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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
    (2,129 thumbs up)
  • Category: Liars & Scammers

    Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

    A Slight Blip On The Double-Dip

    , | Baltimore ,MD, USA | Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers

    (A customer comes into the store and orders a large amount of building supplies to build a shed. She is helped and checked out by me. Her brother comes for the items a few hours later, and I load them up. She calls back the next day.)

    Customer: “Hello. I’m coming to pick up my order today, and just want to make sure it’s ready.”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am. What is the name and phone number attached to the order? ”

    Customer: “It’s [Name] and [phone number].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, it appears your order was already picked up by your brother.”

    Customer: “What? My brother? I don’t have a brother. Someone stole my merchandise!”

    (When she placed her order with me, she told me her brother’s name and that he would be picking it up. This was listed on her order at the time of purchase by me.)

    Me: “Hmm. No brother?”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your manager! I’m an only child!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m not going to do that for you.”

    Customer: “What…?”

    Me: “See, when I first answered the phone I stated my name. When running this double dip scam in the future, please note the name of the person you’re dealing with. I not only helped you with the purchase and rang you up. I also loaded your brother’s truck with the merchandise. [Brother’s Name]. I also checked his id, first and last name. I hope this is all clear as I would hate to repeat myself and waste any more of my time.”

    Customer: “I… what is your name?!”

    Me: “We here at [Store] thank you for your business and your continued support. Please do not hesitate to shop again with us. And can you do me a favor?”

    Customer: “…what?”

    Me: “Have a lovely day.”

    (Her brother returned the next day to return the merchandise. He was denied.)

    Opinion-Hated

    | NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers

    (I work at a very high-end store. One of the perks we enjoy is that every year we get exclusive collections of expensive clothing, furniture, and other household items that you wouldn’t be able to find anywhere else. On this particular day a woman storms up to my register brandishing a piece of silverware from one such collection.)

    Woman: “Hey, do you have any more of these in stock?”

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am. We just got a fresh shipment in last week.”

    Woman: “Good, I’ll take two sets to be delivered to my apartment. And be quick about it! I have to catch a train in ten minutes!”

    (Ignoring her abrasive attitude, I quickly and efficiently ring her up, get her shipping details, and log the silverware to be sent off. She then practically rips the receipt out of my machine the instant it’s printed and runs out of my area. I think nothing more of this and go back to tidying the shelves up when, around an hour later, I get paged to help someone in the kitchen area nearby. Upon walking over I discover the same woman being helped by one of my co-workers.)

    Coworker: “Ah, [My Name], this woman here is wondering if we have any pots and pans that match the silverware she just purchased from you. Thought you might be able to help her out with that. She’s in a bit of a hurry.”

    (The woman looks at me and promptly turns sheet white.)

    Me: “Hello again! Um… did your train get delayed?”

    Coworker: “Train? No, she said she had a dental appointment.”

    Me: “Oh… well, I’m sorry. I heard train and—”

    (The woman promptly cuts me off with an agonizing scream.)

    Woman: “Okay I admit it! I hate your f****ing store and every d*** s***-head that works here! If I had my way I’d have had this whole block demolished decades ago, but you’re the only place that carries [Designer] brand exclusive items so I’m trying to just get my stuff and get out of here as quick as possible so I don’t have to spend too long speaking to you f***ers! There, you happy now?!”

    Me: *stunned* “Well… uh… not really, but if it helps at all you don’t have to lie to us like that. We can handle the occasional low opinion.”

    Woman: “Burn in Hell!” *storms out*

    Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bizarre, Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “I want to return this book.”

    Me: “Okay, do you have a receipt?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Our return policy is 14 days with a receipt, so since this is outside of that, I need to call over a manager. If you don’t mind, it will be just a moment.”

    Customer: “I don’t care about your policy; just give me my money back.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the manager is the only one who can make that call. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. I’m double parked outside.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, but there’s nothing I can do.”

    (The manager comes over. It’s only been about a minute since the customer walked up to me.)

    Customer: “God, finally! I need my money back, and I’m double parked outside, so make it quick!”

    Manager: “Well, our usual policy is 14 days with a receipt, but we can occasionally make exceptions—”

    Customer: “I just read it yesterday!”

    Manager: “Wait, you read the whole book?”

    Customer: “Yes, and I hated it! That’s why I’m returning it!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, that’s not really how a bookstore works. If everyone just returned books after they were done reading them, we would be a library.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

    Manager: “Well—”

    Customer: “—GOD, FINE! Here’s a receipt if you people need it so badly!”

    (Customer throws a crumpled, faded receipt at the manager. She catches it and looks at it, shocked.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, this receipt is from [Competitor], who went out of business three years ago.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Manager: “So it’s not even from our store. I can’t give you your money back.”

    Customer: *looking out the window, noticing her car is getting a ticket* “Oh my god, I hate this store! I’m never shopping here again!”

    Manager: “You never shopped here in the first place!”

    Related:
    Doesn’t Understand The ‘Custom’ Part Of Customer, Part 2
    Doesn’t Understand The ‘Custom’ Part Of Customer

    The Last Trip He Takes You On

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Bizarre, Liars & Scammers, Tourists/Travel

    (We have a ‘regular’ customer who only calls at night, and only speaks with young sounding, female representatives.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Travel Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: *sounding stuffed up throughout the call* “Yes, I need to book a trip from Chicago to Detroit for [date that is always two weeks away from date he calls].”

    Me: “Great, and how many will be traveling?”

    Caller: “Just me.”

    (I check for age and military discounts when all of a sudden, he sneezes.)

    Me: “Bless you. Now did you have a time of day in mind?”

    Caller: “Oh, thank you. My cat just came in the room. I am allergic. Could you read me the time you have at the lowest prices?”

    (The call goes almost normally accept for these ‘allergy’ interruptions, which involve opening the window, dusting, going in the attic, and so on. He gives the name of John Sneed for the reservation and we get to the credit card payment. He gives 8 of the 16 digits, and then hangs up. After having this happen twice, I ask around and confirm he is not a legitimate customer. A jewel of information is given to me, so I’m prepared the next time he calls.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Travel Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: *sounding stuffed up* “Yes, I need to book a trip from Chicago to Detroit for [date that is two weeks away].”

    Me: “Wonderful! How many will be traveling this time, Mr. [Caller´s Real Last Name]?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 7

    | PA, USA | Funny Names, Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Welcome to [Store]! Let me know if there’s any—”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t have any questions; my brother works at the Ohio location.”

    Me: “Uhm, are you sure? We don’t have an Ohio location.”

    Customer: “Oh, you don’t know.”

    (She brushes me off and starts shopping. When she’s finished shopping, I start to check her out.)

    Customer: “I should get the employee discount, because of my brother.”

    Me: “Okay. Did he teach you the employee handshake?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “We only give the employee discount to people who know the secret handshake.”

    Customer: “How rude! Let me speak to your manager!”

    Me: “How about the owner instead? That would be me. I own both locations, neither are in Ohio.”

    Related:
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 6
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 5
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 4

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