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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Like His Pond, His Argument Is Shallow

    | UK | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    (I work tech support for a manufacturer of pond equipment. My job is supposed to be explaining tech, and helping fix faults for our customers.)

    Customer: “Yeah… so, I have one of your outdoor pond pumps, but it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Well, actually I just don’t have the instructions for it, so I don’t know how to make it work. I know it’s self-cleaning, but I don’t know how to make it work.”

    (This is strange, as all products come with instructions. Also, though we do have self-cleaning pumps, they cost thousands of pounds. As a result, they are rarely used by the general public.)

    Me: “What model is it? Maybe I can email you our electronic copy.”

    Customer: “Thanks, man. It’s [four-year-old model number].”

    Me: “Okay, I’m sending you a copy of those instructions now. However, I should warn you that it’s not self-cleaning. It is, however, easy clean.”

    Customer: “What?! I only bought it because it was self-cleaning!”

    Me: “Well, easy clean is better than nothing, and it is a good pump. What did you have before?”

    Customer: “I had [five-year-old pump].”

    Me: “That’s still a good upgrade; let me know when you have the instructions.”

    (There is a pause as the customer checks his email.)

    Customer: “You screwed up man; this picture is all wrong!”

    Me: “Those are the instructions for [four-year-old model]. If it doesn’t look like that; you must have a different pump.”

    Customer: “No, man! The guy I bought it from said it was [four-year-old pump].”

    Me: “Who did you buy it from?”

    Customer: “Some guy online!”

    Me: “Do you think that maybe he lied?”

    (A lot of cursing ensues. Eventually, he starts describing the product. I quickly recognize it as a very old product of ours.)

    Me: “I think I know what you have, sir. It’s actually a [10-year-old product]. Let me just send you the instructions.”

    Customer: “That’s it, man! Is that one self-cleaning too?”

    Me: “Sir, that one’s not even easy clean. You’ve just significantly downgraded your system.”

    Customer: “S*** man! This is bull-s***! What the h*** am I supposed to do with this s***?!”

    Me: “If I were you, sir, I’d look into getting your money back from the seller you purchased your pump from. I’d also reinstall your old pump into your pond.”

    Customer: “F*** that s***! Give me my f****** money back! It’s your pump! You f****** fix it!”

    Me: “Sir, I work technical support for the manufacturer of that pump. We haven’t made them in years, and we haven’t sold them in years. You did not buy it from us, nor do you have any kind of guarantee with us. If you had come to a store for your needs, rather than under-cutting us all by going online for the cheapest deal, we could have told you exactly what you were buying. Instead, you bought an unknown product from an unknown source, with no protection or research. That is entirely on you, buddy. It is not my fault.”

    (There is a long pause before the line goes dead.)

    He’s Not Taking Lying, Lying Down

    | Norway | Bad Behavior, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I work as a second line support, mostly dealing with emails from clients. One client is so nasty to my first line phone-support coworker, that she just cannot deal with him anymore. She begs me to take the call.)

    Me: “Hi, this is [name]. I was told you had some questions about the legal binding of your contract, and therefore you were transferred to me. Would you please clarify what the issue is here?”

    Client: “THIS F****** CHICK ON THE PHONE SAID THERE WOULD BE A F****** FEE IF I CHANGE MY PHONE PROVIDER! SHE’S F****** LYING! I WAS NEVER INFORMED THAT THIS—”

    (He trails off and just screams profanities. I remain silent until he finally calms down.)

    Client: “…um, hello?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am still here. However, as we will not be able to resolve anything while you are screaming at me, I figured I’d wait until you were finished. Anyway, from what I’ve gathered, you are upset that cancelling your contract will result in a cancellation fee?”

    Client: “YES! I already changed provider, and you guys sent me the bill! I WAS NOT INFORMED!”

    Me: “Well, sir, did you receive your information text? It can sometimes be hard to get all the information from—”

    Client: “I DID NOT GET A TEXT! I WAS NOT INFORMED!”

    (I decide to pull up his actual contract, to check what information he actually received. I go quiet for a bit.)

    Client: “…um, hello?”

    Me: “Sir, I just pulled up your contract here. You are one of our few clients who actually got your contract from one of our sales reps, on paper. Normally, they are given electronically over email or text. But you got the full contract, complete with all the information about our terms, on paper. You wrote down your details yourself, and signed it. How were you not informed?”

    Client: “It did not say there were a cancellation fee!”

    Me: “Yes, it does. Right under where you put down the phone numbers you wanted the agreement for. Where it also says how long you have to stay with us before you can change provider without the fee.”

    Client: “But… I didn’t agree with that!”

    Me: “You filled out the contract, checked of the box that said you had read, understood, and agreed to our terms of agreement, and signed the document.”

    Client: “But… I didn’t read the terms of agreement!”

    Me: “But you signed that you did.”

    Client: “Well… but… You people should know that I was lying! I AM NOT PAYING THIS STUPID BILL!” *hangs up*

    His Tone Requires A Gear Shift

    | UK | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (My uncle owns a chain of bike shops. We’re having a meal with my grandparents, and have gathered at the shop waiting for my cousin to finish his shift. An obnoxious customer is giving him trouble.)

    Customer: “You are useless! Do you even know anything about bikes?”

    Cousin: “When I’m not here, I race them.”

    Customer: “Don’t take that tone with me!”

    Cousin: “I wasn’t trying to take any tone—”

    Customer: “Do you know who I am?! I’m the owner’s brother, and I will have you fired!”

    (I am unable to contain myself, and turn to my brother.)

    Me: “Did you hear that, bro? We’ve got another uncle!”

    Customer: “…What?”

    (The customer turns to see the crowd of us waiting.)

    Dad: “I have another brother?”

    Granddad: *to my grandmother* “Was this while I was away at sea? How could you?”

    Grandmother: “All the jokes about a child in every port, and you were hiding THIS?”

    Customer: “I… er…”

    Uncle: “Well you don’t need to ring me; I’m here already! What has my son done this time?”

    (The customer runs out. My dad starts shouting after him in a bad Italian accent.)

    Dad: “You don’t a messa with the family!”

    Grandmother: *to my granddad* “Well that one’s definitely yours.”

    Looking For A Stuffed Cash Cow

    | Canada | Liars & Scammers, Money

    (In order to drive business to our photography studio, we leave out stuffed animals for customers to ‘find’ and return in exchange for a free session and picture. The animals come with a silly poem with directions on where to go to collect their prize. A customer comes in, and places one of our toys on the counter.)

    Customer: “I found your toy.”

    Me: “Great! You’ve won a prize! You’ve won a free picture plus sitting!”

    Customer: “What? You mean there’s no cash?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I found your toy. I was under the impression there would be a reward.”

    Me: “Erm… yes. The sitting and picture is the reward.”

    Customer: “Well, I want CASH!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; we’re not allowed to offer cash prizes.”

    Customer: “Well I don’t have to take this! I brought your toy back, and you won’t pay me for it! You do it every other time! I can’t believe you won’t do it now! I’m calling your manager to complain!”

    Me: “Well, I am the manager, ma’am. I’m quite certain I’ve never handed out a cash prize for this game.”

    (The customer is now red faced and even angrier.)

    Customer: “How rude of you! I’m calling your company to complain and get my cash!”

    (The customer then shoves the toy across the counter, pauses to take the number for customer services, and storms out.)

    An Upgrade Is In Her Suite Dreams

    | MI, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals

    (Our hotel rules state that while pets are not allowed, we make exceptions for service animals. A blind guest checks in with his Seeing Eye dog. I ask my coworker to take care of him, as I have a slight pet allergy. Not more than an hour later, another guest comes rushing towards me at the front desk, gasping and wheezing terribly.)

    Guest: “There…” *gasps* “…is …a f****** dog in the hotel!”

    Me: “Yes, it belongs to a man who’s legally blind.”

    Guest: *coughs* “You said on your website that you don’t allow pets! I demand to be moved! I have severe allergies!” *gasps for breath* “That d*** mutt could kill me!”

    (I’m stumped by this, as the guest in front of me is in a room on the second floor, while we checked the man with the service dog in on a room on the opposite end of the third floor. Nevertheless, she looks to be in a bad state, so I do my best to help.)

    Me: “Well we can certainly do that. I have another single bedroom on the fourth floor, far away from where there’ll be any—”

    Guest: “No!” *coughs* “I want a suite! I deserve a free room at least for having my life endangered like this!”

    (She grabs the desk and dramatically clutches her throat.)

    Guest: “Merciful Jesus…” *gasp* “…can’t f****** breathe!”

    Me: “Ma’am, why don’t you sit down while I call 911. Where in your room do you have your medication, so we can at least give you something to help while we wait?”

    Guest: “Medication? I don’t have any medication.”

    Me: “Your allergies are so severe that you’re suffering an attack, despite not even being on the same floor as the person with the dog. Yet you don’t have anything to help treat your condition?”

    (The guest noticeably stops with all the coughing and gasping, and looks at me.)

    Me: “I myself suffer from pet allergies, albeit minor ones. Even I had to go in the back and take something when that man came to check in with his dog.”

    Guest: “So… you’re not going to give me a free suite?”

    Me: “The only ones currently available are on the third floor. If anything, you’d be exposing yourself to even greater danger by being in closer proximity to the dog.”

    Guest: “God f****** d*** it!”

    (The guest storms out, apparently now feeling much better.)

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