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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    In Soviet Russia, Language Speaks You

    | Langley, BC, Canada | Books & Reading, Language & Words

    (I am the customer in this story. I am looking for a certain book on WWII, but am having trouble finding the section.)

    Employee: “Hey, could I help you find something?”

    Me: “Ah, yes! I’m trying to find [book]. Could you help me?”

    (The employee has a very wide-eyed surprised look. She slowly nods and motions for me to follow.)

    Employee: *speaking loudly and slowly* “Sir, these help?”

    Me: “No, I’m looking for History.”

    Employee: “Umm…” *looks down the books and hands me a Russian-English dictionary.*

    Me: “Ah, I wasn’t speaking English was I?” (She shakes her head and I laugh.) “Sorry about that, I was looking for [book].”

    (The employee laughs and takes me to where I had wanted to go, the rest of our conversation thankfully in English.)

    Watashi Whaaa

    | United Kingdom | Language & Words, Musical Mayhem, Top

    (I really like Japanese animation and am learning Japanese as a second language so I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, what kind of music would you recommend? I want to know what CD I should buy.”

    Me: “Oh, I don’t think I listen to the kind of music you’d be interested in.”

    Customer: “That’s not very helpful. Just tell me what kind of music you like.”

    Me: “Well, I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.”

    Customer: “I love that song!”

    Me: “It’s not just one song. There are a lot of songs in Japanese.”

    Customer: “Really? How many.”

    Me: “Oh, far too many to count. There are thousands!”

    Customer: “Well that’s a bit silly, isn’t it, what’s the point in making songs in a language that no one can understand?”

    Me: “A lot of people understand Japanese.”

    Customer: “Like who?”

    Me: “The people who live in Japan?”

    Customer: “You mean Japan’s a real place?! Well, you learn something new every day!”

    In A Tsary State

    | Queens, NY, USA | Language & Words, Top

    (Two women come into my grandpa’s locksmith shop and are saying really obnoxious things in Russian.)

    Woman 1: “Careful, I think he may speak Russian.”

    Woman 2: “That oaf? No way.”

    Woman 1: “Maybe he does.”

    Woman 2: “He doesn’t.”

    Grandpa: *in Russian* “He does.”

    Incheon Further Away From The Answer, Part 2

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Language & Words

    (I’m an Asian Spanish/English interpreter in charge of taking care of our Spanish speaking custumers. I approach a Mexican customer.)

    Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh my god, you speak Spanish!”

    Me: “Yes I do, it’s a service provided by our store for your convenience. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “But you’re Chinese!”

    Me: “I’m actually Korean born and raised in Argentina, so it’s easier for me to speak in Spanish.”

    Customer: “That’s not possible! Chinese people only speak Chinese!”

    Me: “I assure you I’m not Chinese and cannot speak Chinese at all.”

    Customer: “But…but Chinese people should speak Chinese!”

    Related:
    Incheon Further Away From The Answer

    Bread And Prejudice

    | Ireland | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Religion

    Customer: “Can I have a ham and cheese sandwich please?”

    Me: “Would you like that on white or brown bread?”

    Customer: “I don’t mind. I’m not prejudiced.”

    Me: “You’re not… prejudiced?”

    Customer: “Not at all, sure the other day I ate some ‘properdoms’!” (That’s how she pronounced papadums – the flat crunchy bread you get in Indian restaurants.) “They were lovely.”

    Me: “Oh good. Now what type of bread would you like?”

    (At this point a woman of another ethnicity that had been served by my co-worker leaves. Suddenly, this customer becomes visibly relieved.)

    Customer: “Give me some good, God-fearing white bread!”

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