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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Sorry, Please Chai Again

    | Olympia, WA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I am working in a new coffee shop on campus that is very busy at certain times of the day. We start to notice a professor pulling a scam on us at our peak times. Every day she waits until we are really busy. She waits with her friend in line but does not order anything. Then, after ‘waiting’ a while, she demands to know where her drink is. Several students are pulling this scam as well. We put up a sign that says you have to present your receipt, and make sure we tell everyone that orders. All the scams stop, except one.)

    Professor: *slamming her hand over and over on the pickup counter* “Where is my chai!? Where is my chai!?”

    Coworker: “Do you have your receipt?”

    Professor: *indignant* “No.”

    Coworker: “Then you don’t have a chai.”

    (She never tried to pull the scam on us again!)

    This Customer Is Phoney

    | Leeds, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (It’s the early 2000s, and my dad and I are at my grandma’s house. We see a salesman making his way around the street, and my dad says he’ll deal with him when he gets to us.)

    Salesman: “Hello, sir! I’d just like to talk to you about your telephone service.”

    Dad: “Sorry, I don’t believe in phones.”

    Salesman: “You… don’t believe in phones?”

    Dad: “No, I don’t. I don’t think they’ll ever catch on.”

    (At this point, I’m not sure if the salesman is playing along or genuinely believes him.)

    Salesman: “Oh, but sir! Telephones are very popular now! Everybody uses them! Some people even have small ones they can carry around with them!”

    Dad: “That sounds ridiculous! Nope. Sorry, I’m not interested. Goodbye!”

    (He then returned inside, and picked up one of his three mobile phones to send a text message.)

    Just Got Servered

    | UK | Geeks Rule, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I am answering phones at a company which provides a free trial service of our main product, which we mostly sell to other businesses. Unfortunately, what many people who sign up for the trial want to do is to run ‘Minecraft’ servers, and rarely ever pay us at the end of the trial, so we institute a policy of not allowing game servers of any sort of our trial.)

    Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

    (The caller is pre-pubescent.)

    Caller: “Uh, I work for Mojang…?”

    Me: “No. No, you don’t.” *click*

    (My coworkers look over and stare at me for a bit. I explained, but am interrupted by the phone ringing again from the same number. I switch on the speakerphone.)

    Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello, Uh, I work for Mojang. I’d like a free trial…?”

    Me: “Certainly. I’ll just need you to send us an email from your Mojang email address.”

    (I keep a straight face and voice while the rest of the office cracks up in the background.)

    Caller: *click*

    (He emailed and called in a few more times trying to get a trial, at first claiming to be from Mojang, then claiming to be from his dad’s company. We somehow saw through his cunning ploy each time. He finally fessed up that he was twelve and just wanted to play ‘Minecraft.’ We thanked him for his honesty, but did not give him a trial.)

    Won’t Get To Hear The High Notes

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Wild & Unruly

    (I work event security for part time work. Usually it’s pretty mellow, and I just tell people they can’t bring in outside food and beverages. This event is a huge dub-step concert, and it is widely known that most people will try to sneak ‘stuff’ (like drugs) in by the strangest ways. There are a few giveaways when we think someone is trying to sneak stuff in. I notice a tall, skinny guy in his early 20s walking a bit off and see that his eyes are bloodshot.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. How are you doing today?”

    Guest: “Uh, I’m fine…”

    (The guest pauses and starts walking away with a worried look on his face.)

    Me: “Hold on one second. I noticed you were walking a bit off. Are you doing all right?”

    Guest: “Oh, yeah, haha. I’m okay, I guess. It’s just hot, and uh, yeah.” *continues to try to walk away*

    Me: “Just out of curiosity, you wouldn’t happen to be trying to hide any contraband to bring inside the venue, would you?”

    Guest: “Pft! F*** no. F*** that s***. F*** you for assuming that. Is it because I’m white?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m white, too… Since you don’t have anything on you, you wouldn’t mind if one of our K-9 units sniffed you, right?”

    Guest: *still looking worried* “I don’t have to f****** do that! F*** you, lady!”

    Me: “And I don’t have to let you in. Here’s what I’m going to do. Whatever it is you have on you, give it up now, all of it, and I’ll let you go into the venue with no consequences. If you do not give it up right now, I can have you arrested for possession. This is your only free pass. Take it or leave it. Which will it be?”

    (I see him contemplating this, which is just another give-away.)

    Guest: “I don’t have nothin’ on me, b****, so take that.”

    (At this point I have him step off to the side while an officer with a K-9 unit comes over.)

    Me: “Last chance for a free pass, man. All you have to do is surrender whatever it is you are hiding, and I’ll let you go in and have fun. You paid a lot of money to come here. Is it worth not going in just to hold onto some stuff?”

    Guest: “F*** you, b****. I don’t have nothin’ on me. I just want to go inside and have fun.”

    Me: *sigh*

    (Almost as soon as the K-9 gets near us, he makes his motions and sounds indicating he is picking something up.)

    Officer: “Sir, what do you have on you?”

    Guest: “F*** off, a**hole. I just want to go inside.”

    Officer: “I know you have something. Do you want me to find it the easy way or the hard way?”

    Me: *puts on latex gloves, dramatically snapping the wrist as if I’m ready for a cavity search*

    Guest: “Oh, you mean like drugs? Yeah, I forgot I lent these shorts to a friend, and he, uh, must have left some stuff in the pockets without me remembering. I don’t do that s***.”

    (The officer and I look at each other, rolling our eyes and trying not to laugh.)

    Officer: “Sir, can you empty your pockets, please?”

    (The guest reaches into the back of his shorts, pulls a small baggie from his rectum containing packaged heroin, Molly, Ecstasy, and cocaine, throws it at me, and tries to walk away. The officer and I stop him.)

    Guest: “WHAT THE F***, YOU B****! YOU SAID I COULD F****** GO IN IF I GAVE YOU THE F****** DRUGS!”

    Me: “Yes, and you denied that you had anything. I let you know that if you didn’t give it up, you would be arrested for possession.”

    Guest: “I JUST GAVE IT UP, B****!”

    Me: “After your free pass expired…”

    (He continued to curse at me while the officer and I walked him over to the security tent to get booked. We let him know he would not be arrested, but that he was no longer allowed to enter the venue, that his ticket would be confiscated, that he would be walked off the property, and that if he was found back on the property he WOULD be arrested for trespassing. I walked him off the property as he continually mumbled that I was a ‘f****** b****.’ Since I’m a female, the officer trailed behind to make sure I didn’t have any more problems. I started to walk back in when the guest runs up behind me, and punches me square across the face. Only seconds later, the dog was on him. All I got was a bruise on my cheek and a laugh about his stupidity. He got arrested for trespassing, assaulting me, and for the smorgasbord of drugs that were currently in his system.)

    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 6

    | NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m on the floor helping a customer in our perfume department. She picks up two full sized perfume boxes and heads up to the registers. The line is long, so I follow her up and ring the line down. Finally, she approaches my register.)

    Me: “Hi, again. Decided to just get the perfumes?”

    Customer: “Huh? No. I need to return these.”

    Me: *turns the perfume around and point to the soft sensors on the back of the boxes* “Seriously?”

    (The customer finally looks at me and I can see the instant she recognizes me.)

    Customer: “Oh… uh… forget it.” *runs out of the store*

    Related:
    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 5
    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 4
    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 3
    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 2
    Past The Point Of No Return

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