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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Putting Themselves Into A Sticky Spot

    | Bismarck, ND, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “I’d like to return this game.”

    (He hands me a sports title, which is several years old.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept open game returns, particularly games purchased at a competing store.”

    Customer: “I purchased the d*** thing here!”

    Me: “I’m afraid you didn’t. We don’t open games and put [competing company]‘s stickers on the cases.”

    Customer: “Well, why the f*** not?”

    Sticking It Out

    | MA, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    (It is the late 1990s. I’m a cashier for a major home improvement store. We have been taught how to spot the various tricks people might use to try to pay less for merchandise than the actual prices. One night, an assistant manager came up to me about 10 minutes before closing time, as I was the only register open.)

    Manager: “Keep your eyes open. We’ve got a customer who’s up to no good.”

    Me: “You think he’s trying to make a grab?”

    Manager: “Yeah, and he’s not exactly being subtle about it. I’ve been watching him roaming the aisles. Just be on your toes.”

    (A few minutes later, said customer approaches the registers. I call him over.)

    Me: “Evening, sir.”

    Customer: “Hi. Just this, please.”

    (He hands me a utility lamp that I scan. Just by looking at my monitor I can tell what he’s up to.)

    Me: “Wait. That can’t be right.”

    Customer: “No. It says $4.99, then that’s the price!”

    (The price is one thing, but the monitor shows that I’ve scanned in a $4.99 house plant from the garden area.)

    Me: “Sir, you’re buying a lamp, not a plant.”

    (A quick inspection confirms what I suspected, that he’s taken the UPC sticker off a lower priced item and covered the lamp’s UPC with it. His mistake was what he took the sticker from. I peel the sticker off and re-scan the lamp, showing the correct $24.95 price.)

    Customer: “No. You’ve got to let me have it for the other price you scanned in!”

    (During training, we were also told never to confront or accuse a suspected shoplifter, to leave that to a manager.)

    Me: “Sir, even though the wrong bar code wound up on this by some error, I have to charge you the right price for the right item.”

    Customer: *sighs* “Fine. I’ve got to go check something out. Be right back.”

    Me: “Okay, but we close in a few minutes.”

    Customer: “Yeah, fine. I’ll put this back….”

    (The whole time, I’ve had my hand on the lamp in case he tries to take it and run.)

    Me: “No, sir. That’s okay. I’ll take care of it.”

    (The customer goes back into the aisle. The assistant manager has been nearby watching the whole thing, and follows him, but passes by me first.)

    Manager: “Nice catch. I’ll make sure your supervisor hears about this one.”

    (Less than two minutes later, he’s ushering the customer to the exit.)

    Customer: “Man, I didn’t do anything!”

    Manager: “Yeah, ’cause I have a cashier who knows what he’s doing!”

    He’s Telling A Shaggy Dog Story

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work for a major attorney service firm. Our job is to go out to businesses (usually medical) to copy records. I am a ‘stop setter,’ meaning that I set the appointments for our field agents. One of the field agents comes dashing into the office, his clothing disheveled, and panting.)

    Me: “What happened?!”

    Field Agent: “You wouldn’t believe it! I went to serve Doctor [Name] with a subpoena for records. I went to his home in Malibu, drove up the hill, and parked. Just as I got out of my convertible to go serve him, four huge Dobermans came charging around the corner and tried to kill me! I ran back, jumped into my car, zoomed down the hill and back here!”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll call him.”

    (I do just that.)

    Me: “Dr. [Name]. This is [My Name] from [Copy Service]. Our field agent says he went to your home to serve a subpoena for the records on [legal case] and—”

    Doctor: “Listen to me you dirty little s***! That field agent is LYING! My gate’s closed. NOBODY can get in. He was never chased by any dogs because I don’t HAVE any! I’m not home, so he couldn’t have found me. Besides, the dogs were TIED UP! I can see them right now from my WINDOW!”

    Needs To Clean Up Her Act

    | AK, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (A girl of about 12 starts to examine a table of pajamas that I had just folded a few minutes ago. At first I’m afraid that she’ll make a mess of everything but she does her best at folding the stuff that she unfolded. Soon her friend comes and looks at the pajamas. However, unlike the other girl, she doesn’t fold the stuff again and just throws the stuff she looks at back on the table.)

    Girl #1: “I, um, think the employees would like it if you folded the stuff instead of, um, setting it back unfolded.”

    Girl #2: “It’s their job. They get paid to do it so it’s not my problem.”

    Girl #1: *nervously* “Oh, er, but—”

    Girl #2: “Drop it! It’s their job. They should be thankful I’m leaving these unfolded! It gives them a job so they can earn money!”

    ([Girl #2] proceeds to take a stack of pajamas and throw them onto the table, causing many to fall. I’m about to interject when [Girl #1] speaks.)

    Girl #1: “So? Let’s say you have to clean the living room everyday, and your parents pay you for it.”

    Girl #2: “But—”

    Girl #1: “Shut up and listen! Let’s say you got it SPOTLESS and perfectly clean. And then your brother and his friend play video games for hours in there, spilling their snacks and leaving empty soda cans and wrappers everywhere. You don’t get paid extra to clean up that mess! And it would make you upset that you have to redo all that work! That’s what the employees probably feel like!”

    Girl #2: “Whatever, b****.”

    ([Girl #2] leaves. [Girl #1] one proceeds to start cleaning up the mess.)

    Me: “Don’t worry. I’ve got it. Thanks, though.”

    Girl #1: “Sorry about her. She’s a jerk.”

    Me: “It’s not a problem. I’ve had to pick up messes that are worse than this many times before.”

    (Later, I see [Girl #2] talking to her dad.)

    Girl #2: “And then she called me a b**** and walked off.”

    Dad: “Really? That’s odd for her behavior. I should have known better than to let you guys shop alone.”

    (Just then [Girl #1] walks up.)

    Girl #1: “My mom will be here to pick me up, so you don’t need to give me a ride home Mr. [Last Name].”

    Dad: “Is it true you called [Girl #2] a rude name?”

    Girl #1: “What? No!”

    Girl #2: *in fake tears* “Yeah. She, she yelled yelled at me, and called me rude names besides b****!”

    Dad: “Stop saying that. Now, [Girl #1], I’m telling your mom and we’ll discuss this later.”

    Girl #1: “But, I didn’t…”

    ([Girl #2] is smirking at [Girl #1] between her fake sobs. I step in.)

    Me: “Sir, I actually witnessed the event.”

    (As I explain the event to the dad, [Girl #1], who is on the verge of tears because of how upset she is, starts to feel better now that she has someone backing her up. [Girl #2] stops faking her tears and stops smirking.)

    Dad: “Thanks.” *turns to [Girl #1]* “I’m terribly sorry.” *turns to [Girl #2]* “What’s gotten into you? You’re in deep trouble now!”

    (I had to go, but I was happy to know that the younger girl didn’t get in trouble!)

    Six Red Flags

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    (Two customers come to my register with two baskets overflowing with groceries. They’re accompanied by four children between the ages of 4 and 11. The carts are loaded to overflowing with baby food and formula, diapers, expensive meats, cheese, beer, wine, sodas, and lots of frozen meals. They are extremely friendly and lay on the endearments quite heavily.)

    Me: “So, did you find everything okay tonight, folks?”

    Customer #1: “Oh, honey! Bless you! You bet we did, baby!”

    Customer #2: “Woooo! More than everything! Look at these steaks! These are gonna be great!”

    (The customers and their eldest two children load the first cart onto the belt. They take it, empty, to the end of my register to bag and load their groceries, since I don’t have a bagger. After several minutes, I finish ringing them up.)

    Me: “Okay. Your total comes to [large, triple digit sum]. How would you like to pay that today?”

    Customer #1: “By check. Let me write it up for you, honey.”

    (As the first customer writes the check, the rest of the group finishes packing the groceries. She finishes writing the check and hands it to me.)

    Me: “Okay, great. Can I see your ID to confirm a few details?”

    Customer #1: “Sure, honey. Sure.”

    (She opens her wallet and flips to the clear ID panel. The driver’s license inside looks really wrong.)

    Me: “Sorry. Do you mind if I remove the ID from the plastic to see it better?”

    Customer #1: “No, baby! Go ahead, sweetie! Help yourself!”

    Me: “Okay. Ah. Do you have another form of identification, ma’am?”

    Customer #1: “What’d you say, honey?”

    Me: “Another form of ID? A driver’s license or something?”

    Customer #1: “Honey, that IS my driver’s license.”

    Me: “Actually, no, ma’am. It’s a Six Flags ID. See? The back here says ‘not government issued ID’ and the ‘Texas’ holograms are just gold puff paint.”

    Customer #1: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. That right there IS my real ID, baby!”

    Me: “And your check has a few routing numbers scratched out—”

    (The customer suddenly snatches the check and ID out of my hands. The whole group bolts for the exit as I call for a manager. He commends me on catching them out and gets staff to put the items in the freezer for the time being. A few minutes later, I get a phone call on my register.)

    Me: “Hello. This is [Store Name], register 12. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

    Cashier: “Hey, [My Name]. Can you get me [Assistant Manager]? I’ve got someone trying to pass a bogus check on gas and soda out here.”

    Me: “Does she have [Name] tattooed across her chest in a script font?”

    Cashier: “That’s her.”

    Me: “Stall her. Tell her the check’s jammed in the machine or something. I’m sending him out.”

    (I call the same assistant manager as before. The acting unit manager, loss prevention member, and the assistant manager book it out the door to the parking lot. By the time they arrive, the customer and her group had made a run for it, leaving the stolen check and fake ID behind. Police are called. We are questioned, and then told that the woman has no fewer than three warrants out for her arrest.)


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