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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 4

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “Hi, can I get a [sandwich]?”

    Me: “Sure, that’ll be [price].”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m the owner’s brother. I always get a discount.”

    Me: “You’re the owner’s brother?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “No, you’re not.”

    Customer: “How do you know, you f****** b****?”

    Me: “I’m an only child.”

    (I then point to a photo of myself on the wall, with the word ‘OWNER’ just below it.)

    Me: “Full price then?”

    Customer: “…yeah.”

    Related:
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 3
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 2
    Getting Owned By The Owner

    I Do Work Here, Does Not Work Here

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Liars & Scammers

    (It is Valentine’s Day, and I work at one of the more popular restaurants in the city. When I arrive to start my shift, there is a long line of couples coming out of the doors. I am clearly in my work uniform, and I approach the door to start my shift. The first customer in line throws his hand in front of me to block the door.)

    Customer #1: “Whoa, man, can you not see the line?”

    Me: “Excuse me? No, sorry, sir, I work here.”

    Customer #1: “Yeah, nice try. Back of the line.”

    Me: “Sir, I clearly work here, as you can see by my uniform and name tag. If you don’t mind, my shift starts in a few minutes and I’d rather not be late.”

    Customer #1′s Girlfriend: “Look, buddy, we’ve been waiting here for 30 minutes. No silly costume is gonna get you in ahead of me.”

    Customer #1: “Yeah, my girl deserves the best, so don’t think you’re gonna take it away from her on Valentine’s Day. So why don’t you just go and wait like the rest of us before I f*** you up!”

    Me: “Look, sir, I don’t understand why you don’t believe me, but I really do work here and I’m meant to be inside right now! Can you please just let me go to work?”

    (Customer #2, standing in line behind Customer #1, decides to chime in.)

    Customer #2: “Look, mate, he’s made it quite clear to you that he works here. Why don’t you just let him through?”

    (Note: Customer #1 is clearly a good few inches taller and more muscular than Customer #2.)

    Customer #1: “Excuse me? Did you really want to get involved?”

    Customer #2: “Uh, no! Sorry!” *to me* “Sorry, mate, I tried.”

    (At this point, I am already a good few minutes late, and my phone starts to ring.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Manager: “[Name], where the h*** are you? One of the busiest nights of the year and you choose to be late now?”

    Me: “I’m right outside. I have been for ten minutes, but this customer won’t let me through because he doesn’t believe I work here!”

    Manager: “What?! Hang on.”

    (My manager hangs up and comes outside to find me barricaded by the customers. He looks at me, but points at Customer #1 and his girlfriend.)

    Manager: “Is this them?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Manager: “Look, do you want to explain to me why you’ve made my best worker late?”

    Customer #1: “What? He doesn’t actually work here, does he?”

    Manager: “I don’t want to deal with this tonight. Take your girlfriend and leave. There’s no chance of you getting a table after all this. [Name], come inside and I’ll check the tapes later so I don’t have to mark you late.”

    (Customer #1 and his girlfriend are banned from the restaurant. Even better, Customer #2 ended up giving me a huge tip!)

    Related:
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 12
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 11
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 10
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 9
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 8
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 7
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 5

    The Difference Between Father And Son

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

    (A customer comes into my video game store with his teenage son in tow.)

    Customer: “Hi, I bought this game yesterday. The guy who was here said that if I changed my mind, I could come back and exchange it for another game.”

    (I notice the game has not only been opened but actually played.)

    Me: “Okay, but you played this game.”

    Customer: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “Well, usually exchanges are when the game hasn’t been played.”

    Customer: “Well, the guy yesterday didn’t say anything about that! I want to talk to the manager. He said I could just exchange it if we didn’t like it! I just want the other game.”

    Me: “Fine, just pick out the other game you wanted.”

    (The customer goes to shelf, pulls out the other game, and brings it back. I notice the game he’s returning is $15, while the other game is $20. I ring up the difference.)

    Me: “That will be $5.35, please.”

    Customer: “What? Why?”

    Me: “$5.35 is the difference plus tax between the two games. The game you bought yesterday is $15, while this game is $20. The difference is $5 plus tax.”

    Customer: “No! The guy yesterday didn’t say anything about paying MORE for exchanging the game!”

    (As the customer says this, his son looks down uncomfortably.)

    Me: “You can’t exchange a $15 item for a $20 item without paying the difference.”

    Customer: “I’m not paying extra! He said I could exchange this one for the other one! He didn’t say anything about paying more.”

    Me: “Sir, you can pay the $5 plus tax difference and take the new game, or you may keep the game you have already bought and played. Or, I can call mall security, and have you removed.”

    Customer: *hands over the cash and departs*

    Customer’s Son: “Sorry!”

    A Walk-In That Runs Out

    | NV, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I work as a secretary in my husband’s practice. We don’t take walk-ins, and it’s clearly stated on the front door, but people still try to see him without an appointment. One day, someone comes in while my husband is out having lunch.)

    Walk-In: “Hi, can I see Dr. [Name]?”

    (I already suspect something, since my husband would never schedule appointments during his lunch break.)

    Me: “What time is your appointment?”

    Walk-In: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we’re by appointment only.”

    Walk-In: “That’s okay; I’m his brother. He’s expecting me.”

    Me: “Really? He didn’t tell me anything of the sort.”

    Walk-In: “Well, you’re just a silly secretary. You don’t need to know that sort of thing. Can I go see him now?”

    Me: “You said you’re his brother?”

    Walk-In: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, that’s funny. You don’t look the least bit like him.”

    Walk-In: “Everyone says that.”

    Me: “Really?”

    Walk-In: “Look, b****, I don’t have time for this. Just—”

    (At this point, my husband has returned from lunch and has just heard the walk-in’s slur.)

    My Husband: “Excuse me! Don’t speak to her that way.”

    (The walk-in turns around and looks my husband square in the face.)

    Walk-In: “Hey, mind your own business, moron. This doesn’t concern you, so butt out.”

    Me: “Actually, it does concern him. That’s the doctor.”

    (The walk-in goes white in the face. My husband crosses his arms.)

    My Husband: “And moreover, that’s my wife you’ve just insulted.”

    Me: *sweetly* “How did you say you were related, again?”

    Taking Account Of Your Actions

    | Newcastle, NSW, Australia | Liars & Scammers, Money, Top

    (I work in telephone banking for a major bank. In our system, we can see all of the customer’s call history, from wait time, last 20 calls, who the customer spoke to, and any notes left by previous bankers.)

    Me: “Hello and welcome to [Bank]; my name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Oh, thank f*** for that! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting? 35 f****** minutes! And all I wanted to do was check my balance on my credit card!”

    (I can clearly see the customer has waited a total of 25 seconds from the start of his call to speak to me.)

    Me: “I’m so sorry about any wait there, but you have come through fully identified, so thank you for putting in your customer number and access code. Now before I can—”

    Customer: “Now you just f****** wait a minute. I’ve been waiting 35 minutes to speak to you, and you aren’t even going to apologize for making me wait? What kind of f****** s*** customer service are you lot running there? Huh?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I did apologize for the wait that you experienced and I—”

    Customer: “Get your f****** manager now! I don’t have to deal with this! I demand compensation for my time and phone charges! Get your manager!”

    (I put the customer on hold and signal for a manager to take an escalated call. While I wait for my manager to arrive, I look at the customer history. I see that the customer has been with us for five years. He seems to call twice a year, and almost always demands to speak to a manager, repeatedly demanding compensation. He has been told by our relations department that they will not compensate him further because he has been given close to $2000 in refunded interest on his credit card over the five years. There is a special note from the head of the relations department simply saying ‘if customer threatens to close accounts, process request. Do not attempt win-back.’ I recap the call so far to my manager, and advise him about the notes from the relations department as well. Total wait for the caller has now been two minutes.)

    Manager: “Hello, sir, my name is [Name] and I’m a manager. How can I help?”

    Customer: “Well, hasn’t that taken you a f****** lifetime to answer?! I’m sick of this s***! I demand that I have interest repaid to my credit card or I’ll close all my accounts!”

    Manager: “Sir, I’m not going to be able to repay the interest for you, as you’ve already had close to $2000 refunded to you over the past—”

    Customer: “Well, then close my accounts! Close them now! If you can’t fulfill a simple request like that, f*** you and [Bank]! I’ll take my business elsewhere.”

    Manager: “Sir, just so I have it clear: you are formally requesting for me to close out your accounts with [Bank] right now?”

    Customer: “That’s what I f***** said; you people just—”

    Manager: “Okay, sir, as requested all your accounts are now closed. The amount you had owing on your credit card has been automatically paid from your everyday account, leaving you a balance of $52.16, which I’ll post out to you as a check. I’m sorry you’ve chosen to leave [Bank], but I hope you have a wonderful day.”

    Customer: “YOU CLOSED MY ACCOUNTS?! BUT I—”

    Manager: “You requested for them to be close on a recorded phone call where you were asked to confirm your wishes. You aren’t scamming anymore FREE money from [Bank].”

    Customer: “I…”

    Manager: “Hello?”

    Customer: *defeated* “I… err… I’ll… I’ll wait for my check.” *click*


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