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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    Caught Red Quartz Handed

    | USA | Liars & Scammers

    (I run a precious gems and minerals booth at a trade show. A customer walks up to me and does some looking around first.)

    Customer: “Do you buy things?”

    Me: “Sometimes, is it minerals?”

    Customer: “Sorta, yeah.”

    (The customer takes out a palm sized velvet pouch.)

    Customer: “I have a friend that cuts rocks and does things to them. I had him make me a set of ruby quartz flat gems and paint them with gold leaf. They’re kinda rare, and I was hoping to get $90 for them.”

    Me: “That depends…”

    (I hold out my hand for the bag. Instead he opens it, and pours out a couple of red glass, aka ‘fused quartz’ flat facet gems with runes on them in gold color paint. One has a chip in corner.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but these are in the trade wholesale catalogs in five colors, come with a booklet and retail for $20. Without the book and damaged, best I could hope to get is $5, so that means I won’t pay you that much.”

    Customer: “How dare you! Bad karma ON YOU! My friend Spent TWO WEEKS cutting and carving these!”

    (I spot another vendor across from me, talking to security.)

    Vendor Across From Me: “Yeah, that’s the guy!”

    Customer: *Oh s***!”

    (The customer takes off, leaving the bag. Security gets him before he gets out door. If he had gone all the way around my booth, he would have seen that I have full sets, in all five colors for sale, with the booklet, for less than $20. Bad karma indeed.)

    How To Cancel Death

    | USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    (I work guest relations for a large hotel chain. One of my duties is to cancel advanced purchase reservations, which have a non-refundable clause.)

    Me: “Guest relations, my name is [name]; how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I want to cancel my reservation.”

    Me: “What is the confirmation number?”

    (I pull up the account, and run the customer’s membership club information for case history.)

    Caller: “Yes. My wife died suddenly, so I cannot make this reservation.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear about your loss, sir. Let me see what I can do for you. Since this is an advanced purchase, we would need a copy of your wife’s death certificate to verify her passing. I’m so sorry to ask for this.”

    Caller: “It will be after the funeral that I can get that to you, but that is after the 24th.”

    (The reservation is for the 24th this month.)

    Me: “I see. May I place you on hold for a moment while I look into some options with the hotel?”

    (After placing him on hold, I review past case history, noticing a lot of cancellations of advanced purchases. One thing seems common. They’re all for wives. All fairly recent, as well.)

    Me: “Sir? Yes, thank you for holding. Sir, how many wives do you have?”

    Caller: “WHAT!? WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME SUCH A QUESTION!? WHY WOULD YOU DISHONOR MY WIFE!?”

    Me: “Well, you see, in looking up your membership information, I see that in the last six months you have cancelled eight advance purchase reservations, all of them stating your wife passed away. So how many wives do you have?”

    Caller: “This is absurd! I want your manager!”

    Me: “I am a case manager, sir, and I am not going to cancel this reservation, nor ask the hotel to honor a cancellation without you providing a death certificate. If she really has passed, then I certainly apologize and am very sorry for the loss, but unless you have been remarried seven times in the last six months, your wife has either passed away previously, and not suddenly as you claimed. Would you like our mailing address so that you can send in a copy of the death certificate?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    Scamming In Full Bloom

    | Bolton, England, UK | Liars & Scammers

    (I am a supervisor working a 10-hour shift on the hottest day of the year. As it is the evening shift, there are only two of us on. I have sent my colleague on her break so I am at the till.)

    Customer: “Can I speak to the manager please?”

    Me: “Both the Store Manager and Team Manager aren’t here, but I am the supervisor if you have any problems.”

    Customer: “Well I bought some flowers yesterday. They were for a friend who has cancer. When I got home I noticed they were in terrible condition. Probably caused by the heat.”

    Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Okay, do you have the flowers with you?”

    Customer: “No. I threw them out.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry; I can’t do anything without either of those two things. How much did they cost?”

    Customer: “£10.”

    (I find this odd, because we only sell £10 flowers during occasions like Mother’s Day or Christmas.)

    Me: “Well, there is nothing I can do without the proof of purchase and the product itself. I need to be able to scan the product to refund it. I can’t just give you £10 out of my till.”

    Customer: *patronizing tone* “Look sweetie, you don’t really know how retail works. If a product is bad, you get a refund. You probably became a supervisor by sucking your way up the food chain. Now give me my money, or I’ll call head office on you!”

    Me: “Please don’t say things like that. And by all means, call them! They will tell you exactly the same thing I’m telling you. They’ll also tell you that the flowers in question haven’t been sold at this store for nearly two months.”

    Customer: “Listen here you little piece of—”

    (My coworker returns from break.)

    Coworker: “What’s going on here?”

    Me: “I was just about to give this gentleman this phone so he can ring head office, and tell them what a terrible cashier and supervisor I am. Also, out of curiosity, what time did you buy these supposed flowers yesterday?”

    Customer: “I bought them yesterday afternoon!”

    Me: “[Coworker], did you sell flowers that we don’t even stock that cost £10 to this man yesterday?”

    Coworker: “Nope!”

    Me: “Neither did I. And since we are the only two people on after midday, I think I’ll call the police.”

    (I have no intention of calling the police, but the customer bolts out all the same. Instead, I call all the company stores in the area and tell them to watch out for him. It turns out he already caught out a young impressionable Saturday worker. Eventually, I hear the police caught up with him!)

    Got To Give Him Credit For Trying

    | Allentown, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Books & Reading, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (My husband and I are customers in a fairly long line at the bookstore’s register. A customer ahead of us puts pile of about 10 books on the counter.)

    Customer: “I’ll take these.”

    (He opens his wallet and pulls out one of those credit card-shaped pieces of tan card stock that has the words ‘CREDIT CARD’ around the edges and comes inside a new wallet to demonstrate where your credit cards would go. Other than the words ‘CREDIT CARD’ around the edges, the card is completely blank. There is no name, card number, card type, etc.)

    Customer: “Credit, please.”

    (The customer hands the cashier the ‘credit card’.)

    Cashier: “Uh…”

    Customer: “This is a new card from Citibank. They are switching to paper instead of plastic because it is better for the environment.”

    Cashier: “I don’t think—”

    Customer: “THIS IS A CARD FROM CITIBANK! I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!”

    Manager: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to buy these books. Here is my credit card. It is a new card from Citibank; they are switching to paper from plastic to help the environment!”

    Manager: *very obviously trying not to laugh* “I… uh… I’m sorry, but only major credit cards are accepted here.”

    Customer: “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! YOU JUST LOST YOURSELF A SALE! I AM TAKING MY BUSINESS SOMEWHERE ELSE!”

    (The customer takes his ‘credit card’ and storms off.)

    Smeagol, Medium Or Large

    , | UT, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m working a double shift. It is 5:30 pm, and I’ve been here since 8 am. I am the manager on duty.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a large blizzard, m&m and cookie dough.”

    (I make the blizzard and place it in front of him. Large blizzards are in a 21 oz. cup.)

    Customer: “No, this isn’t a large and I ordered a large.”

    Coworker: “That is a large, sir.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not. They usually make them in this size cup.” *motions to the 32 oz. cup*

    Coworker: “No, those are shakes. They don’t have m&ms or cookie dough in them.”

    Customer: “They do it on the day shift all the time! I want what they give me!”

    (I decide to step in, because my coworker is starting to stumble and get uncomfortable.)

    Me: “Actually, sir, I’ve worked the day shift for three years now, and I’ve never seen you before in my life. Now, the large is in a 21 oz. cup.”

    Customer: “Get your manager.”

    Me: “You mean me?”

    Customer: “Not you, your manager.”

    Me: “Alright, one moment.”

    (I walk in the back, and talk to myself.)

    Me: “Yeah there’s guy out there that wants to talk to the manager on duty. Oh, ok… Well, I’ll go talk to him. Yes, sir? I’m the manager on duty; what is the problem?”

    Customer: *takes the blizzard and storms out*

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