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  • Got Him Out Of A Pickle
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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    No Shame, Period

    | Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Liars & Scammers, Rude & Risque

    (I am working in the produce section where we sell very thick and very red cranberry juice. As I am placing some on the shelves, I drop one, which spills on the ground. To prevent it from leaking all over the place, I quickly carry it to the customer bathroom close by to empty the rest in the toilet, leaving a long trail of red liquid.)

    Customer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Someone’s had their period in the bathroom!”

    Me: “Oh, no, ma’am. I just dropped cranberry juice on the floor.”

    Customer: “Well, then, can I get a discount for the nausea?”

    Unfortunately, Your IQ Adds Up To Zero

    | Sydney, Australia | Liars & Scammers, Top

    (We are currently running a promotion where customers can get 20% off their entire purchase with a coupon. On this day, I watch as a customer brings 5 items into the change room, picks up the first item, and brings it to the cash register, leaving the other four behind.)

    Customer: “Just this, please.”

    Me: “Sure. Was there a problem with the other four items?”

    Customer: “No, no, I still want them! Leave them there for me. I’ll come back for them.”

    Me: “You’ll…come back for them? I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m afraid we don’t reserve items.”

    Customer: “I’ll only be a second!”

    (I decide not to say anything and continue with the transaction.)

    Customer: “Wait, I want to use my coupon! It’s a 20% discount!”

    (I take her coupon and bring up her new total. She pays and leaves the store. However, she immediately turns on her heel and comes back in, heading towards the change rooms where she picks up the next item on the pile and brings it to me.)

    Customer: “Hello, just this, please. And I have a coupon!” *takes out another coupon*

    Me: “You know, ma’am, this isn’t necessary. 20% off the total price of all the items is exactly the same as the sum of 20% off each individual item. So you can just buy all your items in a single transaction.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid? If I bought them in single transaction, I’d only be getting 20% off! But I have five coupons! 20 times 5 is 100! So now, I’m getting 100% off!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *winks* “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone how to cheat the system!”

    Go Ahead, Make (Up) My Day

    | CA, USA | Liars & Scammers, Top, Underaged

    Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

    Boy: *hands over ID*

    (I glance at the year. It says 1987, so he’s either 23 or 24. I’m about to allow him in when I do a double-take at the date.)

    Me: “Sir, how old are you?”

    Boy: “24.”

    Me: “What’s your birth date?”

    Boy: *gets restless* “Can’t I go in yet? You saw my ID.”

    Me: “Sorry, it’s a fake ID. If you’re really 24, show me a real ID.”

    Boy: “How’s it fake?”

    (I hold up the ID and point to the birth date.)

    Boy: “Oh, s***. I paid good money for that. I can’t believe that moron put February 30!”

    When Photos Are Exposed

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. We do not allow the use of photography in the museum.”
     
    Guest: “I wasn’t taking a photograph!” *shows me her phone*
     
    Me: “Sorry, the way you were holding your phone looked as if you were taking a photograph. Although not only did you take a photograph, but you saved it as your cell phone wallpaper and are currently showing it to me.”

    A Poser By Any Other Name, Part 2

    | Newark, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (I’m not working, but I’m shopping. I’m at the register when the man in front of me starts yelling at the cashier at the top of his lungs.)

    Customer: “You can’t do this, d*** it! My coupons are good! Take them!”

    Cashier: “Sir, these coupons are expired. I’m not allowed–”

    Customer: “If you don’t take it, you’re gonna be expired! Take my coupons or I’ll sue! I’m a lawyer! I’ll sue you in court!”

    (I tap him on the shoulder.)

    Customer: “WHAT?!”

    Me: *calmly* “Are you a prosecutor or defense attorney?”

    Customer: “W-what?”

    Me: “Are you with the state, or private firm?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Where did you go to law school?”

    *pause*

    Me: “Sir, impersonating an agent of the state is a serious offense. Furthermore, there are enough witnesses and evidence to hold you in court for harassment, threatening, disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace. I’m a prosecutor. I’m with the state. My recommendation? You leave, before I make all this official.”

    (The customer runs out of the store, leaving half paid-for groceries behind. The cashier is grinning.)

    Cashier: “You want some free stuff?”

    Related:
    A Poser By Any Other Name

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