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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Biting Off More Than He Can Chew

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work at a dinosaur trail, where people can walk through the forest and look at robotic dinosaurs. On this particular day, a guest with one arm comes onto the trail. About half an hour later, he comes back out.)

    Me: “So, did you enjoy the trail?”

    Guest: “I got my arm bit off.”

    Coworker: *without skipping a beat* “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t give refunds.”

    Like Taking Candy From A Baby, Kids, And Everyone Else

    | California, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m working in my family’s store part-time while I go to college. I am 18, but look a lot like my younger sister, who is 12, and sound younger than her as well. It’s October, and we give out free candy to paying customer’s kids or nearby schoolkids. We have a customer who lives next door to our shop; she’s very aggressive and known for shoplifting.)

    Me: “Hello, welcome to [store's name].”

    Customer: “Yeah, yeah, what ever.”

    (The customer begins taking candy from the bowl, which clearly has a sign that says, “KIDS ONLY. TAKE ONE EACH.”)

    Me: “We ask you only take one or two, not a handful. A lot of kids come by and we can’t keep refilling the bowl.”

    Customer: “What?! I’m getting some for my kids!”

    Me: “Well, we ask you at least take six and not a handful, since I know you only have three children.”

    Customer: “Y’all have plenty of candy in the store. Stop being selfish and f***ing stingy.”

    Me: “It’s not being stingy. The owner is paying from their own pockets for the merchandise, and they have to feed their family on the income of this store.”

    Customer: “F***’ing b****!”

    (The customer goes off into the store to shop. Meanwhile, my coworker approaches with some small pumpkin decorations.)

    Coworker: *to me* “Your father called and said to put the candies in here, so when kids come they’ll have a small gift bag. I’ll keep an eye on the customer.”

    (I empty the bowl into the individual pumpkins and leave the bowl on the counter. I’m putting the last of the candy pumpkins into a box when the customer comes back with some items. She’s since eaten all of the candy she took earlier.)

    Me: “Is that all?” *I start ringing her up*

    Customer: “Yeah. What grade you in?”

    Me: “I’m in college. I just graduated a few months ago.”

    Customer: “Wha!? Nu-uh! How old are you?”

    Me: “I’m going to turn 19 soon.”

    Customer: “What? Really? You don’t look—”

    (The customer starts reaching for the bowl, when she notices the candy missing.)

    Customer: “What the f***!? Why are y’all acting weird? I ain’t gonna take all your d*** candy.”

    Me: “Oh, sorry. The owner just called with a new idea of making gift bags for the kids to give out until Halloween.”

    Customer: “Well, then give me three!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you’ve already taken enough candy for your kids.”

    Customer: “Why you treating me different, huh? What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

    Me: “Please tone it down and refrain from cursing. We don’t want any trouble. We are just doing as the owner asks.”

    Customer: “Don’t talk back to me, you little b****! I’ll get your a** fired! Anyway, you’re too young too work here! I know you’re not f***’in 19! You’re still in middle school, aren’t you? You’re a f***in’ liar! I’m going to call social services and tell ‘em they’re hiring 12 year olds to work here and missing school!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but if you want, you can call them. I know how old I am, and so does everyone that knows me.”

    Customer: “Get me the f***in’ manager! I’ll get your a** fired SO fast!”

    Me: *to my coworker* “Well, you’re the one in charge when my father isn’t here.”

    Coworker: *to the customer* “Look, sweetie: this ’12 year old’ is technically the one in charge, since she is the boss’ daughter.”

    Customer: “That is bulls***!”

    Coworker: *to me* “Come on, little Miss Boss. Kick her out of the store.”

    Me: *nervously* “M-ma’am, w-will you kindly leave t-the store before we call security?”

    Customer: “F*** YOU! I’M NEVER COMING TO THIS STORE AGAIN!”

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Coworker: “Please come again real soon!”

    (After a week, I had to go full time to college. However, I learned that my stepmother eventually had to call the cops on the customer and file a restraining order from letting her into the store.)

    Where There’s Smoke, There’s Backfire

    | Kittery, ME, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I am working the register. A mother and her teenage daughter are quietly arguing nearby. When they’re done, the teenager comes up to my register while the mother lingers a few feet away.)

    Teenage Customer: “I need a pack of [cigarettes]!”

    Me: “Certainly! May I see your ID, please?”

    Teenage Customer: “I’m with her.” *points to her mother*

    Me: “Okay, but the person who actually purchases the cigarettes has to be at least 18, no matter who they are with.”

    Teenage Customer: “Oh for f***’s sake!”

    (The teenager goes over to her mother and they quietly argue some more. The mother reluctantly comes up to my register.)

    Customer’s Mother: “I need a pack of [cigarettes], please.”

    Me: “Are you purchasing them for yourself?”

    Customer’s Mother: “No, I don’t smoke. They’re for my daughter. She’s not old enough to buy them for herself.”

    Teenage Customer: “Shut up, Mom!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell the cigarettes to either of you.”

    Teenage Customer: “Why the f*** not?”

    Me: “Well, you’re not old enough to buy them and your mother just admitted that she’s buying them for someone who is underage.”

    Teenage Customer: “They’re for her. Right, Mom?!” *pinches her mom’s arm*

    Customer’s Mother: *meekly* “Yes, they’re for me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m still going to have to refuse the sale. Allowing someone to buy cigarettes for a minor is a bad as selling cigarettes to a minor. I could get into a lot of trouble.”

    Teenage Customer: “Oh, f*** you! We’ll just get them someplace else!” *to her mom* “This is your fault!”

    (Suddenly, a uniformed police officer appears out of nowhere. Apparently, he has witnessed the whole exchange from nearby.)

    Police Officer: “Could I have a word with you, ladies?”

    (I don’t know what happened to the mother and daughter, but I never saw them in the store again. The police officer reported the whole incident to my manager and I got a promotion!)

    It’s Best To Book It

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I’m the merchandising manager of a large bookstore. I see a man looking around for books. He seems quite perplexed, so I try to help him.)

    Me: “May I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m having a h*** of a time finding these books on my list.”

    Me: “What’s the first book?”

    (I help him find half the books on the list, but he seems to be having a hard time reading the list. )

    Me: “Maybe you could just give me the list, and I’ll find them for you?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes!”

    (He hands me a crumpled receipt from my store.)

    Me: “So, you want to replace these books you purchased before?”

    Customer: “Well, no… I was thinking I could get these books, take them to the front counter with the receipt and get money baaaaaa—” *trails off*

    (There’s a bit of deadly silence as the customer realizes that he’s been caught.)

    Customer: “I guess that won’t work now, huh?”

    Me: “I think you should leave the store, sir. Have a nice day.”

    Not The Britest Bagel In The Bunch

    | Rhode Island, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I’m a baker of the store, so I make all the donuts, bagels and muffins three days a week. This particular day I have finished baking and am now working on sandwich station. My hair is often multi-colored, so my coworkers call me ‘Rainbow Brite.’)

    Customer: “The girl making sandwiches got this hair in my food.”

    Coworker: “Oh, I’m very sorry, ma’am. Let me see that and we’ll remake it for you.”

    (The customer hands over a bagel which has a long blond hair sticking out of the cream cheese. My hair is short and currently black with pink/purple bangs. However, the customer’s daughter has long blond hair. Also, we don’t have a single blond girl working at our store—just two blond boys who have buzzcuts.)

    Coworker: “Well, ma’am, while this hair didn’t come from her, I’ll have her make it over for you anyways.”

    Customer: “Of course it’s her hair! Who else’s hair could it be?! I bet you are just covering for her. Let me speak to the person in charge.”

    Coworker: “Rainbow Brite, she wants to talk to you.”

    Me: *smiles* “Hi, hun, can I help you with something?”

    Customer: “I found this long blond hair in my bagel. Your coworker accused me of lying when I said it came from the girl making sandwiches!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I can tell you she was telling the truth that the hair didn’t come from the sandwich girl, because that’s me, and my hair is neither blond nor long. However, I can remake your bagel and give you a refund if you would like.”

    Customer: “How dare you accuse me of lying?! I demand a refund!”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am. Let me make your bagel again.”

    (I remake her bagel and give her a refund. As she’s walking out, her daughter speaks.)

    Customer’s Daughter: “Mommy, why were you so mean to her? You got my hair in the bagel, not her!”

    Customer: *turns bright red and leaves in a hurry*

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