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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Caught Red Carded

    | New Zealand | Liars & Scammers, Money

    (A customer comes in to get replacement debit card. Lost cards attract a replacement fee, but for stolen cards the fee is waived.)

    Customer: “I need to cancel my debit card and get a new one.”

    Me: “No problem. Was it lost or stolen?”

    Customer: *looks a bit confused* “I’ve only just noticed it’s missing. Does it make a difference?”

    (I explain about replacement card fee.)

    Customer: “Yeah, it think it must have been stolen when I left my wallet in the car earlier.”

    Me: “No problem. Do you happen to have any ID on you?”

    Customer: “Sure.”

    (The customer pulls out an old, tattered wallet that also clearly contains a reasonable amount of cash and gets a drivers license
    out.)

    Me: “Thanks. You were pretty lucky.”

    Customer: “How come?”

    Me: “Lucky they only stole your debit card from your wallet.”

    Customer: *suddenly looking guilty* “Yeah.”

    *pause*

    Customer: “So I’m going to charge the Replacement Card Fee?”

    Me:“Yeah.”

    What Would Jesus Discount?

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Liars & Scammers, Religion

    (Three teenagers come up to my register to buy some CD cases.)

    Me: “And that comes to $10.33.”

    Teenager: “What if my dad was the Prime Minister?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Teenager: “What if he came in, and said it was $5?”

    Me: “It would still be $10.33?”

    (He seems to think this over for a minute.)

    Teenager: “Well, what if he was the government?! Then what?”

    Me: “The price would still be $10.33.”

    Teenager: “Okay, so then, what if Jesus himself came into the store, and came up to you, and said it was $5?”

    Me: “Well, Jesus would still have to pay full price. Which is $10.33.”

    Teenager: “If Jesus was here, you’d be going to h***!”

    Excuses That Don’t Hold Water

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Thanks for calling [hotel], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a room next weekend. My kid has a swim meet down there.”

    Me: “Okay. Rooms with two doubles are going for $135.”

    Customer: “Give me a corporate rate on that room.”

    Me: “Sir, corporate rates are for business travel. You just told me you were coming for a swim meet.”

    Customer: “Well, uh, I sell swimsuits!”

    Related:
    Logic That Doesn’t Hold Water

    One Scamwich, Coming Right Up, Part 2

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m supervising on a Sunday afternoon, our slowest day of the week. We’ve only been open a couple hours and have only made maybe 4 or 5 sandwiches. A customer calls in with a complaint.)

    Caller: “Excuse me, I ordered a sandwich from you this morning and it is just terrible! You toasted it too much and it just fell apart when I bit into it!”

    Me: “Well that’s odd, sir. If a sandwich was toasted too long it would normally burn long before it would dry out like that. What did you order?”

    Caller: “Chicken.”

    Me: “I can’t find your order in the system. Could you tell me what time you were here?”

    Caller: “This morning sometime.”

    Me: “We weren’t open this morning, sir. We open at noon on Sundays.”

    Caller: “Well, maybe it was after noon then.”

    Me: “Okay, well I’ve been here all day and I don’t recall serving a chicken sandwich to a gentleman today.”

    Caller: “It was my wife who came in.”

    Me: “I’m looking through today’s orders on the computer, and I haven’t served any chicken sandwich today. Are you sure you came to this location?”

    Caller: “Yes. And it was last night. I talked to the manager and he said you’d give me a free sandwich today.”

    Me: “I was the manager last night too, sir.”

    Caller: “You’re not going to give me a free sandwich, are you?”

    Me: “No, sir. I’m not.”

    Caller: “Okay, then.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    One Scamwich, Coming Right Up

    No Happy Ending

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Books & Reading, Liars & Scammers

    (A customer brings a book up to the counter, but the front cover is torn off, along with some pages.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. I’m not sure why a book in this condition was on the shelf. Let me go get a new one.”

    Customer: “No, it’s ok. I did it.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I already read the first part. I just wanted to buy the ending.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “Do I get a discount? It’s only half the book.”


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