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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    A Large Can Of Whoop-A** And A Side Of Just Desserts

    | Australia | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (Around my restaurant area a lot of kids hang out, most of whom are the unfavorable type. This day in particular, one of them decides to open the door and swear at everyone inside/)

    Kid: “All of you are f***ing b****es!”

    (We ignore it and try to continue work as if nothing happened.)

    Kid: “F*** you, f***ing pigs!”

    (We ignore it again and this repeats for another two times. I am getting very annoyed.)

    Kid: “Girls should stay in the kitchen!”

    Me: “Hey, stop that or I’ll call security.”

    Kid: *looks at me up and down* “Whatever! I bet you want to do me, don’t you?”

    (The kid continues to talk dirty and make gestures to me, so I cut it off there.)

    Me: “Get out of here before I start breaking your legs.”

    (The kid looks shocked, probably because he didn’t expect anyone to snap back at him. He runs away. My co-worker, boss and everyone else in the restaurant applaud and we get back into business. About 20 minutes later, the kid comes back with his mother.)

    Mother: “Look, my son told me you threatened to break his legs! I’m reporting you to the police!”

    Me: “Did he also tell you he was harassing us?”

    Mother: “He told me he was talking to people when you–" *pushes index finger into my chest* "–threatened to break his legs!”

    Me: “I can tell you, now, Ma’am. He was harassing me and the customers.”

    Mother: “Lies! I’ll charge you for threatening a child!”

    Me: “Yes, then I’ll sue him for harassment, sexual harassment and disturbing the peace.”

    (The mother looks at the kid with horror on her face but doesn’t give up just yet.)

    Mother: “You have no proof my son did that! I’ll charge you for psychological damages!”

    Me: “I have plenty of proof on our cameras.” *I point to camera in the back corner, and then to the one at the front* “I also have a room full of witnesses who can give testimony on what he said and did.”

    Mother: *stands on her spot stunned*

    Me: “So do you want your can of whoop-a** here, or shall I serve it to you in court?”

    Suffering For Art

    | Laguna Beach, CA, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (There are giant "No Photography" signs posted on all doors and all over the gallery. A gallery patron pulls out her camera and starts photographing artwork.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but we do not allow photography in the gallery.”

    Patron: “Oh, sorry. Why can’t I take pictures?”

    Me: “These are copyrighted images and if we let everyone take pictures, they would have no reason to purchase the art.”

    (The patron shrugs, pulls out her cell phone, and walks around the gallery. She holds it up in the air while taking pictures of the wall art.)

    Me: “Excuse me, but like I said before, we do not allow photography in the gallery.”

    Patron: “I wasn’t taking pictures, I was talking on the phone!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you were holding it over your head, and you weren’t even talking.”

    Patron: “Well, it’s none of your business how I talk on my phone. Besides, I don’t think any of them were in focus.”

    Caught Red Carded

    | New Zealand | Liars & Scammers, Money

    (A customer comes in to get replacement debit card. Lost cards attract a replacement fee, but for stolen cards the fee is waived.)

    Customer: “I need to cancel my debit card and get a new one.”

    Me: “No problem. Was it lost or stolen?”

    Customer: *looks a bit confused* “I’ve only just noticed it’s missing. Does it make a difference?”

    (I explain about replacement card fee.)

    Customer: “Yeah, it think it must have been stolen when I left my wallet in the car earlier.”

    Me: “No problem. Do you happen to have any ID on you?”

    Customer: “Sure.”

    (The customer pulls out an old, tattered wallet that also clearly contains a reasonable amount of cash and gets a drivers license
    out.)

    Me: “Thanks. You were pretty lucky.”

    Customer: “How come?”

    Me: “Lucky they only stole your debit card from your wallet.”

    Customer: *suddenly looking guilty* “Yeah.”

    *pause*

    Customer: “So I’m going to charge the Replacement Card Fee?”

    Me:“Yeah.”

    What Would Jesus Discount?

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Liars & Scammers, Religion

    (Three teenagers come up to my register to buy some CD cases.)

    Me: “And that comes to $10.33.”

    Teenager: “What if my dad was the Prime Minister?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Teenager: “What if he came in, and said it was $5?”

    Me: “It would still be $10.33?”

    (He seems to think this over for a minute.)

    Teenager: “Well, what if he was the government?! Then what?”

    Me: “The price would still be $10.33.”

    Teenager: “Okay, so then, what if Jesus himself came into the store, and came up to you, and said it was $5?”

    Me: “Well, Jesus would still have to pay full price. Which is $10.33.”

    Teenager: “If Jesus was here, you’d be going to h***!”

    Excuses That Don’t Hold Water

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Thanks for calling [hotel], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a room next weekend. My kid has a swim meet down there.”

    Me: “Okay. Rooms with two doubles are going for $135.”

    Customer: “Give me a corporate rate on that room.”

    Me: “Sir, corporate rates are for business travel. You just told me you were coming for a swim meet.”

    Customer: “Well, uh, I sell swimsuits!”

    Related:
    Logic That Doesn’t Hold Water

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