Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

Something Stinks About The Address

| Orem, UT, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Technology

(As cashiers, we’re required to ask for emails at the end of a purchase. Customers can decline, and it’s no problem for us to bypass the email capture screen. I’ve just finished up ringing a young woman and her boyfriend.)

Me: “Perfect, we’re almost done! Could I just enter your email?”

Customer: “Sure. It’s [email protected]

Me: *typing it in without thinking* “All right, if you could just verify the email below on the card reader— oh.”

Boyfriend: *snickers*

Me: “I guess that’ll be a ‘no, thank you’ on the email then…”

Making You Feel Very Small (Talk)

| NM, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words

(This was a few years ago when I was a receptionist at a bank. Sometimes people would come in and ignore friendly conversation. After a while, this gets on my nerves. I had a few ways of dealing with people like this.)

Me: “Good morning, sir! How are you doing today?”

Customer: “Karen.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Karen.”

Me: “Are you dropping something off for Karen? Picking something up from Karen? Does Karen have paperwork for you to sign? Do you have paperwork for Karen to sign? Does Karen need to notarize something for you? Is Karen opening an account for you? Do you need Karen to do a Signature Guarantee for you? Is Karen closing an account for you? Do you have a meeting with Karen? Would you like to speak with Karen?”

Customer: “Uh… meeting.”

Me: *with a sigh* “Okay.”

Has A Load Of Explaining To Do

| MI, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I am helping an older couple buy lottery tickets. They have a ten dollar bill, and their total is at nine dollars.)

Wife: “Why not get one more 1$ dollar ticket. I’ll blow my load!”

(I am thinking: do not laugh at that! You are an adult. That was an innocent statement meaning she’ll spend all her money. Maintain composure! Unfortunately she says it again, and the husband and I make eye contact and die laughing.)

Husband: *mutters* “It means something different these days; I’ll explain on the way home.”

(I can only imagine what that conversation was like!)

‘V’ For Victory

| Portland, OR, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Language & Words

(I work in a call center that offers referrals for mental health clinicians. This lady has been chewing my ear off about how she can’t find anyone in her area, despite there being around 50 clinicians within 20 miles of her.)

Caller: “I have to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. NO NURSE PRACTITIONERS!”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “I need to see someone who is an actual professional.”

Me: “Well, nurse practitioners are licensed professionals. They actually can prescribe medication, whereas a PhD can’t.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t want to deal with someone who couldn’t make it in medical school.”

Me: “No psychologist in your area went to medical school, either.”

(This goes on for a few minutes, until I find her a clinician that fits her picky standards.)

Me: “So the provider’s name is Tivoli. ‘T’ as in Tom, ‘I’ as in Idaho, ‘V’ as in Victor, ‘O’ as in—”

Caller: “Hold it, hold it! What the h*** do you mean ‘C’ as in Victor? Are you brain-dead or something? There’s no ‘C’ in Victor!”

Me: “Well, for one thing, there is. It’s the third letter. And for another, I said ‘V’ as in Victor.”

Caller: “Oh. I thought you said ‘C.'”

Me: “That’s why I gave you a phonetic word. To avoid that very confusion.”

Caller: “Still… *she had nothing to follow this*

Reply Back Like An Act Of God

| Paris, France | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

(I am working the customer service desk. Due to inclement weather, we have to cancel a flight to a smaller airport, as the plane used to make said flight would not be capable of landing there in a storm. I am dealing with a customer who has just been informed that the plane to which he was transferred due to a mechanical fault in a previous flight, is cancelled.)

Me: “So, I’m terribly sorry, sir. The best we can do now is rebook you for our earliest flight to [City] tomorrow morning, or start processing a refund to your credit card for this leg of your trip.”

Customer: *sighs* “Well, I need to be in [City] tonight, so I guess I’ll just take the refund.”

Me: “All right, sir. We will start processing your refund immediately, and again, we are terribly sorry for the inconvenience. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, would you happen to know how much it costs to take the metro from here to [Main City station]? I guess I’ll be catching a late train.”

Me: “Certainly sir, it’s—”

(Suddenly the lady behind this customer speaks up.)

Woman: “Is that it? You’re not going to get mad? You’re not going to threaten to sue them?”

Customer: “…why would I do that?”

Woman: “They’ve ruined your trip! They took your money and ruined everything anyway!”

Customer: “I highly doubt anyone in Paris is responsible for the storm at [City], and the people working customer service are certainly not responsible for a mechanical fault in the plane.”

Woman: “But they’ve cost you hundreds of euros!”

Customer: “If they refund this leg, then it works out almost even. It’s really not a problem.”

Woman: “What are you talking about, it’s not a problem?! Of course it’s a problem! They should be made to pay! It’s that stupid French laziness where they just don’t want to work and—”

Customer: “Lady, shut the f*** up.”

(The woman chokes on her words as the customer who has been nothing but calm and polite this whole time fixes a glare on her.)

Customer: “I had to get up before six this morning to take a one-hour bus to the airport for a flight that got delayed. I was stuck in THIS airport for hours before finding out that my other flight was cancelled, and now I have to hop the metro to catch a two-hour train to be in [City] hours after I was supposed to arrive. I am tired. I want a shower. I am not in the mood to fight [Airline] over an act of God, and I am definitely not in the mood to listen to you rant and rave like a g****** lunatic about something that is none of your business. Now, kindly f*** off!”

(He turns back to me as the woman stammers incoherently.)

Customer: “Merci pour votre aide. Bonne soiree.” *Thanks for your help. Good evening*

(He gathered up his travel documents and calmly walked off.)

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