have I seen everything there is to see here?”

    Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. What have you seen?”

    Tourist: “Everything on the way in. Have I seen it all?”

    (I point out several of the other options.)

    Tourist: “Can I drive through any of the caves?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry. They all have to be walked through.”

    Tourist: “That’s ridiculous! Is there at least an elevator?”

    Me: “Nope, just stairs.”

    Tourist: “Well, where’s the river of lava? I was here a few years ago, and I got to stand by the lava.”

    Me: “Ma’am, molten lava hasn’t been here for over 1,000 years.”

    Tourist: “Yes it has! I’ve seen it! You just haven’t been here long enough!”

    Talking Turkey Results In Mass Deviations

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    Customer: “I want a turkey, but I’m not sure how large.”

    Me: “Well, how many people are you having over?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. Maybe seven.”

    Me: “How about a ten to twelve pound turkey?”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s too small.”

    Me: “Well, then how about a twelve to fourteen pound turkey?”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s too big.”

    (We go back and forth like this for ten minutes or so until the customer decides on a fourteen pound turkey. The customer behind her asks for and gets an 18 pound turkey which has a $10 off sticker on it.)

    Customer: “How come that turkey’s $10 off? I want $10 off for my turkey.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s for turkeys that are at least sixteen pounds. Turkeys less than sixteen pounds are $5 off.”

    Customer: “I don’t want a turkey that’s that big. Don’t you have a sixteen pound turkey that’s only fourteen pounds?”

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