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    Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    A Spirited Response

    | Medicine Hat, AB, Canada | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I am working as a manager/bartender at a local club. It’s fairly slow, and a clearly drunk regular approaches to order.)

    Customer: “I’ll get a tall ‘Paralyzer.’”

    Me: “Sure thing! That will be $5.75.”

    (I proceed to make the drink, take his payment, and continue doing my job. A few minutes later, he returns to the bar with the empty cup.)

    Customer: “There was no alcohol in this! Make me another one on the house, you b****!”

    Me: “Excuse me? You watched me make it, and drank it all. If you came back after a sip, maybe, but not when it’s empty, dude.”

    (The customer’s intoxicated female friend approaches next to him.)

    Friend: “You’re full of it. I was the manager here a month ago; you’re new and stupid. You tried to rip him off, so make a new one! F****** stupid w****!”

    Me: “Listen up. One, you’re full of it. I’m the manager, and have been for the last year. You’ve never worked here. Second, I know for a fact you do nails for a living. If I had them done, ripped them off, and then said you didn’t do them, would you do them again for free? No. There was alcohol in that drink. Third, call me a f****** name again, and I’ll have you out of here so fast, your four-size-too-small miniskirt might actually squeeze away from your hippo thighs. Now, can I get you anything else, or are you good?”

    (The owner laughs so hard, she has to run to the bathroom. The customer’s friend ends up with a DUI that night. Talk about Karma!)

    Has The Drive To Cheat And Lie

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Liars & Scammers, Love/Romance

    (I work in a car insurance call center.)

    Customer: “Oh, the policy isn’t in my name.”

    Me: “May I speak to the policy holder to get permission to speak to you and add you to the policy?”

    Customer: “No, she’s not speaking to me.”

    Me: “Okay, well that just means I am unable to give you any information or make any changes for you at this point of time.”

    Customer: “But it’s my car! She just took me off all the policies after I cheated on her.”

    (I have no idea what to say.)

    Customer: “Never mind, I’ll just call back and pretend I’m her.” *click*

    Bagged Herself A Steal

    | MI, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m a college freshman working in a thrift store. The most expensive item in the shop is $10. I am straightening up a rack when I watch a customer go into a dressing room, then emerge from the dressing room wearing a completely different outfit and make for the door. I stop her.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am! You realize you’re going to have to pay for that, right?”

    Customer: “I know that! I’m not an idiot!”

    (The customer turns around and walks over to a bookshelf, as if that’s where she’d been headed all along. I go back to the rack, but watch her out of the corner of my eye. She slowly begins making her way towards the door again.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. You still need to pay for that.”

    Customer: “I did.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I watched you. You went to the bookshelf and then tried to leave again.”

    Customer: “You were SPYING on me?! I want to talk to your manager!”

    (My manager, having heard the commotion, is already on his way over.)

    Manager: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes. This little girl was spying on me and accused me of trying to shoplift my own clothes!”

    (I began to bristle and protest, but my manager shushes me and points to the customer’s pants. Or rather, to the price tag sticking out of the pocket. The woman looks down at it and then bolts for the door. I start after her, but my manager calls me back.)

    Manager: “Ah, let her go. She’s only wearing about $6 worth of merchandise anyway.”

    Caught Red Quartz Handed

    | USA | Liars & Scammers

    (I run a precious gems and minerals booth at a trade show. A customer walks up to me and does some looking around first.)

    Customer: “Do you buy things?”

    Me: “Sometimes, is it minerals?”

    Customer: “Sorta, yeah.”

    (The customer takes out a palm sized velvet pouch.)

    Customer: “I have a friend that cuts rocks and does things to them. I had him make me a set of ruby quartz flat gems and paint them with gold leaf. They’re kinda rare, and I was hoping to get $90 for them.”

    Me: “That depends…”

    (I hold out my hand for the bag. Instead he opens it, and pours out a couple of red glass, aka ‘fused quartz’ flat facet gems with runes on them in gold color paint. One has a chip in corner.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but these are in the trade wholesale catalogs in five colors, come with a booklet and retail for $20. Without the book and damaged, best I could hope to get is $5, so that means I won’t pay you that much.”

    Customer: “How dare you! Bad karma ON YOU! My friend Spent TWO WEEKS cutting and carving these!”

    (I spot another vendor across from me, talking to security.)

    Vendor Across From Me: “Yeah, that’s the guy!”

    Customer: *Oh s***!”

    (The customer takes off, leaving the bag. Security gets him before he gets out door. If he had gone all the way around my booth, he would have seen that I have full sets, in all five colors for sale, with the booklet, for less than $20. Bad karma indeed.)

    How To Cancel Death

    | USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    (I work guest relations for a large hotel chain. One of my duties is to cancel advanced purchase reservations, which have a non-refundable clause.)

    Me: “Guest relations, my name is [name]; how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I want to cancel my reservation.”

    Me: “What is the confirmation number?”

    (I pull up the account, and run the customer’s membership club information for case history.)

    Caller: “Yes. My wife died suddenly, so I cannot make this reservation.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear about your loss, sir. Let me see what I can do for you. Since this is an advanced purchase, we would need a copy of your wife’s death certificate to verify her passing. I’m so sorry to ask for this.”

    Caller: “It will be after the funeral that I can get that to you, but that is after the 24th.”

    (The reservation is for the 24th this month.)

    Me: “I see. May I place you on hold for a moment while I look into some options with the hotel?”

    (After placing him on hold, I review past case history, noticing a lot of cancellations of advanced purchases. One thing seems common. They’re all for wives. All fairly recent, as well.)

    Me: “Sir? Yes, thank you for holding. Sir, how many wives do you have?”

    Caller: “WHAT!? WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME SUCH A QUESTION!? WHY WOULD YOU DISHONOR MY WIFE!?”

    Me: “Well, you see, in looking up your membership information, I see that in the last six months you have cancelled eight advance purchase reservations, all of them stating your wife passed away. So how many wives do you have?”

    Caller: “This is absurd! I want your manager!”

    Me: “I am a case manager, sir, and I am not going to cancel this reservation, nor ask the hotel to honor a cancellation without you providing a death certificate. If she really has passed, then I certainly apologize and am very sorry for the loss, but unless you have been remarried seven times in the last six months, your wife has either passed away previously, and not suddenly as you claimed. Would you like our mailing address so that you can send in a copy of the death certificate?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

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