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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Your Argument Is Full Of Hot Air, Part 3

    | NC, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (One late night at the diner where I work, a customer comes in late at night, obviously drunk. She orders three pork chops, hash browns with all the toppings, and eggs.  The customer eats everything on the plates then calls me over.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “My hash browns had peppers in them. I’m deathly allergic! I need you to give me the food for free.  I have to go to the hospital.

    Me: “Do you need me to call an ambulance?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, no, no. I can get there on my own. Just give me the food for free.”

    Me: ”I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. You ate all of your food and you seem fine.”

    Customer: “Then give me a discount, half off. I’m allergic to peppers! You gave them to me! I’m going to sue you!”

    Me: ”Ma’am, you seem fine, and you obviously saw and tasted the peppers, yet you ate it anyway. I can’t give you a discount.”

    Customer: *starts breathing heavily* “You did this to me…” *gasps for air* “…and you won’t give me my food for free! I’m suing you!”

    Me: ”That’s okay, but you still have to pay. I’ll have to call the police if you don’t pay.”

    Customer: *abruptly stops breathing heavily, pays, walks out, and gives everyone the middle finger*

    Related:
    Your Argument Is Full Of Hot Air, Part 2
    Your Argument Is Full Of Hot Air

    Scam Wars: Attack Of The Clones

    | Nottingham, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “I want a refund on this DVD.”

    Me: “Okay, what was wrong with it?”

    Customer: “I watched it and I didn’t like it.”

    Me: “Er, I’m sorry, but we don’t rent out DVDs here; we sell them. If there’s nothing wrong with it, I can’t give you a refund.”

    Customer: “But I already copied this one, so I don’t need it anymore!”

    (Realizing what he’s just said, the customer tries to backtrack.)

    Customer: “Er…wait. I mean…”

    Me: *raised eyebrow*

    Customer: “Never mind!” *runs out of the store*

    Calling B.S. On Your B.S.

    | Michigan, USA | Liars & Scammers, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [university]. What can I help you with today?”

    Caller: “Yes, hi. I would like to know how to be an alumni. Like, how do I get the alumni membership of this university?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, have you graduated from our university?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “So you are still attending this university at the moment?”

    Caller: “No. I just want the benefits. I can get money off on my insurance, but I need you to make me an alumni officially.”

    Me: “Have you ever attended our university?”

    Caller: *impatient* “No! Can you just tell me how to do this?”

    Me: “Well, an alumni is someone who has graduated with an actual degree from the university. You cannot be an alumni unless you have graduated with a degree.”

    Caller: *silent*

    Me: “One of our degrees.”

    Caller: *still silent*

    Me: “Only graduates from our university can have our alumni benefits.”

    Caller: “What?!”

    Me: “You can’t be an alumni and have those benefits without graduating from here.”

    Caller: “What? I just want it for insurance. How come you can’t understand this?!”

    (This went on for another fifteen minutes before she gave up!)

    You Have The Right To Remain Drunk

    | Nebraska, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (It’s the end of the night and I’m standing at the front door to make sure no one takes their drinks out of the building, which is illegal in Nebraska. I stop one gentleman on his way out with a beer.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir. You can’t step out with that.”

    Customer: “I think I can.”

    Me: “No, sir, you really can’t.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah?”

    (He pulls out his wallet and shows me a crude fabric badge sewn on to it.)

    Customer: “You’d better let me go and give me my beer before you get your a** in trouble.”

    Me: “So, you’re going to throw me in jail for keeping you from breaking the law?”

    Customer: *belches loudly, vomits a bit on his shirt, and leaves empty handed*

    Two And A Half Customers

    | San Jose, CA, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

    (Our salon requires a credit card hold for parties of three or more to discourage last-minute cancellations. It doesn’t matter how old the customers are. Whether they are 3-year-olds or 80-year-olds, we still reserve a spot for them regardless. We have a lot of customers who try to get around the credit card rule.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [salon], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I wanted to make appointments for two people today.”

    Me: “Sure, what kind of services would you like?”

    Caller: “Two pedicures.”

    (I book the appointments, confirm with the caller, and am about to end the call.)

    Caller: “I also wanted to bring my daughter in for a kid’s pedi.”

    Me: “Oh okay, so you’re actually booking for three people?”

    Caller: *sounding annoyed* “Does she even count? She’s just a kid.”

    Me: “Yes, she does. She’s still a person.”

    Caller: “That’s ridiculous!”

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