(I’m studying physics at a major university. I work at an ice cream store, and when we don’t have anything to do I usually do my reading for physics. A customer walks up to the counter to get a spoon, and then sees one of the diagrams in my physics book.)

Customer: “Oh, you’re reading a picture book. I’m glad you found something that you’re smart enough to read. What’s it about?”

Me: “String theory and theoretical quantum physics.”

Customer: *long pause*

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; should I use smaller words? Maybe I could draw you a picture?”

Customer: *quietly* “May I please have a spoon?”

(I work in a small outdoors store. Most of our customers are total gear-heads and know almost as much about the product as we do. A well-dressed man who looks to be in his sixties walks in, stansd in front of the cash register, and announces loudly that he needs a new coat as “the rain kept getting in” his old one. I proceed to speak to him for about an hour. Despite English appearing to be his first language, he doesn’t seem to understand the term ‘waterproof’.”

Me: “This is another good option over here, totally waterproof and seam-sealed. It’s from [brand]. I guarantee the rain won’t get in it.”

Customer: “So, the rain won’t get in this one?”

Me: “Not at all.”

Customer: “It won’t get in? Not even a little bit?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Even through the top?”

Me: “Well… not if you put the hood up.”

Customer: *nods curtly and smiles* “I see. So you’re sure the rain won’t go through this one?”

Me: “No, it’s waterproof. The rain won’t go through.”

Customer: “So…” *looks as if a light bulb just went off* “Does the rain touch the jacket at all?”

Coworker: *who has heard the whole exchange* “Sir, it’s a rain jacket, not a force field.”

Me: “Thanks for calling [company name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m calling because my bill is too high!”

Me: “Alright, I can pull up your account and see what could have caused the increase in—”

Customer: “It’s always been too high, and I think it’s this distribution charge.”

Me: “Ah, well that comes from the regulated electricity distributors, the ones that own and maintain the lines in the area. They send that information to us; we don’t have any control over that, unfortunately.”

Customer: “It’s a bulls*** charge! I don’t need no distribution!”

Me: “Well… the charge is for maintaining the electrical lines that transmit the electricity—”

Customer: “Transmitting the electricity?”

Me: “Yeah… you know, sending it out there.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? They don’t have to send it anywhere!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “When I turn on the lights, they just come on. I don’t have to wait for the electricity to get there, it’s already there.”

Me: “That’s not how electricity works, sir.”

Customer: “Of course it is! It turns on right away because the electricity is there. It doesn’t move!”

Me: “Sir… do you have a microwave?”

Customer: “Of course I do.”

Me: “And when you use your microwave, it works immediately, correct?”

Customer: “Right, because the electricity is already in there.”

Me: “So, why do you have to plug it in if the electricity is already there?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “If you unplug your microwave it doesn’t work anymore, right?”

Customer: “Well, yes! What does that have to do with—”

Me: “That’s because the electricity has to travel through the cable to get to the microwave to make it work.”

(He mutters as he’s grasping for something to argue.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: *click*

(I am working the circulation desk at the downtown public library. A patron walks to the desk with a few DVD’s in hand.)

Patron: “Hi! How many DVDs can I get?”

Me: “You can have up to 20 checked out at once.”

(The patron places his DVD’ on the counter.)

Patron: “So, here I have…”

(There is a bit of a pause as he is thinking.)

Me: “…3?”

Patron: “Yes! 3 DVD’s. And you said I could get…”

(Another pause.)

Me: “…20.”

Patron: “Okay, 20 total. That means I can still get…”

(A rather long pause, while the patron is clearly thinking very hard.)

Me: “…17 more.”

Patron: “Whoa! You’re really good with math!”

(I work in a hospital cafeteria as a cashier. We have different combos for our grill for stuff like burger and fries, or sandwich and soup. The examples are merely suggestions, and don’t vary in price depending on your combination. Two middle-aged women come up with their items.)

Me: “Hi, how are you all doing today?”

(Customers #1 and #2 don’t say anything.)

Me: “Okay, I see you have 2 grilled cheese, a soup, fries, and 2 drinks.”

(I hit the combo button twice to keep them moving.)

Customer #1: “Hey! What did you do there?”

Me: “…I put in your orders?”

Customer #1: “You put two combos, but I don’t have two combos!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you have two grill items and two side items.”

Customer #1: “I know what I have! I don’t have the soup, so it’s not a combo! You’re trying to make me pay more!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s actually cheaper if you—”

Customer #1: “It says right there,” *she reads slowly* “Sandwiches… and… soup… combo. It’s not a combo and you put it in as a combo!”

Customer #2: “Yeah! I saw you do it right here!”

Me: “Alright, I’m sorry about that.”

(I change it, making the total go from about $6 to $8.)

Customer #1: “That’s better!”

(We exchange money, and they both leave, when a doctor comes up next.)

Doctor: “Could you imagine if we made combos for healthcare? They’d go broke from taking care of a cold!”