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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Not A Productive Conversation

    | KS, USA | Bizarre, Language & Words

    (We are a company that deals with international calls on a daily basis, though I personally don’t that often. I receive a call that goes directly to my phone, not through the main system.)

    Customer: *unintelligible Spanish*

    Me: “Hello? No hablo mucho español” *I don’t speak much Spanish*

    Customer: “Hello?” *unintelligible Spanglish*

    Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: *very thick accent* You speak English, yes?”

    Me: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer: “Then let’s speak English.”

    Me: “Sounds good! What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I had some questions.”

    Me: “Okay? Is this pertaining to [Product]?”

    Customer: “[Product]? Do you have a website?”

    Me: “Yeah! It’s [website]!”

    Customer: “Okay. okay. And you sell what again?”

    Me: [Product]. Did you need help with something?”

    Customer: “You have a nice voice.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Would you give me your phone number?”

    Me: *creeped out* “I’m sorry. I can’t give that information to you.”

    Customer: “You don’t want to talk on the phone to someone in Spain?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “No?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “No?”

    Me: “No. No es bueno para mi.” *It’s not good for me*

    Customer: “Oh! You speak Spanish?”

    Me: “Un pequeño” *A little*

    Customer: “How wonderful! We could talk in Spanish and English over the phone!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Was there something you wanted?”

    Customer: “We could be private phone buddies if you’d like.”

    Me: “No, I don’t think so.”

    Customer: “You have such a lovely voice. And you seem very nice and beautiful.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Please do not call back unless you have questions about [Product]. Have a good day.” *hangs up*

    Half A Mind To Watch What You Say

    | Veron, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Language & Words

    (A father and son check out books and DVDs.)

    Me: “That’s it. Books are due in two weeks and the DVDs are due in one. But you can return the books at the same time as the DVDs are due, if you have a mind to. Thank you.”

    (A few minutes later, as they go in the children’s room:)

    Son: “What did she mean by that, Daddy?”

    Father: “Well, I think she’s from down South and it’s just a saying…”

    (I’m watching what “down South” expressions I use now…)

    Their Poetry Isn’t Priceless Yet

    | Tallahassee, FL, USA | Language & Words, Transportation

    (I’m a customer in a post office, mailing a submission for a national poetry contest (the name of which is stated on the envelope). The employee helping me has been entering information into the system.)

    Employee: “So. how much is this poetry worth if lost?”

    Me: “Only my heart and soul!”

    Employee: “I’m just gonna go with a hundred dollars…”

    Speaking The Same Amount Of The Same Language

    | ON, Canada | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Language & Words

    Customer: “Bonjour! Comment ca va?”

    Me: “Ca va bien, et toi?”

    Customer: “Ca va bien!”

    Me: “That’s it. That’s all I got. That’s all I know how to say.”

    Customer: “Me, too!”

    Me: “Well, we really sounded like we knew what we were talking about, didn’t we?!”

    Customer: “We sure did!”

    In A Muddle Over The Mobble

    | Wales | Extra Stupid, Funny Names, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    (Most of our visitors are from England, and although we’re familiar with the ‘tourist’ pronunciations of a lot of town names, sometimes they manage to pronounce something so crazy that we have to ask them to spell it, which for us, usually spells trouble…)

    Customer: *a smartly-dressed older lady* “Hi. I want to get to Mobblegarnith.”

    Me: “Mobblegarnith? I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of it. Did you perhaps mean [Town Name In Cheshire]? It’s a good two-and-a-half hours from here.”

    Customer: “It must be near here; I think we passed a sign for it on our way in.”

    Me: “Well, the nearest town to here that begins with ‘M’ is [Town Name].”

    Customer: “No. Not there.”

    Me: “Well, how about [another nearby town name that begins with ‘M’]?”

    Customer: “No. Not there either.”

    Me: “What about [town that doesn’t begin with ‘M’ but roughly rhymes with the ‘garnith’ part]?”

    Customer: “No, no, NO, stupid! It’s not there. It’s Mobblegarnith!” *slowly and louder* “MOBBLE. GARNITH!”

    Me: “I’m ever so sorry, but could you spell it for me? Or perhaps tell me a name of another town you passed by where you saw the signs?”

    Customer: “Oh for crying out loud. M. A. C. H. Y—”

    Me: “Oh! You mean Machynlleth?! That’s a good hour from us, and it’s back the way you came from [Their Hometown].”

    Customer: “Yes, finally! Mobblegarnith. I don’t get why you Welsh people have to pronounce it differently just to wind us English up. It’s CLEARLY Mobblegarnith.”

    Me: “I assure you it’s not deliberate. The Welsh alphabet is just a tiny bit bigger than the English one. We actually have 28 letters versus your 26, so we have to combine some of the letters in the alphabet to finish making up our alphabet. The pronunciations are all right once you get used to them, though.”

    Customer: “Don’t lecture me, young lady! Your alphabet is nothing more than silly lies; if you’d been properly educated you’d know how to pronounce all these places. Now, could you please, very kindly, if it is not too much trouble, tell me how to get to Mobblegarnith?”

    Me: “Right, okay. I can print you some map directions if you like?”

    Customer: *sarcastically* “Thank you, you are most kind.”

    Me: *prints maps and hands them to customer* “Here you go! Road directions to Machynlleth. Since you had such trouble getting here, I’ll waive the printing fee.”

    Customer: “For goodness’ sakes, girl, say it PROPERLY.”

    Me: *dying a bit inside* “I hope you have a safe journey to Mobblegarnith.”

    Customer: *gives a satisfied nod, and turns on her heels to leave*

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