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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Not Being A Pawn In His Game

    | Halifax, NS, Canada | Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (A customer with a thick accent comes in and places a cell-phone on the counter, which immediately begins leaking water.)

    Customer: “I want new phone.”

    Me: “Oh?”

    Customer: “This one not working.”

    Me: “Why is it wet?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “You don’t know?”

    Customer: “May have been dropped in toilet.”

    Me: “The warranty doesn’t cover water damage.”

    Customer: “I want new phone. This one not working.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t replace your phone. If you look at the warranty details we gave you when you bought it, you’ll see that.”

    Customer: “I have large friend. Knows kickboxing!”

    Me: “Are you threatening me?”

    Customer: “No, no! I no threaten!”

    Me: “Well, I have a friend who plays chess. I don’t see how either is relevant to the conversation.”

    (The customer grabs his phone and storms out.)

    Mother, Daughter, Lawyer, Cry

    | Sweden | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

    (I’ve been told I am extremely scary looking, but I am very kind, especially towards children. My girlfriend has a habit of teasing me for looking so scary. A small child enters the store with her mother. I notice the girl holding a teddy bear and don’t comment on it. My girlfriend is the cashier.)

    Mother: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Yeah? Can I help you?”

    Mother: “How dare you!”

    Me: “… Pardon?”

    Mother: “How dare you treat me like a lesser being?!”

    Me: “I literally said ‘can I help you.’ I work here. It’s my JOB to, y’know, help people.”

    (The mother huffs and hurries off, leaving the girl behind, who was looking at some toys. She panics once she sees her mother is gone.)

    Girl: “Mommy? Where are you?”

    Me: “Aw, h***. Yo, kitten!”

    Girlfriend: “Yeah?”

    Me: “Can you get [Coworker]? Dude should be in the back. Tell him to find the kid’s mother.”

    (I explain how the mother looked. She nods and hurries off. The coworker quickly walks past us with a calm smile. He’s one of my best friends and the only time he snaps is when people are being idiots.)

    Me: “Hey, kid. You want a cookie or something?”

    Girl: “Mommy says I shouldn’t take things from strangers.”

    Me: “Fair point. Come on. Let’s look around, shall we?”

    (I show my hand with a calm smile. She carefully grabs it. I now notice she dropped her teddy bear.)

    Me: “Hey… Where’s your teddy?”

    Girl: “Huh? Oh, no!”

    (She looks panicked. I quickly find it and hand it back to her with a calm smile. She quickly hugs it.)

    Girl: “You’re scary… but nice.”

    Me: “Yeah, so I hear…”

    (The coworker from earlier now comes along with the mother, who is screaming
    loudly.)

    Mother: “How dare you assault my child! You sick f***! I’ll have your a** sued!”

    Me: “For what? For leaving your daughter behind?”

    Mother: “I’ll have your a** sued! I’m a lawyer!”

    Girl: “Mom, you’re a waitress…”

    Problem Exists Between Caller And Afterlife

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I have been trying to help a customer solve a common and easily-fixed issue, but he has been arguing at every point, insisting that his computer is broken beyond repair and we owe him a new, free computer. This is despite the fact that he is several years out of his warranty, and I’ve already granted an exception to help him over the phone, because of the simplicity of the issue.)

    Me: “I know this process can sometimes be frustrating, sir, but if you can work with me just a few minutes more, then we’ll have your computer just the way you like it again.”

    Caller: “I don’t have time for this! You people broke my computer, and owe me a new one. I’m not going to jump through all these hoops just to have it break again tomorrow!”

    Me: “Sir, I understand, but—”

    Caller: “This is appalling customer service. You are refusing to grant me a very simple request. [Famous Founder of Company] will be very disappointed that I’m being treated like this!”

    Me: “Um, sir—”

    Caller: “I’m a close friend of his! In fact, we’re having lunch tomorrow—”

    Me: “Sir—”

    Caller: “I’m going to tell him all about this and you’re going to get fired!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: “Not so smug now, are you?”

    Me: “Sir, I regret to inform you, but [Founder] passed away a little over two years ago now.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “There was a film about it.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “I understand it’s painful, having to hear about your close friend from me, rather than the family, but I didn’t want you to be waiting for him at your lunch tomorrow.”

    Caller: *click*

    Putting Themselves Into A Sticky Spot

    | Bismarck, ND, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “I’d like to return this game.”

    (He hands me a sports title, which is several years old.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept open game returns, particularly games purchased at a competing store.”

    Customer: “I purchased the d*** thing here!”

    Me: “I’m afraid you didn’t. We don’t open games and put [competing company]‘s stickers on the cases.”

    Customer: “Well, why the f*** not?”

    Sticking It Out

    | MA, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    (It is the late 1990s. I’m a cashier for a major home improvement store. We have been taught how to spot the various tricks people might use to try to pay less for merchandise than the actual prices. One night, an assistant manager came up to me about 10 minutes before closing time, as I was the only register open.)

    Manager: “Keep your eyes open. We’ve got a customer who’s up to no good.”

    Me: “You think he’s trying to make a grab?”

    Manager: “Yeah, and he’s not exactly being subtle about it. I’ve been watching him roaming the aisles. Just be on your toes.”

    (A few minutes later, said customer approaches the registers. I call him over.)

    Me: “Evening, sir.”

    Customer: “Hi. Just this, please.”

    (He hands me a utility lamp that I scan. Just by looking at my monitor I can tell what he’s up to.)

    Me: “Wait. That can’t be right.”

    Customer: “No. It says $4.99, then that’s the price!”

    (The price is one thing, but the monitor shows that I’ve scanned in a $4.99 house plant from the garden area.)

    Me: “Sir, you’re buying a lamp, not a plant.”

    (A quick inspection confirms what I suspected, that he’s taken the UPC sticker off a lower priced item and covered the lamp’s UPC with it. His mistake was what he took the sticker from. I peel the sticker off and re-scan the lamp, showing the correct $24.95 price.)

    Customer: “No. You’ve got to let me have it for the other price you scanned in!”

    (During training, we were also told never to confront or accuse a suspected shoplifter, to leave that to a manager.)

    Me: “Sir, even though the wrong bar code wound up on this by some error, I have to charge you the right price for the right item.”

    Customer: *sighs* “Fine. I’ve got to go check something out. Be right back.”

    Me: “Okay, but we close in a few minutes.”

    Customer: “Yeah, fine. I’ll put this back….”

    (The whole time, I’ve had my hand on the lamp in case he tries to take it and run.)

    Me: “No, sir. That’s okay. I’ll take care of it.”

    (The customer goes back into the aisle. The assistant manager has been nearby watching the whole thing, and follows him, but passes by me first.)

    Manager: “Nice catch. I’ll make sure your supervisor hears about this one.”

    (Less than two minutes later, he’s ushering the customer to the exit.)

    Customer: “Man, I didn’t do anything!”

    Manager: “Yeah, ’cause I have a cashier who knows what he’s doing!”

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