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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    This Friendship Is Fried

    | Bowling Green, KY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I approach a table occupied by a young couple.)

    Me: “Hello. I’m [My Name] and I’ll be your waitress. Can I get you something to drink?”

    Young Man: “Hello. Um, yes.  I’ll have a [Soda Pop] and we’re ready to order, if that’s okay?”

    Me: “Certainly, what can I get for you?”

    (The young man, polite and well-spoken, places his order and I turned to the vacant eyed young lady with him. All empty smiles and mindless giggles, she inquires…)

    Young Lady: “Hee, hee, hee. What’s a kwee-sa-dil-la?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    (She points to the quesadilla plate and I calmly explain the concept to her.)

    Young Lady: “Hee hee! Oh, I don’t think I’d like that? What’s chicken ‘friend’ rice?”

    (The young man takes on a look of pained embarrassment and I try to spare him by keeping my expression neutral.)

    Me: “Its rice that’s been stir fried and had vegetables, egg, and chicken added to it.”

    Young Lady: “Tee hee. Oh, so, it has shrimp in it?”

    (Young man face palms.)

    Me: “We have a shrimp fried rice plate that has shrimp in it.”

    Young Lady: “No, no, no. I want that chicken ‘friend’ rice stuff.”

    Me: “All right. So chicken fried rice and—”

    Young Lady: “And that’s got shrimp, right?”

    (Young man drops head to table and tries to disappear.)

    Me: “Um, no, it has chicken but I can have them make shrimp fried rice instead.”

    Young Lady: “No, no. I want chicken ‘friend’ rice with shrimp, not chicken.”

    Crappy Management

    | NV, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I work as a cashier. One evening, two customers walk into the store and ask for an exchange. One of the men walks around the store to find what he wants while his friend stays with me. We make small talk while he waits.)

    Customer’s Friend: “You’d make a good manager here.”

    Me: “Thanks, but I don’t think so. I don’t have enough experience here.”

    Customer’s Friend: “You shouldn’t say that about yourself. You’re a wonderful person.”

    Me: “Thank you. But I’ve only worked here for less than a year. I don’t think corporate would let me become a manager yet.”

    Customer’s Friend: “Stop that! You can do anything you want.”

    (At that moment, the customer’s friend returns to the counter. His friend goes over to the other counter to wait with him as one of my managers processes the return. Just as they’re about to leave…)

    Customer’s Friend: “You have to stop being so negative about yourself. It’s not good.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. I won’t.”

    Customer’s Friend: “I’m serious. Don’t self-defecate!”

    Me: “… I won’t, sir. I promise.”

    (I had to wait until they left before I could start laughing. I’m sure his intentions were good, and that he meant to say ‘deprecate’, but his small mistake made my night.)

    From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 6

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Top

    (I work at a hockey stadium ticket booth. A customer is using the ‘F’ word a ridiculous amount of times. Everyone is getting tired of this guy, but none faster than the six-year-old girl behind him in line.)

    Little Girl:  ”My Mom says if ya can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”

    Crowd: *various sounds of agreement and thanks that she said what they felt they couldn’t*

    Customer: “Well your mom must be a [10-second string of words and phrases that should NEVER be spoken to a child, EVER].”

    Little Girl:  *crinkles her face up* “If you followed that rule you’d never talk again!”

    (The crowd laughs loudly at the remark, and the foul-mouthed customer and his friend are shamed out of line. I comped half her father’s order.)

    Related:
    From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 5
    From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 4
    From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 3
    From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 2
    From The Mouth Of Babes

    A Cash Flow Returns To The Source

    | Lenoir City, TN, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Language & Words, Money

    (I’m working the customer service desk and have a problem with a customer who keeps calling, in spite of being told the answer to his question several times. Frustrated, when he calls again I ask my coworker to answer. She puts him on speaker.)

    Coworker: “Customer service. How may I help you?”

    Caller: *slurring his words* “I need to return my fridge!”

    Coworker: “Okay.”

    Caller: “Yeah, and I paid $400 for it, and I found a used one for $200. I want my money back!”

    Coworker: “Okay. Do you have your receipt?”

    Caller: “No, but I have my credit card.”

    Coworker: “Okay. We can put it back on that.”

    Caller: “No! I want that in cash!”

    Coworker: “Sir, that’s impossible. You paid for it with a credit card, so you get the money back on your credit card.”

    Caller: “But I paid it off with CASH!”

    Coworker: “Even so. The money has to go back on the card.”

    Caller: “Well, f*** it, b****!”

    Coworker: “I’d rather not. I don’t think you’re my type.”

    (The caller swears again and hangs up.)

    Coworker: *to me* “See? With idiots, you have to be clever. It confuses them.”

    Not What They Claim To Be

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    Me: “Welcome to the [Insurance Company]. You’re speaking with [My Name].”

    Caller: “Oh, hi. I don’t have my policy number or anything, but I have my name and address and I need to ask some questions.”

    (Usually if they need to ask questions it’s for a claim.)

    Me: “That’s fine. Is this for a claim?”

    Caller: “Oh, no. It’s just a few questions about my policy.”

    (I proceed to find her on the system.)

    Me: “Okay, so this is for your home insurance policy. What can I help you with?”

    Caller: “Okay. Well, a lil’ while ago a few tree limbs and branches fell on my house and I took out a claim and I wanted to know how it’s going?”

    Me: “… Let me transfer you to claims.”

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