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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Will Someone Please Think Of The Caviar

    | Ohio, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (A customer is calling in regarding a 5-day hold we have on his deposit of a personal check for $150,000. Note that in the 3 months he has been a customer, his account has been negative 60 times and has an average daily balance of $75.00—hence the hold.)

    Customer: “You need to give me all my money now! My family is starving. We have no money to pay for food! I am going to the local news and telling them about how you big banks are forcing us to starve to death!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we did give you $1000 of that deposit immediately. Due to the large amount of the check, you will have to wait for the hold to be lifted.”

    Customer: “But my children are starving! How can you be so cruel and starve children?!”

    Me: “Sir, we are your bank. I can see everything you have spent with your debit card, and I see you went to [upscale restaurant] and spent $250 last night on dinner.”

    Customer: “Well…the lobster was under-prepared. Do you really expect my children to be forced to eat like that?! This isn’t a third world country! What is wrong with you?? They are starving!”

    Zombies Like Shamu Too

    | Florida, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (I work for a call center for a popular marine life theme park in Florida.)

    Caller: “I need to cancel the pass for one of my members. He’s deceased.”

    (I look into the account and realize that a few months prior, she had another pass for the same guy cancelled as well, due to him also being deceased. Since the first cancelled pass, this individual had been to the park four separate times.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I apologize, but I am unable to cancel this pass. For verification purposes, you would need to fax the appropriate paperwork or go to guest relations at the park.”

    Caller: *defeated* “Fine, how about I just pay it off in full?”

    Not For The Intellectually Handicapped

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “When I went, they wouldn’t let me park in the handicap spot because I didn’t have a tag.”

    Me: “Well, are you handicapped?”

    Customer: “No. I shared the price of the spot with my brother who is handicapped.”

    Me: “Then you can’t park there.”

    Customer: “But I paid for it!”

    Me: “Miss, the police are really cracking down on this. If you park there and are not handicapped, they will ticket and tow your car resulting in fees up to or over $1,000.”

    Customer: “But I paid for it!”

    Me: “You can’t park there. You’re not handicapped. It doesn’t matter if you paid for it. If you’re not handicapped, then you cannot park in a handicapped spot.”

    Customer: “That is so useless!”

    No Bar And No Bite, Part 2

    | Manchester, UK | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers

    (It’s our company policy to not give refunds. It’s stated at all the till points, on receipts, and if a customer asks, we tell them the exact policy. It’s fairly known and it’s also been in effect for years. I’m also studying to be a barrister while working at this store part-time.)

    Customer: “I’d like to get my money back on this.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it’s our policy not to give refunds.”

    Customer: “That’s illegal.”

    Me: “It’s actually well within the law.”

    Customer: “It’s not. I’m a barrister…I should know!”

    Me: “Really? What firm are you with? I’m actually after getting a bit of work experience in law.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve not technically passed the bar yet.”

    Me: “So you’re not a barrister then?”

    Customer: *goes red* “Just give me a gift card then.”

    Related:
    No Bar And No Bite

    Something Smells Fishy, Part 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    Customer: “Last night, I was drunk on a boat and I threw my phone overboard. Now it is on the bottom of the lake. Can you send someone to pick it up for an exchange?”

    Me: “I thought I heard you said it is on the bottom of a lake.”

    Customer: “Yes, it is. Can you send someone?”

    Me: “No, we cannot send someone to the bottom of the lake to pick it up. Also, since you don’t have your phone, we can’t exchange it.”

    Customer: “But I do have it, it’s in the bottom of the lake.”

    Me: “Then, you don’t have it.”

    Customer: “But, I do have it. I mean, it’s not in my hands but I know where it is, so it counts as if I had it.”

    Me: “No, it doesn’t, sir. Besides, we need to have the phone first in order to send you a replacement.”

    Customer: “I do have it. It’s at the bottom of the lake!”

    Me: “The warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

    Customer: “How do you know it has liquid damage?”

    Me: “The phone is at the bottom of a lake!”

    Related:
    Something Smells Fishy, Part 2
    Something Smells Fishy


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