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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Word To The Whys

    | Austin, TX, USA | Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Thank you for calling [business]; how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I’ve been a customer for years! I’ve spent literally thousands of dollars with you! Why would you do this to me?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but what’s happened?”

    Customer: “You charged me for two [products], but only sent one. Why are you trying to rip off a loyal customer?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry your order wasn’t complete. I’ll get the missing item shipped to you today.”

    Customer: “But why did you do this to me?”

    Me: “I think it was just a mistake. We wouldn’t do something like that intentionally.”

    Customer: “Of course you did! The packing slip clearly says ‘F*** you!’ on it!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that! Can you send me a photo so I can forward it to my manager?”

    Customer: “Why? Don’t you believe me?!”

    Me: “I need to see the handwriting to figure out who wrote it.”

    Customer: “Fine. I’ll mail it back.”

    Me: “I would prefer it if you email a photo, but mailing it back is fine. In the meantime, I’ll get the missing [product] sent to you.”

    Customer: “I still can’t believe you’d do this to me!”

    (The customer mails in the slip, and sure enough, written in crayon in a very unsteady hand that I don’t recognize, is ‘F*** you!’. However, it’s followed in the same handwriting and crayon by, ‘I can’t believe you’d do this to me!’)

    Got The Fraud On The Phoney

    | CA, USA | Awesome Workers, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I work at a call center for an online store. My job includes fraud prevention. If a caller dials in to place an order that seems out of place, I let my manager know. This is one of those times.)

    Me: “So, I’ve got a customer on the line here that uh… placed an order for a really expensive product. Expedited shipping. They want a tracking number for it. I’m not liking this.”

    Manager: “Do the billing and shipping match?”

    Me: “Nope. Completely different states, too.”

    Manager: “Hmm… did they order anything before?”

    Me: “Oh, yeah! They placed [order].”

    (After a few minutes of silent research…)

    Manager: *smiling* “Transfer them to me.”

    Me: “Okay?”

    (He puts it on speaker.)

    Manager: “Thank you for holding, this is [name], manager in charge. How can I help you?”

    Fraudster: “Yeah, I’m pretty mad at you guys right now. Been waitin’ for twenty godd*** minutes for a single trackin’ number! The last associate that talked to me is an incompetent b****!”

    Manager: “Oh, well I’m sorry to hear about that, sir. You mentioned that you were looking for a tracking number, is that right?”

    Fraudster: “Yeah! And while you’re at it just fire the last b**** I spoke to! She’s f***ing useless as h***!”

    Manager: “It’s going to be a few moments while I pull up the number. But how’re you doing?”

    Fraudster: “Well… now I’m doing good. You know what you’re doing, unlike that—”

    Manager: “That’s good to hear. Glad you’re not feeling guilty or anything.”

    Fraudster: “…For…what?”

    Manager: “For the fraud orders you’ve been placing on our website.”

    Fraudster: “Uh…”

    Manager: “I’ll be honest with you: I know what you’re doing. I’ve known for a couple of weeks now. So, tell me, how many cards have you stolen?”

    Fraudster: *scared* “Ju-just two—”

    Manager: “Hmm, okay. Well, I work pretty close with [other state's police department]. So, I’m gonna give you two choices. You can either turn yourself in like the good guy I’m sure you are. Or you can just sit there while I have them down there in a few hours, embarrassing you and your family.”

    Fraudster: “O-oh God. L-look, I—”

    Manager: “I’ve got them on speed dial.”

    Fraudster: “I’ll turn myself in!”

    Manager: *extremely cheerful* “Oh good. Now, what time should they expect you so I can let them know?”

    Fraudster: “T-ten o’clock in the mornin’.”

    Manager: “They’ll be waiting. Have yourself a good day, sir.”

    (And yes, he did turn himself in!)

    A Brush With Stupidity

    | Haifa, Israel | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I’m the manager of a pizzeria. I have all my employees keep their hair very short and clean-shaven. This happens when a customer comes up after just having been served her pizza. Everyone working this shift also has black hair.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but there’s a long, blond hair in my pizza!”

    (She stares at me as though expecting me to do something. She also has long blond hair.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that hair didn’t come from us.”

    Customer: “But it’s on my pizza! You have to do something!”

    Me: “I don’t know what I can do other than to give you directions to the nearest drug store to buy a comb.”

    Past The Point Of No Return, Part 2

    | CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m working at a going out of business’ sale, during which there’s a All Sales Final, NO Returns’ policy. A customer approaches register with a box full of pipe fittings. He starts placing them on the counter.)

    Me: “Did you find everything alright today, sir?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m not buying these. I’m returning them.”

    Me: *pointing to sign right next to me* “Sir, we do not take returns anymore.”

    Customer: “Well, you’re f***ing taking these. I bought these and was told any unused ones can be returned. Now I want my money back!”

    Me: “Sir, these aren’t even a brand we carry at this store.”

    Customer: “Don’t f***ing talk to me! Hurry up and do your job.”

    Me: “Sir, even if I could take returns, I don’t see a receipt for these items. When did you say you bought these?”

    Customer: “Like 3 months ago. You’re f***ing useless! Where’s your manager?”

    (I grab my manager and explain the situation to him.)

    Manager: *to customer* “So, let me get this straight. You’re returning a product that we never supplied three months after you supposedly bought them, with no proof of purchase when we do not allow returns?”

    Customer: “This is bulls***! I’ve been a loyal customer here for 23 f***ing years! You can’t just throw me out!”

    Manager: “Sir, my name is on the building, and I’ve run this place since 1982. I’ve never seen you before in my life. So I suggest you get out now before I call the police.”

    (The customer grabs his box, mutters some swear words under his breath, and storms out.)

    Related:
    Past The Point Of No Return

    Let’s Hope He Doesn’t Still Jump On The Bed

    | TN, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in a call center doing reservations for a sizable hotel chain. Our system is set up to not only put in the number of adults but the number and age of children as well.)

    Me: “Okay, so how many adults and children will be in the room?”

    Caller: “Well, it depends what age you consider a child.”

    Me: “Well, I can put them in as a child, and if they’re too old, my system will adjust them to an adult automatically.”

    Caller: “Okay, then. Two adults and one child.”

    Me: “And the age of the child, please?”

    Caller: “43.”

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