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  • September Theme Of The Month: Overheard!

    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Underwear Unaware

    | PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

    (My place of work is fairly well known in my town and the surrounding area. My boss’s wife occasionally works in the shop.)

    Customer: “Oh, you know, I’m great friends with [Boss]. We go way back.”

    Boss’s Wife: “Oh, really? That’s funny, because I’ve been washing his underwear for ten years and I have absolutely no idea who you are!”

    Ruined By Ink

    | VA, USA | Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “So, you have to buy ink within 90 days to get credit for recycled cartridges? That’s not fair.”

    Me: “Yes. It didn’t used to be like that, but some people were buying cheap cartridges online and expired ones and recycling those to try and cheat the system, and the company was losing a lot of money, so they had to add that rule. Some people ruined it for everybody, haha.”

    Customer: “Oh, I did that! Ha, I’d buy generic ones off… ”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “You were buying cheap cartridges online and expired ones and recycling those to try and cheat the system, so they had to add that rule. You helped ruin it for everybody.”

    Customer: “Oh. Huh…”

    Trying To Con The Family Business

    | Exeter, England, UK | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

    (I take a male customer’s order with him constantly asking about prices.)

    Customer: “Oh, can we have the family discount?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I always get a discount here. The owner lets me.”

    Me: “He hasn’t told me anything…”

    Customer: “Yeah, the owner is my brother and he always gives me the family discount.”

    Me: “Okay, then… let me just ask him.”

    (I signal the owner over as the customer panics and goes bright red. His family also start nudging him.)

    Me: “Uh, your brother wants a discount.”

    (The customer sheepishly smiles as the owner explodes in happiness.)

    Owner: “Oh, my God, Jenny! I didn’t know you’d had a sex change. If you wanted to do that you could have at least kept your hair. Also you’ve put on a h*** of a lot of weight and lost over a foot in height! Why would you do that?”

    (The whole restaurant was looking and the customer’s family rushed him out quicker than the owner could continue talking. Some bosses are awesome.)

    Going To Get Charged With Nine Months

    | CT, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in this small grocery store and we don’t get many customers until one day…)

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, could you help me with my stuff.”

    (The lady has a large stomach.)

    Me: “Sure, ma’am.”

    (I help her, but she slips a bit and I see a watermelon sticking out a bit from her shirt.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to remove the watermelon from your shirt.”

    Customer: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DISRESPECTFUL B****?! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M PREGNANT?!”

    Me: “I can see it slipping from your shirt…”

    (At this point the customer started running away, but fell over herself. The watermelon splattered everywhere and she kept screaming MY BABY! MY POOR BABY! but realized it was useless and she was caught. That really made my day.)

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    Trying To Get In Bed With The Church

    | Roseau, MN, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Religion

    (I am working the front desk at one of the local hotels in town when a car with the ODDEST paint job I’d ever seen pulls into our parking lot. A man gets out and walks to the desk, asking about a room.)

    Me: “Absolutely, sir. What kind of room were you looking for?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, I’m in town selling hand-carved furniture and have hit upon some medical problems. I was told that the local church could assist me with renting a room for the evening.

    (I smile knowingly and nod.)

    Me: “Sure. Can you tell me which church will be assisting you?”

    Customer: “Oh! It’s the Baptist church. I’m a good Southern Baptist.”

    (I nod again, both amused and annoyed: annoyed because I am now almost certain that this fellow is lying to me; amused because there is only ONE Baptist church in town and my father is the pastor of it at this time.)

    Me: “Would you excuse me a moment?”

    (He nods and I fetch my manager who is also part-owner of the hotel. I relay the situation, beginning with, “I think this guy is trying to con us, but I need to call my dad to be sure.” Owner/manager steps out of his office and begins speaking to our potential guest while I dial my cell phone in the back.)

    Church Secretary: “First Baptist Church. This is [Church Secretary]. How can I help you?”

    Me: “Hi, [Church Secretary]. It’s [My Name]. Is my dad around?”

    Church Secretary: “I’m sorry, he’s not.”

    Me: “Shoot. You don’t happen to know if he authorized any assistance to help someone with a hotel stay, do you?”

    Church Secretary: “Sorry. I don’t. I’ll tell him you called if I see him.”

    Me: “Thanks.”

    (I hang up and head back to the desk to find both my boss and the guy have moved outside and are talking. I try Dad’s cell, but it goes to voicemail and I know I’m running out of time. I leave a message, praying that Dad will call back. Both men eventually amble back into the lobby, me exchanging glances with my boss so that he knows that thus far I’ve come up empty. He nods his understanding and talks to the potential guest a bit longer, but eventually has other tasks that must be handled and I’m left alone with our ‘friend.’)

    Customer: “So, did you get everything straightened out with my room?”

    Me: “Not yet. I called the church, but didn’t get any answers so I’m waiting for a call-back. I’m so sorry about your wait.”

    Customer: “It’s all right.”

    (He ambles about the lobby, occasionally stepping out to his outrageously painted vehicle, and I try to get some work done while waiting for my father to return my call. Finally my cell phone rings.)

    Me: “Hi.”

    Dad: “Hey. What’s up?”

    (I explain the situation and ask if he’d authorized a hotel stay. He assures me that he hasn’t — that he couldn’t, in fact.)

    Me: “That’s what I thought. What about the ministerial association?”

    Dad: “Well, if he wanted aid from ANY of the local churches, he’d have to go to the Sheriff’s office.”

    Me: “What?”

    Dad: “In order to protect ourselves from con-men, the local churches all put their charitable funds into a pool. I’m the treasurer, but the Sheriff’s office is the one that gives out the money.”

    Me: “You’re kidding.”

    Dad: “Nope. Cops are used to seeing through lies. Lets us pastors continue to think the best of people and try to help them.”

    Me: “Genius, Dad. Thanks.”

    Dad: “Anytime.”

    (I hang up and walk back to the front desk, explaining to the man that I was informed that he could most certainly get assistance, however he would need to go pick up the check from the Sheriff’s office. He was, understandably, reluctant to do so.)

    Customer: “I was told that I could check in and the Baptist church would take care of it.”

    Me: “You were misinformed. I just spoke to my father, who happens to be the pastor of the only Baptist church in town. He says that all local charity funds are handled by the Sheriff’s office. I can give you directions if you’d like?”

    (The man shakes his head, mumbling something about not wanting to get the police involved, hops into his forest green Crown Victoria with red-orange, yellow, and white chevrons painted all over it (seriously HIDEOUS car) and drives away. I inform my boss that I was correct about him being a con man, then call the other two hotels in town to warn them about a potential guest that might be headed their way. An hour or so later, my cell phone rings again.)

    Me: “Hi, Dad. What’s up?”

    Dad: “Your con artist. Was he an older black man driving a forest green Crown Vic with red and yellow lines on it?”

    Me: “…yeah. How did you know?”

    Dad: “He just tried the same stunt over at the [Other Motel]. They called me.”

    Me: *laughs* “Oops! I forgot about that motel. I called the other two and warned them.”

    Dad: “Well, I told them he’d already tried the same thing with you. They called the police. Either he’ll spend the night in jail or he’ll be out of the county very quickly.”

    Me: “Yep. Thanks for sharing, Dad. I gotta get back to work.”

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